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I Fear My Love

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When I woke up, I knew the entire day was going to be a struggle. Sliding my legs over the side of my bed, I winced in pain. My sides ached from the fresh bruises above my rib cage. I lifted my pajama shirt over my head and stared in the mirror at my horrific body. My fingers grazed over the multiple scars across my stomach. They were lighter than my skin but still noticeable.


Eventually, I was able to drag myself into the shower and wash away all the pain from last night. Loose clothes. That was the outfit of choice for today. After drying and straightening my white blonde hair, I picked out my outfit. Carefully. No skinny jeans or tight hoodies. Which was pretty much my whole wardrobe. After a long debate, I finally settled on boot cut jeans and a flowing tank top. Shoes? Probably my converse.
I trudged down the stairs, fearing school. This will probably be the one day that HE decides to go… Jensen… My boyfriend.


You probably think it’s pretty stupid. Or confusing. Why is she afraid of her own boyfriend? Well… because he hurts me. A lot. And that’s how I get all my bruises and scars.

Last night was probably the worst. I was walking home from school when Danny walked up to me. We started talking and I hadn’t really known him that long but he seemed cool. Well, Jensen I guess was watching and he probably figured Danny was flirting with me. Jensen can get extremely jealous. So when I got home, he started pushing me and kicking me when I fell down. But as soon as I start crying, he realizes what he’s doing to me. Apologies, begging me to never leave… I don’t know why, but I always forgive him…

It’s incredibly stupid of me to want Jensen’s love. But I don’t just want it. I crave it. It’s like my oxygen. Even though I know he doesn’t exactly love me. If he truly did, he would never lay a hand on me. Without him, I would be dead inside. But then again, with him… I’m still dead…

Ah school. My personal hell away from hell. I do not fit in with anybody here. All those perfect cheerleader type, backstabbing, witches. Yeah, I used to be friends with some of them. But then I got “weird”. Or so my “friends” said. Never again would I make that mistake.

As soon as I walked through the door, I knew today was going to suck. Walking down the hall, a bunch of people gave me dirty looks. Of course. After being tripped a few times and having my books shoved to the ground, I was finally at my locker. Someone came up behind me and wrapped their arms around my stomach. Wincing, I turned around. Jensen. Of course. He instantly smiled when I looked up at him.

“Morning,” he said and kissed my cheek. I turned back towards my locker and finished getting my supplies. He sighed and slammed my locker, making me jump. Jensen forcefully turned me to look at him and shoved me against the lockers. But nobody even looked.

“What’s your problem?” he demanded. All I could do was stare. There was something new in his eyes. Pure hatred. “You know, maybe you shouldn’t be my girlfriend anymore.” He does this every week. He expects me to beg for him to never leave. Because that’s what he wants. The satisfaction of knowing I need him. And I do. So I hug him and apologize, saying I need him. I can’t see his face, but I know he’s smirking. I can feel it. “Well you should probably get to class. Why are you still standing here?” I smiled and walked way. Sometimes, I wish I never met Jensen.


By lunchtime, I had been anonymously punched in the hall twice, had my bag stolen, and been tripped three more times. School was getting really bad. I would tell Jensen, but he’d just tell me to suck it up. You’re probably wondering where my parents are. Well, they are drug addicts. Who knows where they are. And who cares? Not me. By the time I was fourteen, Jensen was eighteen and could legally take care of me. So I let him. And it was great at first. But then I started coming home from school and finding him passed out, drunk, on the couch. And then he would expect me to cook him dinner and clean the house. Which I didn’t mind. But… if something was still a little dusty or if something was a little burnt, he would hit me. Over and over. Repeatedly, until I begged him to stop. He acted like he didn’t know what was happening. It was almost as if it was out of his control. But I knew better. Jensen was fully aware of what was happening.

After school, I walked home as usual. My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was Dillan, my older brother.

“Hey,” he said.

“Oh, hey,” I replied. “I have to go soon because I’m almost home.” It made me sad that Dillan lived all by himself. I would go, but Jensen is technically my legal guardian.

“Oh… Well I was kind of hoping we could go see a movie tonight.” His voice was somewhat hopeful, but sad. He knew as well as I did that Jensen would never let me go anywhere on a Friday night, unless I was with him.

“Well I can ask…” I sounded like a little kid. Having to ask permission to go somewhere.

“Alright. Call me back. Bye.” And with that, we hung up. By this time, I was in the driveway and going up to the back door.

“Hello!” I called into what seemed to be an empty house. “Jensen!” Still no reply. I was about to call him when I saw a note taped to the fridge. It said:

Hey babe. Went to the bar. Be back at two. Later.
So… Jensen was going to be gone all night… I guess I could sneak out and see the movie after all.

After I had prettied myself up, I still had about ten minutes until Dillan would come pick me up. I lay on the bed and messed around on my phone. A door slammed downstairs. It couldn’t be him already… And why was he slamming the door?

“Thalia!!” I heard a bunch of smashing and slamming. I ran to the closet and tried to get into my robe. But Jensen was already busting through the door. “Where do you think you’re going?!” I could tell he was drunk and my appearance must have set him back. All I could do was stammer and stutter. “Got another date?! Well?? Do you!!” By now he was screaming in my face and backing me into the wall. When my back touched the wall, I knew. There would be no escaping what would come next. I had nothing left inside me. I was completely empty. Jensen had broken me. I was cowering in the corner with Jensen about to kick me in the stomach. I saw him prepare himself for it. I closed my eyes and… nothing came. I could feel him still standing there, but he didn’t say or do anything. I opened my eyes and saw Dillan with his hand clasped over Jensen’s mouth and… a gun… pointed at his head… My eyes widened in horror.

“No!” I ran after Jensen and smacked the gun out of his hand.

“What are you doing?!” Dillan ran after the gun and got to it before I could. There was no stopping it. All I could do was scream. The deafening gunshot overpowered me. I looked down and there was blood. Everywhere. And Jensen. Lying on the ground. Dillan dropped the gun and it clattered to the floor. I walked over to him and looked up at him. His face was blank. His eyes staring at nothing.

“Dillan…” I whispered. He turned and stared at me. I took his hand and led him downstairs and outside and into the car. He got in the driver’s side and I got in the passenger seat. For a moment, we just sat there. Thinking. Wondering. “Thank you…” I whispered. The car suddenly came to life and I jumped. We started down the street. I wasn’t sure where we were headed but honestly, I didn’t care. I just wanted to be away from the house and what lies in it.

After about twenty minutes, I was starting to doze off so I unbuckled my seat belt and scooted closer to Dillan. I leaned my head against his shoulder and eventually drifted off to sleep.





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M3156 said...
May 31, 2012 at 9:47 am
Interesting story. I found the end on the extreme side, but still believable.
 
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