Stay With Me

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I miss you. I'm not even going to start off with some unnecessary introduction. I know it, you know it. We haven't been away from each other for this long since Christmas break. I kind of want to go back to that time period. Scratch that. I really want to go back to before that time period.

I want to re-read that first text I got from you over and over. I want to have deep late night (or early morning) text conversations with you again. I want to sleep with you just one more time. Your body curled up against mine, just two best friends forming a bond in no way meant to be confused with a relationship.

Remember that one night? You let me inside your true self. You told me everything personal even though you didn't mean to. You finally let me know you behind just scratching the surface. I loved that night. I replay it over and over in my head more than you would think.

I miss leaving you surprise notes on your desk. What I miss is finding that you kept them in your desk without my knowing until one day, long after that one night, you surprised me by waving it in the air for about 5 seconds. There were others in the room, so no words were needed. I recognized the note and you knew it. I miss that time.

I'll never forget Thanksgiving of this year. We weren't together but you were constantly texting me making sure I was ok at home. But then you dropped a bomb that made me explode. You wanted her over me. Not a surprise really, I saw it coming. But when you take my best friend after having deceiving me you liked me? Not ok. I'll always forgive but never forget. You could see how frustrated I was. I would see you two being so happy so I would tear up and leave the room.

Then one day when I leave crying you come to my room and seek farther relationship advice. Because even though you know it's tearing me up inside, and everyone else knows and can see its tearing me up inside, you still trust me over any one else. And as good as it makes me feel on the inside, that was the wrong time to ask me questions. I just burst. I gave up pretending to study, and just cried in front of you. Hard. But you are a man, so you don't know what to do. So we hug. You let me cry in your shirt and just hold me. Then you leave after a while and go back to her. I see that you're happy so I suck it up, come back and pretend nothing is wrong. I'm happy you're happy. But in reality, although I am pleased as ever for you, I'm dead inside. That relationship was a struggle. I'm talking for me and you and for you and her. We all know how it ended. And I don't know if there was ever a moment I had ever been happier. But you still weren't mine. But I accepted it. Somehow my heart accepted the fact I don't want you and I felt so free. But after that relationship ended, you were missing her and you knew I didn't like you anymore.

So I wasn't good enough. You went out and found a new best friend. You brought the newbie around and he was the new baby in the family. He got all your attention and we weren't needed anymore. I feel that's when we fell apart. You stopped responding to my stupid Facebook wall posts you used to love. You stopped constantly texting me. You stopped having as much fun with your roommate and I. You just stopped. And I missed the old you.

But we're getting better. Soon enough everyone gets sick of the new baby in the family, and you realized it. So we started to re-kindle an old fire. And I loved it. You let me nap on your bed when I felt sick or tired. We would play wrestle and fight just like brother and sister. You dealt with my s*** and cheered me up when I needed it. You played your guitar and sang and I sat and took it in.

But now it's summer. You're going to be in Ohio and London and Minnesota, while I'll be in Chicago and Kentucky. So we are starting to text constantly again. And hopefully soon enough we'll Skype a few times. You call me JD and I call you Mailman. But now that you have a badass tattoo I'm changing your nickname to Postmaster. It's more official and badass. I miss you and I want you in my arms. But before I know it August will arrive and we'll be driving to Kroger signing pop music in your Escalade. I'll be your June and you'll be my Johnny Cash. I know you might never say these words to me, at least out loud, but I love you. I've never had a best friend like you nor will I ever. I'll be by your side just like I believe the Cubs will win the world series. And that's a long time.





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