Utterly Imperfect

May 14, 2008
By
We pulled into the Park and Ride next to the beach; I was reaching for the door handle when Logan stopped me. “Wait,” he said. He got out of the car and walked around to my door to open it for me. He closed the car door and took a hold my hand as we started to walk. This is good I thought to myself.

The sun was beginning to set, and the beach was already streaming with the students from our school. This bonfire is one of the biggest events during the school year. It was a celebration prior to the football game between our school, the Lake Tahoe Crusaders and our rival the Canton Buckeyes. The bonfire was about to start and I could hear music in the distance.
Suddenly, Logan stopped walking and stared at me. “Come here,” he drew me close to him. “I love you,” he whispered in my ear.

“I love you too,” I could feel my knees start to quiver as he kissed my lips softly.

“Come on; let’s get going before they start without us.” He clutched my hand and we walked further down the beach. It seemed like it was going to be the perfect night.

The bonfire was crammed with a number of people characteristically grouped into their cliques. For some reason or another I spotted Jake out of the corner of my eye. I knew he was going to come up and talk to me, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want him to, but Logan and I were having an exceedingly good night and I didn’t want it to go to waste. I acted as if I hadn’t seen him.

“Hey you,”

“Oh! Hey!” I replied as if I hadn’t seen him. I could tell this was going to be awkward.

“When did you get here?”

“About five minutes ago.”

“Oh,” it was obvious that things were awkward. “So…” He said, determined to make conversation, “how’d you do on that chemistry test?”

“Ugh. I’m sure I failed. There is absolutely no way anyone could have passed that.” He laughed.

“You’re smarter than you think,” I blushed and he looked into my eyes. Oh boy Logan is not going to like this. I thought to myself. Just as I had expected I looked up from the ground and Logan was staring right at Jake. I watched him as he shot gunned his beer and opened another I could have sworn he was going to charge over here, but he didn’t. Jake didn’t even notice who I came with, let alone that it was my boyfriend.

“I was sort of hoping you would have ridden with me tonight.” Is Jake hitting on me? Gross. I can tell he is slightly tipsy by the slur in his words. He took another drink of his Bud Light and ran his fingers gently through my hair. “Ya know, it’s true what they say… You don’t realize what a great thing you have in your life until it’s gone.” I tried to stop him before he could go on. It didn’t matter to him; he leaned in and kissed me.

“What are you doing?” I pushed him away, “Jake, I have a boyfriend!” Speaking of my boyfriend, here he comes.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Nothing is going on.”

“Well it sure didn’t look like nothing.”

“It was a mistake, he didn’t mean it.”

“Damn right it was a mistake.” I stepped between Logan and Jake. They are not going to make a scene; I refuse to be embarrassed in front more than half of the school. I thought.
“Logan stop!” His fists were clenched tight and you could see the vein in his neck bulging out. He looked over at Jake with rage in his eyes.
“You and me, we’re done.” Without another word said he turned his back and staggered down the beach. I felt horrible and responsible somehow for the ending of their friendship.

I walked around the beach looking for Logan, I found him resting on a cluster of rocks along the shore.
“Hey…” I tried to sound real innocent. Logan glanced over my way and gave me a nod.

“Great night, eh?”

“Logan… ” I paused before saying anything else.

“Save it,” he interrupted. “I never thought I could be betrayed by my best friend and my girlfriend at the same time.”

“Betrayed? Logan I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t betrayed you…”

“That’s not what it looked like to me.”

“I don’t have feelings for Jake. I’m with you. YOU are my boyfriend; I don’t want to be with anyone else. You cannot put this all on me. Don’t act like I haven’t seen you all over ten other girls when we’re at parties. You want to talk about loyalty? Being unfaithful? Let’s talk about it!” He didn’t say a word, he knew I was right. I knew his reputation when I got involved in this relationship, and through out everything I still love him. I didn’t think anything could change that. “Let’s just go home and we can talk about his tomorrow.”

“I’m not ready to go anywhere.” He lifted up a six pack of bud light from the sand. “See? Four more to go.”

“Fine, I’ll go alone.”

“You’re not going back there.”

“Oh, and why not?”

“Because I said so...”

“When did you start speaking for me?” He glared at me like I was his property. “Whatever, you’re overreacting; I’ll just have Jake take me home.” He got up almost immediately. I turned to walk away when he grabbed my arm. “Ow. Let go.”

“I am NOT overreacting,” he yelled.

“Logan stop you’re hurting me!” His grip tightened. “Please stop. Let go, please.” What had gotten into my boyfriend?

With one quick shove I found myself in the sand, shaking. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I didn’t know whether I should run away or break down right in front of him. I broke down, for a second it seemed as if he became another person, a part of me still believed that. When I started to break down Logan didn’t know what to do.

“Babe… I’m so sorry.” He sounded sincere. “I never meant to hurt you; you know that I would never do that. I love you so much.” I wasn’t sure how to respond. How could I trust him now? What if it were to happen again? I believed that he loved me; I did, but how was this going to change things?
I picked my self up off the sandy beach “I have to go…” I said to him and walked away, leaving him alone on the beach. My wrist was throbbing with pain; I was still trying to make sense of all of this. I wasn’t really going to ask Jake for a ride home, I only said it because I was so infuriated with Logan. The beach was only about 4 miles from my house, so I walked.
Monday morning came around and I was terrified of going to school. I spent the entire weekend in my room, isolating myself from the rest of the world. I had ignored Logan’s calls all weekend. The day seemed to go pretty smoothly until after fourth period… Logan waited for me outside Mr. Davis’ room.
“What do you want?” I asked.


“Just hear me out, okay? I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You know that I would never do that. I was just frustrated with everything that went on that night. It won’t happen again, I promise, just please give me another chance.”

“How can you promise that it will never happen again? You have a tendency to let your jealousy get in the way of your self control.”

“I know, but I can change. I love you, I want to be with you, and I just want things to go back to the way they were.” He loves me? It was apparent that he didn’t understand what love was. If he loves me he wouldn’t have dealt with the situation in the way that he did. I have the bruises on my wrist to prove it.

“Things like this just can’t be fixed. It’s not going to be the same between us. I can’t go back, because I’m not sure that I feel the same way about you anymore. Of course I still love you, but I’m not sure that we can be together right now. I can’t trust you.” I told him. He looked so helpless, like I had broken his heart; maybe I did. It’s not my fault though, he brought this on himself and there’s nothing that I can do to change what has already been done.

As I turned to walk away he spoke up, “don’t do this, please.”

“I really don’t know what else to do.” My eyes were beginning to water. I turned fast and walked to the bathroom. I barely even made it through the bathroom door before a tear rolled down my cheek. Why does this have to happen to me? I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt and glanced down at the dark bruises on my wrists. How could I have not seen this coming? I could have sat and thought about this all day long, and I could probably have come up with a million reasons why I should have given him another chance, and why I loved him so much, but one reason why I couldn’t stood out in my head. He was always there for me whenever I need him, he was extremely supportive, he never talked down to me, he was always a gentleman, he knew just what to say to me to make me fall in love with him all over again. He was never one to apologize first, but he was always made up for his mistakes with sweet gestures. I could have taken him back, but to be honest I’m not sure that I could have ever looked at him in the same way that I used to. He wouldn’t have been the same Logan that was so supportive and loving as he was before. I just couldn’t have gone back to the way things were. There was a reason why this took place but I wasn’t about to let it be repeated. This was simply my way of figuring out that he wasn’t the right guy for me.





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