A Satirical Take On Bodies

May 14, 2012
By Anonymous

Corpses. They smell, they take up space, and they bring up bad memories. So, what do we do with them? Reduce them to ash or stick them in the ground. How is that helpful? How is keeping another’s ashes productive? I propose that we use these bodies wisely. So, instead of letting them be worm food or charcoal let them be the natural resource they can be. Sure, you could argue that worms need to eat too, but in the long run humans and their companions come first.

As far as the flesh and muscles go, I do not recommend cannibalism because it is unsanitary. However, we could grind up the meat and feed it to animals at zoos. The animals will be full, happy, and nourished, while the tissue and flesh will be taken care of. This leaves the organs, which can be donated to hospitals for transplants and research.

The hair, useless to most people, can go to wigmakers for cancer patients. Now the bones are all that remain. Now, as a person of fashion, I suggest we use those bones for accessories. I mean, who hasn’t dreamt of having a metacarpal hair pin or phalange toothbrush handle? I believe that bones would also make dashing knife handles, as well as: buttons, cufflinks, jewelry, knitting needles, and other assorted items.

In short, I feel that we shouldn’t take advantage of what we have. I know that this can work, because I’ve tried it. After all, the true difference between a pile of corpses and a Ferrari is that there’s no Ferrari in my garage.

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