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My Life as a Cat
GOOD-MORNING HUMANS! Today is another wonderful new day… Why aren’t you getting up? Why aren’t you making me some food? And most importantly, WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING UP YET? … (Silence)… Hellooo can you hear me? Oh well, I guess that I will just watch some T.V. HMMMMMM, where is that magical black little box that turns on the T.V.?
Oh, here it is, my humans were sleeping on it. Now then, what button turns on the T.V. again? Oh yeah the big red one. (Click)
T.V. ‘We now return to Fox News. Back to you Shaniqua.’
What were they watching last night? Oh well, I just need to turn up the noise and then go to SpongeBob Squarepants. I think that it was on the screen that has a straight line, a weird line, and then a kind of squiggly line.
T.V. ‘ARE YA READY KIDS? AYA, CAPATAIN! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! AYA, CAPTAIN!’ (CRASH) (CLICK)
“What is going on here? I thought that I told you not to turn the T.V. on at four-thirty in the morning,” my human yelled.
I just looked at him as if he was stupid, and then started to clean myself, so he just went grumbling to his weird box that sprays water on him. After about three minutes I hear him start to sing and then I figured that, it was time for me to go get my food bowl ready for him when he gets out of his little box, so I go over to that weird cold white thing that my humans do their business on, which if I may say so myself is very gross, and pull this little string with a fluffy ball at the end. The cold thing starts to growl and then my person starts screaming again and then sprays me and tells me to go away. So then I slink back to the kitchen and sit on my throne and start to clean myself.
Then finally, after what seemed like hours I heard him come into the kitchen. But all that he was doing was filling up his cup thing with this disgusting black liquid and then wastes some of MY milk in his drink. So then, I go over there to show him whose boss around here and you know what he did? He picked me up. I mean can you believe it? But I just sit still to try and get him to put me down and feed me finally.
Then after I am done eating he goes and gets in his magic moving noisemaker and then leaves, me alone so then I go and get out my coloring book and then start to draw the thing that I have always wanted to get… A puppy! Then after I am done with it, I write my name on it and write a note telling my human that I would like a puppy for my birthday, and that he needs to take me with him when he goes and gets my dog.
When he gets home at around six-thirty, I bring my art and show him what I drew and all he does is get mad at me for coloring on his boring work papers. But when he finally calms down enough for me to explain that I just made his paper worth one million monies at least, he doesn’t seem so mad at me and I guess that he knew what I wanted because he took me to the pound the next day but when I tried to go to the dog section he pulled me by my that he so unceremoniously put me into over to the cat section and it dawned on me what he was going to do. HE WAS GETTING RID OF ME! But then instead of giving me away he got another cat but I jumped up and then pointed over to the dog section and I guess it dawned on him what I wanted to get, because then he went over and he started to get a dog but I went over and pointed to a certain dog and then he got that one for me.
I pulled against the leash, and I pulled him through the dog section and pointed to the little pug that I wanted him to get me. I guess that he understood what I wanted but he about flipped out and then he started to yell at me. I guess that the dog that I wanted was a lot of monies, but hey you know when a cat wants something he gets his way no matter what is in the way, especially a number. Ohh, I know what I’ll do to get me a dog, I will throw a fit like I see the little human children do, maybe then my human will get me my dog.
Rrrrrrrouw, hissssssss! There that should do the job. “Hey! What the heck is going on here?”
He he, um maybe I should just go and leave here. Hey human get over here we’re leaving like now.
A few days later…
Wow, I still can’t believe that my human got me that dog that I wanted him to get me. I am going to have so much fun with him, I’m going to teach him how to play fetch, how to use the litter box, use my scratching post and then maybe I’ll even teach him how to drink out of the toilet! Well I’ll have all the time in the world to teach him whatever I want. Come along Alfred.