She's Taking Me

April 30, 2012
It all started when I was born. The hatred I have for life formed when I was inside my mother’s womb, and it only grows deeper with each breath I take. I have broken too many things in this life for it to ever be mended, including my own heart. I have taken advantage of the life I had been given and now I must suffer through a life I had never intended to have. The pain in my chest crawls throughout my entire body bringing me such agony that I can hardly bare it. Anger builds inside my lungs until they finally burst and the wretched screams are finally released from within. So much hurt packed in such a fragile body; so much disappointment as well as despair.

Sometimes at night I have no choice but to curl up into a ball in defense from my thoughts. They scratch at every corner of my mind until I finally crack, like a bird breaking from its shell. The me I show on the outside is not the me I force to hide inside. I blame her for all that is wrong in my life. She’s the one that lingers on the past, always wanting explanations for everyone else’s actions, never being able to take no for an answer. She’s the angry one; she has placed me on the outside of this body so that she isn’t capable of wreaking havoc on the innocent minds of the beings that walk beside us. If it was her in control, I wouldn’t exist. She would’ve crushed me below her own putrid thoughts years ago. If only I was able to do this, to put her through the same pain and misery as she puts me.

It hurts to try and make these thoughts my own; she claws at mine until they’re shredded into pieces illegible for even me to read. During the day is the only time I have even slight control, she needs me to be the light to her dark, clouded imagination. Until the sky grows darker than her, then she shows her true form through me and it’s the ugliest thing this world will ever have walk upon its soil. Her face contorts into unimaginable positions; she walks as if she’s possessed by something other than herself, she’s the shadow that lurks behind the sleepless wonderers in the night. The shadow that you cannot see, you can only feel her presence. It’s the most horrifying feeling in the world knowing you have the devil itself right there with you. You can feel the numbness of death followed by a heavy burning. Pure torture.

Just thinking of her brings her claws, brings her cries of agony. She wants out, she wants free. How do I let her escape from my body without me escaping to eternal rest with her? I want to live, I want to survive through and live the average life of the average human. This is not normal. There’s a whole other being inside of me taking control of every aspect of my existence and I want it out! She’s traumatized me so deeply that even if there was a way for her to leave me she would always still be there in a faint, gruesome memory. I hear her every thought screaming over mine, her voice trickles throughout my body making goose bumps appear and not able to vanish. She shivers my spine with her too high pitched voice, which has lurked in even the happiest of my dreams. The same dreams that she plays in front of my eyes as I lay there in the still of night. She plays me happy memories of my youth as a sick reminder of how life was before she penetrated my mind.

I pray every night before I rest my eyes, I pray for not only my soul to remain safe from her wrath, but every other soul to be safe from their alternate. My soul has suffered through so much turmoil I wonder if it’s even there anymore; if she hasn’t fully taken over and her soul is the only one in its place. That cannot be possible though, if it was these words wouldn’t be let out right now. My soul still clings to the body it was born to and has put up a great fight trying to protect its territory from this wretched evil. I don’t think it can hang on much longer though. Once my soul is gone, I’m gone, and this body is no longer God’s precious beauty, it’ll be built in with the walls of Hell.

Why did I have to loathe life so much as I was growing up? My life was fine compared to this. I could’ve had a chance at love, a chance at an actual life. I still have dreams, I still have wishes and I want them to come out and be heard before I vanish off of this planet. Oh please, let them be heard! I beg this vile demon as often as I can to just let me be! Why me? Is it because I was ungrateful? Oh, I’ve changed! I’ve changed immensely, please I’m begging of you believe me. Dear Lord, don’t let me die in hate, let me die in love for you and to be free of the viciousness that has made home inside of me. Lord, I can feel the fire! Save me before I go to Hell with her! She’s taking me to Hell! She has my hand gripped tightly; I must escape before she takes me to the depths.

I bid farewell to this earth I had to survive in for the past sixteen years.

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