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My Modest Proposal
“A Modest Proposal for preventing the future generations of women in America from becoming snobby, overconfident brats and gold diggers as previously seen on numerous reality shows, and for making them beneficial to the public.”
It is a doleful object to those who drive through this four mile long town filled with nothing more than a Walmart, cattle and million dollar houses, when they stroll into Publix, Dunkin Donuts or the other popular places and witness the mothers instantly becoming slaves for their hysterical baby “princess” who in reality lacks all the qualities of a true princess, including respect and composure. These mothers, instead of being able to calmly simmer down their child with a soothing voice and pat on the back, abide by their brat’s public indecency, further promoting this temper tantrum and ultimately creating five year old monsters that eventually burgeon into self centered, pompous females seen on The Real Housewives of Who-Really-Cares, Toddlers and Tiaras, also known as Toddlers whose mother’s think they are still twenty five years old, and fail to independently survive in the cold world we call reality.
When I assert this statement, I feel that it is supported by numerous accounts that this growing number of nuisances is severely effecting the future generations of children, seen through actions of girl’s bullying in Middle Schools, as well as the over increase of income many makeup companies have received by children under the age of fifteen. In this time of disparity, I write to desperately call upon any intelligent human being who can come up with an effective, reasonable and simple method of turning these materialistic morons into classy members of the public.
But let me just notify you now, my intention is very farfetched and not within the norms of society as one would proclaim, but it shall take in the whole number of infants who exhibit these snobbish traits and put them to use in society where they can be utilized to the highest extent.
After carefully considering the potential calamities as well as the beneficial outcomes, weighing out each result and its effect on society equally, I have drawn a very logical conclusion that would not only morph these patronizing girls into presentable women, but also better the rest of the generations by teaching all future females to not turn out like these disturbing girls have before them.
The number of offspring in this town of Parkland has multiplied intensively as more adolescent parents venture here with their child who seems to be only twenty years younger than them. You were on “Sixteen and Pregnant?” Oh, you must be so experienced! Let’s just say every “Mommy and Me” in Broward County has been filled, which could be because of the growing population, or it also could be because these parents insist on having their children in only the most expensive, renovated and modernized class. The number of brats in this exclusive kingdom adds up to be about seventy fiver percent of the population under age fifteen. Of these, I assert that half of are girls, who seem to be the most emotionally disturbed. Let’s play devil’s advocate and reason that of all these girls, a good ten percent is still innocent and not disheartened by society’s dreadful expectations. That leaves us with forty percent of girls, forty percent of brat, forty percent of deceitful evil, forty percent trouble that must be solved immediately before our entire planet consists of overpriced jewelry, weekly Botox injections, and only dietary supplements being served at McDonalds: “Come hungry, leave…hungry.”
For what I am about to propose, I am not clinically deranged. I am assured by others, such as leading owners of many Day Care facilities as well as teachers alike, that a girl fifteen and under is no stable commodity; and even when they surpass the dramatic times of puberty and Middle School, they will not yield any positive motives or outlooks, leaving them and their bare minimum shorts to be a negative attribute to every mother.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
After spending countless hours pondering, I have drawn the theory that these teen children horrors would be very helpful and efficacious if transported to the continent of Antarctica, to not only help balance out the economy, but also to help disperse the growing population of the United States.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the forty percent of Parkland urchins total about one thousand children under the age of fifteen. If these one thousand children are randomly commuted from this small town to the continent of Antarctica, the frozen desert, then that leaves more room for the boys and the innocent girls to find similar interests, and hopefully grow up to reproduce only the classiest children around. By removing the indecent objects from this premises, all that leaves us is a adequate equation for the creation of better generations by removing the problem at it’s source.
I have calculated that a loss of skin cancer would arise due to the decrease in usage of tanning beds for the desperate pre-teen females who insist they are pale although they use SPF 0 at the beach every weekend, almost being the same color as a brand new fire truck, but who’s here to judge?
I grant this relocation will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for dare care and after care centers, allowing the employees to be home for dinner each night as well as in bed before the Heat Game is over, which not only decreases the amount of cars on the highway during rush hour, but also lowers the accidents that occur because of this rush most people are constantly in to pick up their children after a tiring day at the office.
Infants flesh will be properly taken care of in Antarctica; of course a malfunction in wardrobe may occur due to the fact that their short shorts will not protect them from the frostbite, shucks. The flesh will also be clear and blemish free, which reduces the cake faces that seem to hide everything besides the color or their eyes. This gives MAC and BareMinerals a chance to create poison for elders’ skin, which may or may not reduce their wrinkles, most likely may not, although there is hope, which is frequently found in Botox centers; when you’re eighty five what else do you have to spend your retirement on?
Those who are skeptical about sending their children to such a baron and desolate location shall no longer feel fearful, for there are many skilled scientists on this frozen dessert. Some of the most intelligent men and women are on this continent studying all the bountiful life on Antarctica. Most say this is an oxymoron, but I call it genius. One day you will understand. Due to the desolate atmosphere, consisting of nothing more than polar bears and whale sharks, the children will be instilled with a new sense of respect, for they will learn how to abide by the rules or they will surely be eaten by ferocious seals or perhaps left to freeze in their Abercrombie miniskirt that costs as much as your college tuition—moving on.
Many question the importance of sending these girls to this foreign land, but I do not even place these inquiries into consideration. An foreigner, a visitor from the Mid-West or perhaps from the North may venture into South Florida and recognize the calamity at it’s base—the girls. Of course, one cannot help but place the blame on their mothers and fathers who succumb to the brat’s ignorant and pompous attitude that could never be ignored due to the temper tantrums that continue on for hours on end. Okay so Mommy had a stressful day at work, it’s understandable to hand Elizabeth a lollypop before dinner to hush her crying. But Elizabeth’s acceptance for punishment continues to diminish after being rewarded all she pleases, day after day after day after day after day, and so on. But Mother is not the problem of course, she’s the parent; she always knows best.
I’m afraid my story has become too personal; I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages I have made are clear and vast, as well as of the highest importance for all society to enjoy.
For first, as previously stated, the health benefits are in the masses. Tanning beds will no longer face law suits from angered skin-cancered parents who grew up in and out of UV salons, also known as Body Heat.
Secondly, dispersing the girls into other land masses would decrease the dense population in South Florida and greatly bring Antarctica into the world with a slash of feminism. Instead of laughing at the iceblock with no life, one can venture down to this continent and see the creatures in their natural state, and I mean natural, not Neutrogena Natural, but really natural.
Thirdly, rush hour will no longer be rush hour because parents will be in their homes watching the six o-clock news with a television dinner instead of sitting around a table discussing their days, which reduces the number of accidents and also relieves much stress that arises from picking up their children from designated places at designated times.
Therefore, let no man talk to me of other expedients. I have reasoned that these advantages are far more beneficial than the idea of “missing your child” or “being apart for such a long time.” The relocation of a thousand bratty children not only saves parents hundreds of dollars a year by not purchasing Advil, but also promises a better future for all young girls who can look up to role models such as Hillary Clinton, rather than Lindsay Lohan.
Let me just include, that I am not so violently bend upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by other parents or subjects who can reason with just as much logic as I. But no one has arrived at a better conclusion, leaving this proposal to be of the highest significance.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart that I have not done this research or reasoned to this extent for my own endeavor. A person like me, of such intelligence and acuity, does not have the time to patrol children or other synonymous pests. Best of luck to my parental readers, for you have an enthralling adventure ahead of you. Just wait until you’re the grandparent!