Welcome to Suburbia

April 15, 2012
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Location, location, location! Green lawns and white picket fences are nothing but enticing to prospective homeowners. Just like their manicured yards, the residents are always done up to a tee. With an abundance of nail salons, dry cleaners and Starbucks cafes, these quaint towns and villages are stocked with all the necessities. Why live in large cities and cultural centers when you can live a train ride away and engage in a completely unique culture? When searching for a home, there is only one place: the suburbs.

One of the major draws to the suburbs is the suburban mom. She goes by many names including soccer mom, chauffer, queen of the playground and for a select few, MILF. The average suburban mother drives an SUV and knows that she is a superb driver. Because of this extreme confidence, she takes her car up to seventy miles per hour on local roads with complete caution. Living in the suburbs has evolved these women into avid multi-taskers. She can be on the phone, driving, and folding the laundry and not smudge her freshly done nails. Now that is a talent! One of her favorite past times is sharing stimulating stories about her children. When sitting down to lunch at the country club with the girls, the suburban mom goes out of her way to tell the group about her cavity-less son and her Picasso-to-be daughter amongst plans to host the next block party, how tiring her days are and her dedication to her workout regimen. Her dedication spills over into social situations and her reputation maintenance. She upholds her status by visiting the new neighbor with a chicken pot pie in hand, a genuine smile on her face and pleasant thoughts in mind.

The accessory to the suburban mother is the suburban father. He is always at his wife’s side at all major events and parties. These men work challenging jobs with long hours. He spends most of his time out of the house giving the suburban wife much needed pampering time. Despite the absence of the suburban husband, steady cash flow keeps the spark alive in every good suburban relationship. Many business trips are taken to warm climates for business deals made over meals at five star restaurants and many rounds of golf. These men bond over sports and barbequing, and when a new family settles down the lane, the suburban man is the first to hug a bro and welcome him into the neighborhood.

Who is watching the kids, you ask? Nannies are one of the many amenities utilized in the suburban household. They are supplied with everything one could ever want; all of their life goals are achieved by taking a job as a nanny. They get a roof over their head, children to raise and a group of neighborhood nanny friends. Due to their suspect status as United States citizens, nannies oblige to the requests of the matriarchal figure in the home. They take on tasks such as making the six year old son’s science fair project, dropping off a package in South Dakota and even carrying out a hit order. It’s safe to say, the suburban household is an open and loving environment for these well-treated ladies.

Life in the suburbs is not complete without suburban children. They are the apple of suburban parents’ eyes. From prodigy toddlers to rebellious teens, these kids have it all. With a bat of eyelashes and glimpse of puppy dog eyes, they have parents wrapped around their fingers and dropping cash daily. Suburban kids reward their parents with the daily response of “good”, “yup” and “fine” to a wide array of questions. Their avid vocabulary of one syllable words is constantly interrupted with “like” and “uhm” showing their intellectual level and deserved placement in higher level classes and A range grades. Along with their mental strengths, these children also excel in social situations. Regardless of the situation, these suburban children are attached to their technological devices as if they were appendages. Settling in the suburbs ensures your child a tight nit group of socially accepting, open friends.

The people of the suburbs are the epitome of the phrase do it yourself. They take strenuous tasks such as passing off the title of “second mom”, writing dozens of hand-cramping checks and sharing private information from others and make them look effortless. What you see is what you get with suburban families. Drive down the street and you will see these all-American families living in harmoniously cloned lives. Surely you will be drawn in and the next thing you know, you will be watching the new neighbors move in.

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