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Lisa

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Sometimes I still think of Lisa. She was the only thing that ever loved me back. It’s cruel how you get something only to have it forcefully taken away from you. It all Started on a Monday many years ago.

I was looking for dates on Eharmony.com. When you’re 30 years old balding, unemployed and live in your mothers basement, Internet dating sites are about the only way your going to get female companionship.

I was just about to log out when an email popped up on my computer screen. I remember it now. I don’t think I could forget it even if I tried, but nether the less there they were








Dear Glen,






We are sorry but you have been rejected







by every female on Eharmony.com.





We have decided to suspend your membership
Sincerely, Eharmony.com

But how could that be? There had to be over 10,000 women on Eharmony.com how could all of them have turned me down. How could I have even asked that many women out? Sure I did spend a lot of my time, well all my time online but 10,000 that’s so many people. I quickly tried to ask user 107AQ34C68 out I clicked the button and a window popped up

You have already asked this person out

The same thing happened, again and again and again. The window kept popping up. I couldn’t believe it. I stormed up the stairs. My footsteps echoed through the small house. The yellow flowery curtains billowed as I blew past them in my disbelief. My heart thumping as I climbed into into my little blue hand me down Chevy nova. I yanked open the door and it came clear off the hinges. So threw the door down on the newly planted marigolds, smothering them in cold rusty metal. I put the car in drive snapping the already duck taped stick off. I smashed it back on with a piece of already chewed bubblegum I had found under my seat. I started out on the freeway I didn’t know were I was going I just knew I was going.

On the freeway I passed 2 nuclear power plants an aquarium and a dairy farm. Seeing all those cows made me remember Mom never made me breakfast that morning. She always makes me scrambled eggs home fries and beef bacon with a glass of orange juice. Seeing as it was already 2:00 I figured the closest I was going to get to that was a big Mac and fries and a soda at McDonalds. Luckily there were McDonalds about every 5 miles all over the country I figured I wouldn’t have to wait a long time. Within minutes I saw the McDonalds sign so I took my exit headed towards the big golden sitting high above the skyline.
I managed to snag a parking spot up front. I didn’t bother locking my car since there was no door. I walked in an opened the massive shiny metal doors that look so light but you actually have to lean your whole body against to open them. This may be true to everyone or just me. It might have something to do with the fact I haven’t been to a gym since high school PE. I don’t know why maybe it was the bad memories of being taunted and shoved in lockers by the football team.

I walked up to the register and that’s when I saw her. Her beautiful brown juicy skin glowed underneath the florescent lights. The fresh crispy green lettuce peeking out from ender the tan bun, Teasing all those who might pay her a second glance. The blissful aroma of beef wafted into my nose.
“Excuse me sir can I help you sir?”
“What?” I said breaking out of my trance
“What would you like to order sir?” said the woman behind the register.
“Uhh I would like a big Mac no I mean the big Mac no that big Mac”


“I’m sorry sir that’s for a customer”
“What am I? Listen it’s really important I’ll give you my last few bucks”
“If I give it to you will you leave me alone?”
“Yes absolutely”

“Here that would be 2 dollars and fifty cents thank you and please doesn’t come again.”

I paid for my food and left the McDonalds. I sat down in my busted up car and sat gazing at my big Mac. I was in love with her already and I didn’t even know her name. Since she was being shy I decided to call her Lisa, my Lisa.

The whole ride home I spent getting to know Lisa. We had so much in common. One thing kept nagging me. How would my mother react to my abstract relationship? What if she didn’t approve? I decided then that our relationship had to be a secret.


I Parked my car. Stuck the door back into place and ran inside. I flew down the stairs, and placed Lisa under my bead.

Under my bead she stayed I would spend days at a time talking to her. Eventually my mom started to worry about me. I wasn’t eating my bacon. How could I eat my own girlfriend’s family or what could be her family. Mom sent me out on an errand to go pick out a new video game.

When I arrived back I immediately ran downstairs to tell Lisa about my new game attack of the killer mutant squid ninjas 2. It smelled really weird as I went down the stairs like cleaning and chemicals. at the bottom was my mother.
“SURPRISE” she squeaked





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