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Snow White and the 7 Secrets
Once upon a time, there was a reporter on the hunt for a good story, and she tripped on a root sticking out the ground. She looked up to see… a huge tree staring down at her.
“Ouch!” the tree yelled, “How would you like it if I went around and tripped on your toes and fell on your children?”
The reporter looked down to see that she had, indeed, landed on the little tree sprout. “Hey, lady! You’re killing me down here.”
“Holy moly! Y-y-you talk! B-b-but that’s impossible! You’re plants!”
“And you’re rude! Just like that fate brunette that came trotting through here a week or so ago. Now that we got the obvious cleared up, what are you doing in my woods?”
Scared of what might happen next, the reporter came up with a quick lie. “I’m, um, I’m a scientist. I’m collecting bark and leaves and such for, um, testing.”
“A scientist!” All the trees screamed in disbelief. “Do you know what we do to scientist around here?”
“No, and I don’t believe I want to. That was a lie, a bad lie. My name is Ila Noseall. I’m really just a reporter looking for Snow White. Can you help me?”
“Snow White? You mean that FAKE brunette I mentioned earlier. Why on Earth would anyone want to look for her? She’s a tone-deaf, clumsy BLONDE! That’s right. I said it. BLONDE!”
“How do you know she’s blonde?”
“I have the gift of spotting fake roots from anywhere. Grand Oak has had her’s replaced twice.”
“Mom! Don’t tell a lie. We saw the delivery guy run through here yesterday. He was asking for Snow White and told us if she didn’t get her hair dye soon, everyone would know her secret. But if I were her, I’d go blonde. I here there’s an evil which on the hunt for her,” informed the sprout, Maple.
“Don’t you mean the queen?”
“The queen! How could she be evil? She the nicest lady in the kingdom! She water’s us every day.”
“Whatever. Will you just tell me about your little encounter with Miss Snow White?”
“Gladly. By the way, I’m Mrs. Pine,” and Mrs. Pine began the story, “Just remember to listen closely and take notes. Okay, ready? Let’s start by revealing all of her secrets. Everyone already knows the story of Snow White. There have been hundreds of reporters out here. What they know is what she told them, they don’t have a clue about the truth.”
“What truth?” asked the reporter, suddenly glad she had come across this tree, This story will be the juiciest in history, she thought.
“All of them. There are seven and I’ve already mentioned half. Like I said earlier, Snow White is nothing but a tone-deaf, clumsy blonde. She can’t sing to save her life, so she carries a tape recorder around with her just to trick people. I guess she’s smarter then we give her credit for. Anyway, we stopped and spoke with that delivery boy the other day, and told me that she has green eyes and really, really white skin. Yep, she spray tans and wears colored contacts. She is SO fake.
“He also told us about how Snow White got out here. Apparently, Snow White and the queen got in this huge fight because she wanted to marry this guy and the queen said she had to marry the prince and blah blah blah. So Snow White decided that she had to run away and that’s when she met us.
“She was so clumsy. She was singing this song about bravery and junk when her tape recorder batteries died and we heard her real voice. It was terrible. It sounded like a dying cat under a rocking chair. Then she started dancing and that’s when she walked all over my roots. Snap, snap, crack! It hurt so badly. Naturally, I started screamed, which scared her and when she tripped on one of my roots, she fell, and passed out. And by passed out, I mean she was out like a light.
“That’s when the dwarves came rolling by. Literally. Every night they haul their wagon up to that big hill, pile in, and roll down it. Anyway, they saw her lying in their path and decided to take her home while she recovers. And that’s where she is now. Anything else?” Mrs. Pine finished.
“Yeah,” started Ila Noseall, “You said that there were seven secrets about Snow White, but you only told me five of them. What are the others?”
“Oh, I almost forgot about those! Snow White is old, like 35, and she is quite short. That’s right. She has had some work done and she wears heels that are like a foot and a half long. I guess that just adds to her clumsiness.”
“How do you know that she’s old?”
“The delivery boy, the one with the hair dye, he told us that she wears these really expensive facial masks at night and it keeps away the wrinkles.”
“What about her height?”
“When she fell, her shoe flew off and we noticed that it was taller than Maple.”
“Great. Thanks. This story will put my name on the map. Everyone will come to Ila Noseall for the cold, hard truth. I can’t wait to have this published. I’ll see ya around.”
The Secrets of Snow White
By Ila Noseall
Everyone knows the queen’s daughter, Snow White. What everyone doesn’t know is her seven secrets. Some might say the Snow White is a big fake, that there’s nothing true about her. These would be the few who truly know her. As for everyone else, we think she perfect. That there’s not a single thing wrong with her. We are wrong. Snow White has more flaws then we can ever dream of.
First, as it turns out, her beautiful singing voice is the otherwise known as Millie Mathe, who works in the library. All Snow White does is carry around a tape recorder with Millie’s voice singing out of it. Snow White mouths along and we were all tricked by her cleverness.
Most people know Snow White because of her gracefulness, but let me tell you that Snow White will not be performing in Swan Lake any time soon. She can barely walk. Most of that’s because of her tall shoes. Snow White is short, so she wears super tall heels to improve her height which in turns adds to her clumsiness.
Next, Snow White is older then we think. She is about mid-30s and has had some work done over the years. Plus, she wears really expensive masks at night to erase the wrinkles. I guess we all can’t be models.
Now for her appearance. She dyes her hair black because she is truly a blonde. I guess she got sick of the jokes. She also wears colored contacts to make her eyes look brown. Smart because it adds to her “disguise”. Finally, she spray tans. I guess she’s not really “Snow White”.
I guess the main question that has been stuck in my head while writing this is “Who really is the princess of this kingdom?” Does anyone really know? I suppose we all do now.
Now, when Snow White heard of this, even though it was all the truth, she marched home to her castle and demanded that Ila Noseall be locked up for disgracing the royal family and the kingdom. No one had ever known so many terrible secrets about Snow White and everyone tried to keep it that way, but Ila Noseall knows a good scoop when she hears one.
“I guess next time I’ll think before I go telling the truth about someone!” exclaimed Ila Noseall.