Lost Innocence

January 17, 2008
By Jeevanjot Singh, Toronto, ZZ

As I gaze into the innocence in my eyes I am bewildered at the thought of what I once was. I rarely referred back to my earlier photos to reflect upon myself, until now. My complexion has not changed and I can recognize myself but I am a whole different person.

The past is clearly engraved into my memory but I was seldom to look back and analyze by behaviours. So innocent, yet so impure in thoughts.

I have done wrong, and I have been wrong in my thinking for many years I have realized. The future looked bright but here I am in future looking back into the past. I had no idea of what I have done to become what I am or what I have done to deserve what I am going through. I am at a loss of words for explaining the reason for my current actions. I am not disappointing only my parents but myself.

This is just a stone in my path if life and I am trying to neglect it. I am not happy and what makes it worse is my parents are not happy. So young, I had no problems and I had no worries. I would give anything to go back to that moment and start all over again. I was not even thinking of what was to come.

Me, holding a birthday cake at school, grinning while waiting anxiously to share and eat it with my friends. Never would I have imagined what was happening right now. Turning 4 was a big deal for me and so was turning into a teenager.

Had I realized of what was to come I would have started to cry, the future is not bright like so many others are led to believe. The future holds secrets, lies, mistrust, betrayals, backstabs, tears, pain, misery and hurt. But yet, here is nothing that I could have done to avoid what has happened. I am at a loss of words to explain what is so wrong in my life.

Had I known that my mother was going to be sick and what my family was going to turn out to be I would not have wanted to live on. There is so much negativity, and I am startled to think of if there was negativity when I was younger. There probably was, but because I as obsessed with playing and getting into trouble I never realized.

There have been good times, but the bad have overweighed them. Because of that I am probed to think about the rough patches and not the good ones. I just wished there was some way for me to know when I was young and carefree that I would have the lifestyle that I have now. Its hard to understand even for myself that life is a hard journey.

Only since I began to reflect on the past that the future has come into focus. My life has not ended and neither has the obstacles. I must take each week, day, hour, minute and second on one by one. In reaching my conclusion on my analysis I have figured out the obvious.

I have broken free of my regrets and of my intolerable behaviour I once conducted and am able to proudly march on into the future which does look bright to me.

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