What Death Ray?

January 15, 2008
By DJ Sautbine, East Troy, WI

Spaceman Tom was to be the first Mexican on Pluto. Knowing that the trip would take many years to complete, NASA selected a small child. After months of unrealistic training and simulations, it hit Tom he was going to die. All the safety protocols and lists of thing that can go wrong, Tom realized he was as good as dead. Never the less Tom decided to stay in the program after being bribed with a box of Twinkies. Soon after they decided he was ready for his mission, a mission that would put him in the record books.
So Tom dawned his space suit which had a built in bathroom which excited Jeff to a point where he could finally test it out. NASA stuffed Tom’s ship with pizza and zebra cakes, and wished him the best of luck. They locked him into his seat and bolted the door shut. The two men walked down the catwalk and ran away as fast as they could. “Ground control to Tom,” rang Tom’s earpiece.
Tom began to sing “This is Major Tom to ground control, I’m stepping through the door, and I’m floating in a most a peculiar way, and the stars look very different today. For here am I sitting in a tin can far above the world, planet earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.”
Ground control yelled in the ear piece “Shut up Tom you haven’t left yet.”
“Oh my bad,” replied Tom.
“Ground control to Major Tom, were beginning the countdown sequence. 10...9...8...2...1. Blastoff.”
Tom ecstatically yelled “What happened to seven through three.”
“We got lazy and skipped them,” replied ground control.

Shortly after takeoff Tom’s ship began to lose control. It veered off course and eventually crashed in Antarctica. Tom had a feeling that the trip was going to be longer than that, but due to his short attention span he didn’t think much about it. Tom began to push random buttons to see what they do after many hours he finally found the button to unlock him from the seat. Unfortunately he was upside down and smacked his noggin on the control panel and even more unfortunate, was he wasn’t lucky enough to get some sense knocked into him just stupidity.
Tom then recollected himself and ventured outside. But not without his death ray which NASA told him to use only in life and death situations. Just as Tom reached the bottom step he saw something so he charged his death ray and proceeded with caution. Finally one came closer, he was disgusted by the creature with its webbed feet and pointy beak and it even looked like it was wearing a little tuxedo. Horrified by the penguin Tom shot it, but as that penguin fell more of the came. Until he was completely surrounded by them, Tom knowing he couldn’t take them all threw down his weapon and became a slave to the penguin king and his far superior intelligence.
The penguin king now armed with a death ray was sure that he could take over the world. King penguin now made many threatening threats to all countries of the world; it was shortly after that, that the United Nations authorized the use of Nuclear weapons on Antarctica. Unfortunately with the detonation of the nukes the extreme heat caused it to melt and flood the entire planet. The king penguin didn’t rule the world, but then again there was no civilization left to rule. Except for the mermaids under the sea but then again no one liked them anyways.

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