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Cinematized Earth: An Overview

Background: In the year 2525, nuclear war between Canada and Czechoslovakia annihilated 99% of life on earth. The percent that survived remained in underground shelters for many years to follow. They reproduced, and taught their children the languages of post-war-earth, but the antebellum customs began to fade. In the year 3535, human beings emerged from their underground shelters, as they had become too crowded. Then the new Earth citizens were faced with a problem: they could all communicate and wanted to begin society again, but knew nothing of Earth’s previous customs. A few years of anarchy passed as self-appointed leaders searched for any and all documentation of examples of government and stability. They found none. Finally, in the year 3537, a warehouse full of ancient Netflix DVDs was discovered, along with the apparati to play them. After many years of studying the movies, Man was once again able to civilize Earth, but unfortunately, in the formulaic and seldom realistic ways depicted in the movies.

Government: To be an elected official in the dystopian world, the following traits are required: 1) The potential official must wear a suit at all times to represent his importance. 2) The official may have no more than one dimension, or characteristic. This rule does not apply to female officials, as they must be ambitious despite living in a man’s world. 3) The official must be either good hearted and saint-like, or entirely corrupt and evil. The good politicians must periodically pound their fists on a table, and call out one of the corrupt politicians. 4) The official elected commander-in-chief must always appear busy, but never really do anything. He or she must walk rapidly through multiple corridors while being spoken to by upwards of three advisors and give each of them a monosyllabic response. He must have no less than five file folders handed to him by lesser officials during any given walk. Once a day, he must sit at his desk (which must be swamped with papers) and show that the stress is getting to him by resting his face in his hands.

Crime and Punishment: Prisons will be filled with multiracial gangs coated in tattoos. The largest and strongest of the prisoners will be appointed the ‘secretly has a kind heart’ inmate. Once a year, an innocent man will be placed in the jail for a crime he did not commit. He will at first be afraid of the swarms of intimidating criminals, but will come to befriend some of them. His weekly visits from his wife or girlfriend will gradually reveal that his old life is slipping away. A year later, he will emerge a new man, and must look over his shoulder at the prison while standing in the rain.
Economics: 1) Suits. 2) Cigars. 3) Buy low, sell high.
Education: All teachers must encourage their students not to follow the prepared curriculum. Instead, they will be encouraged to stand on their desks and talk about ‘the real them.’ Classes full of inner-city African-American and Latino students must have no intention to learn, until a teacher from another state touches their hearts with humor and privately discusses their family life issues. The students may or may not learn to express themselves through poetry rather than violence. An educator must, at some point, get in trouble for using ‘unconventional teaching methods,’ but will later be defended by his or her students.
Relationships: Relationships must follow the pattern of an ambitious career-driven woman falling for the man she previously despised. The woman will eventually see the man’s charm, and the man, who must be smug and overtly arrogant, has had feelings for the woman all along. They will go on several ‘quirky’ dates and have humorous interactions with their underachieving best friends regarding their mates. About a year into the relationship, the man must do something that, possibly inadvertently, offends the woman. It will seem as though the relationship is over, at which point the man must make a grand gesture that wins back the woman’s heart.
Religion: The new Earth Inhabitants worship many gods. They believe that the gods made the holy films that led to society’s return. Of the thousands of gods, the principle ones are Hitchcock, Tarantino, Scorsese, and Cameron. Worship practices include reciting Jules Winnfield’s speech from Pulp Fiction, acting out Robert De Niro’s rage-filled ‘You talkin’ to me?’ scene from Taxi Driver, or by joining hands and humming the theme from Titanic. They celebrate a holiday called “Corn-Fest,” in which they gather on a country road surrounded by cornfields and await the crop-dusting plane that chases them all to the celebration barn. They believe that when they die, they will inhabit the body of one of the characters from one of the holy films, and live on repeating the sacred lines over and over again, for all eternity.
Future: Unfortunately, the future people are not bright enough to pick up on the ‘impending doom lest we change our ways’ message at the end of every other movie made by an American director, and will likely mimic pre-war behavior and, inevitably, cause nuclear annihilation again. And if this were a formulaic movie, the ridiculously circuitous cycle would begin again.





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