Academic Clubs Club

April 6, 2008
(Walking down the main hall)
Stan: Don’t forget we have a chess club meeting at lunch Kelvin.
Kelvin: I’m skipping it today.
Stan: But the competition is in one week and we need you at as many meeting as humanly possible. Besides me, you’re the best we’ve got to work with.
Ishmael: Shut up Stanley. I’m not that bad (says in his accent)
Kelvin: I have a luncheon with Mr. Reginald and Ms. Jeffrey in order to get better funding for the advanced Geography club. As the president, it’s my job.
Stan: You’re also the vice president of the chess club and I can overrule you Kelvin!
Kelvin: Don’t be a dictator Stanley.
Stan: Oh, go use your nasal spray! (Turns in a huff)
Kelvin: Is that supposed to be an insult? It’s medicated Stanley, you know that! (Stanley’s already halfway down the hall) Yeah well, go eat our of your Futurama lunchbox!
Ishmael: Hey Kelvin, could you maybe mention something about the funding for Yamicas United?
Kelvin: Ish, the only members of that club are you and Jamal.
Ishmael: But if we had better funding, we would have more members, yes?
Kelvin: No Ish, you two are the only Jewish people in this school. (Explains slowly)
Ishmael: Yes, but we’re recruiting and I think we might have some hopeful prospects.
Kelvin: Don’t you have to be circumcised to be a Jew?
Ishmael: Yes, but our recent tactic is to not tell them until it’s much too late to change your mind. (Kelvin raises an eyebrow and begins to walk away)
Kelvin: You’re a sick little menorah Ishmael.

(In an Advanced Calculus and Trigonometry meeting)
Lawrence: Oh yeah, because you have social hardships. (Rolls eyes)
Ishmael: I am Jewish!
Lawrence: Well people judge me too you know!
Ishmael: Lawrence, you are white! (Yells hysterically)
Lawrence: Yeah well, I’m smart.
Ishmael: So. I am too.
Lawrence: But you like chess.
Ishmael: So…
Lawrence: Everybody thinks smart people like chess… I hate chess! (Starts breathing heavily) I can’t take it anymore!
Kelvin: Can’t take what?
Lawrence: Where’s my inhaler?
Kelvin: Lawrence calm down, you don’t need your inhaler.
Lawrence: Give me my inhaler Kelvin! (Becoming hysterical)
Kelvin: I don’t have it.
Lawrence: Look, I know I told you not to give it to me when I asked for it, but God damn it Kelvin, give me the frickin’ inhaler! I’m hyperventilating!
Kelvin: You’re overreacting. (Lawrence gropes in Kelvin’s front pocket and pulls out his inhaler)
Kelvin: Lawrence… Drop the inhaler… (Lawrence runs out of the room, inhaler in his tight little grasp)
Stan: Hey guys, I know I’m vice president of the Advanced Geography Club and I should really know these things, but where is Bosnia? Is it even a country?
Kelvin: Shut up Stanley. (Stan gives Kelvin a dirty look)
Ishmael: Yes actually, I have a friend who’s Bosnian… from Bosnia.

(At an Advanced Chemistry/Physics meeting)
Stan: Hey, guess what guys?
Kelvin: Someone finally found the pod you came from in the back yard? (Stan glares at Kelvin loathingly)
Stan: No. We’re getting a foreign exchange student… From Bosnia!
Kelvin: Bosnia? I thought you didn’t even know where that was.
Lawrence: Yeah, they could all be albinos that would die if they came into the sun because their country is so small that in lies in the shadow of the other countries.
Ishmael: They’re not albinos. They’re just very pale.
Stan: And my parents picked the country, so I had no choice. But, I get to pick the person! That means that I can pick a girl… (Stanley raises both eyebrows and smiles mischeviously)
Lawrence: Yeah, a mutant-albino girl.
Kelvin: Since when did they become mutant? I thought you said they were just albino.
Ishmael: Ooh, you let me help you pick, yes?
Lawrence: Uh, no. If you let him pick, he’ll choose the first girl in the catalog. Where he comes from, I don’t think girls let them see their faces, so anything that’s female and moves will work for him.

(At the International Competition Competition)
Kelvin: (looks at the big ‘International Competition Competition’ sign above their heads) What’s with the repetition? I mean, it’s an international competition; we get it.
Stan: It’s a competition for competitions Kelvin. If they only said it once, it would just be a general international competition for who knows what. But International Competition Competition states that it’s an international competition for competitions.
Kelvin: What? (Distractedly) Oh. Shut up Stanley.
Ishmael: You guys, I don’t know if I can do this. (Nervously, eyes darting)
Kelvin: Ish, you’ve done countless competitions with us before. We’ve gone to states for numerous subjects over twenty times and nationals, over twenty.
Ishmael: I know, but all those people… And did you see the all-girl’s team from Thailand? I might have a coronary when we have to compete against them.
Laurence: Ish, keep it in your pants until after the competition.
Ishmael: (Ignoring Laurence’s comment) And it’s going to be on CNN and ABC. I saw the camera crews.
Stan: (Panicked) What, this is going to be on national television?! I’m not good with publicity. And the competition’s at four.
Ishmael: I think I’m going to be sick. (Covers mouth and runs in the direction of the girl’s bathroom)
Kelvin: Ish, that’s the—(A few seconds later, a horde of girls come out of the bathroom screaming)
Lawrence: Oh God, I can’t remember the quadratic equation! I learned it in the fourth grade and have used it religiously ever since!
Stan: Calm down, it’s negative b square-root of b squared minus four a c over two a. Everything’s going to be fine.
Lawrence: Are you sure it’s four a c?! (Hysterically)
Stan: Of course I’m sure man, pull yourself together!
Kelvin: Everybody just stop freaking out, okay?! It’s making me freak out and I don’t need to be freaking out right now! (Looking insane) Laurence give me your inhaler!
Laurence: Back off, I need all of this for myself! (Blocking the inhaler from view)
Kelvin: You’re addicted to that thing, you know. I see you when you think no one’s looking and you inhale much more than the proper dosage of a person with mild asthma is supposed to.
Laurence: Oh please, I’ve seen you with your “medicated” nasal spray. That’s pure drug-store spray Kelvin. It’s a common nerd’s crack!
Stan: I’m really not comfortable with all these cameras around. This means that serial killers and rapist world round can put a name to my face and find me whenever, wherever. (Says in an abnormally high voice)
Laurence: Trust me Stanley, no rapist is going to want to come after you. That is pure factual information.
Kelvin: Has anyone seen my nasal spray? It’s an orange bottle with blue writing on the front. (Frantically searching his pockets and backpack)
Laurence: Oh, you mean this? (Waving the bottle in the air)
Kelvin: Give it to me now.
Laurence: Then promise to stop making fun of my inhaler and taking it away from me.
Kelvin: You tell me to take it away from you, and then you get aggravated when I don’t give it to you, and then you get mad at me afterwards when you finally manage to get it from me and say that I ‘let’ you have it. Well, I’m sick of it! (Grabs inhaler out of Lawrence’s hand and throws it against the wall. It breaks into pieces on the ground. Lawrence screams and then tackles Kelvin to the ground, nasal spray in hand, continuously spraying him in the face)
Stan: Hey guys, maybe we should go check on Ish. He’s been in there awhile and we need him alive and coherent if we’re going on national tele… National telev—(suddenly barfs on the ground next to where Lawrence is attacking Kelvin)
Kelvin: Stanley, gross! There’s barf on my sleeve.
Lawrence: Thanks a lot Stan, the remnants of my inhaler have been christened by your puke! (Ishmael slowly walks out of the girl’s bathroom looking rather sickly)
Ishmael: What time is it?
(The loud speaker announces the final call for the four o’clock round, United States VS Thailand)
Stan: That’s us.
Kelvin: Do we have to go?
Ishmael: I would rather not. I’ve never liked these competitions, I just like the clubs. The four of us are the only members of all the academic clubs where we can do what we like without the whole world watching. And I don’t work well under pressure.
Lawrence: Well then, screw this competition. Let’s do it our way and instead of trying to prove to everyone else what we are, let’s do what we want for ourselves.
(All smile and walk out of the International Competition Competition building together)
Kelvin: Come on Lawrence, let’s go buy you a new extra-strength inhaler. (Puts a barf covered arm around Lawrence)

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