Enter Confusion

April 4, 2008
By Matt Bourgault, Old Orchard Beach, ME

(Enter Confusion to deliver Prologue)

Confusion. Ladies and gentlemen, or gentlemen and ladies,

I’m not sure what to say, they both sound so crazy.

Whoever you are, direct your attention to the stage.

And if you’re reading this, keep your eyes on the page.

The world is caught up in who is right,

So we hope this play provides answers tonight.

You see this is a legendary tale,

Complete with a hero that is too pale.

It’s not as if this champion is albino,

He just stays online, and is fatter than a rhino.

One day he checked his favorite message board,

To discuss World of Warcraft, about the evil Horde.

Yet the conversation going on was not about his game,

Just an opportunity that could provide fame.

And now we should join them online,

Reason has signed on, we’re just in time.

(Exit Confusion and Enter Reason)

Bourgault 2
Reason. Is common sense here? Did I give him the correct site?

(Enter Common Sense)

Common Sense. Yo Reason, it was www.ipwnnoobs.org, right?

Reason. *Sighs* You’re here, so I guess it was.

Common Sense. How ‘bout you stop talking down to me ‘cuz.

Reason. I’m sorry; I guess I don’t understand your lingo.

Common Sense. That’s ‘cuz you hang with those geezers at bingo.

Reason. Regardless, it’s obvious the world has a problem,

Al Gore’s getting rich selling Carbon Credits to all of them.

Common Sense. People have forgotten how to use their brains,

We need a hero, possibly one from Maine

Reason. Maine? We need brains, not potatoes.

Common Sense. How ‘bout you try turning down the hate, yo.

(Enter Everyskeptic)

Everyskeptic. Hey guys, are there any noobs for owning?

Common Sense. Oh great, another nerd concerned with “pwning.”

Reason. Wait, cousin, do you see his name?

Common Sense. Yeah, “Everyskeptic”, he sounds real lame.

Reason. He’s our hero, can’t you see?

Everyskeptic. Um, are you fools talking about me?

Reason. Yes, we need you to uncover the truth.
Bourgault 3

Everyskeptic. It’s not like I’m some superhero that changes in a phone booth.

Common Sense. We just need someone to find some facts,

Will you be the one to complete this task?

Reason. There will be those who try to sway you,

Take swings at them like Bobby Abreau.

Everyskeptic. So you want me to denounce some theories,

It will be like my favorite TV series.

Common Sense. On the horizon is your first adversary.

School him with facts from the library.

(Reason and Common Sense exit, Global Warming enters)

Everyskeptic. Huh, where’d my homies go?

Whatever, I don’t need them to take you down, yo.

Global Warming. Wow, it sure is hot in here.

Everyskeptic. It’s four below, what are you, weird?

Global Warming. Aren’t you worried about sea levels rising?

Everyskeptic. No, way man, because I know you’re lying.

Global Warming. How can be so sure?

Everyskeptic. I just picked up an Antarctica brochure.

It says the temperature will be like this for quit a while.

All you’re doing is spittin’ worthless bile.

Global Warming. Who are you to talk to me this way?

Everyskeptic. In defense, that’s all you have to say?

Global Warming. Wait here while I gather some “facts”.
Bourgault 4
Everyskeptic. Fine, go away, but don’t come back!

(Global Warming exits)

Everyskeptic. Well, that wasn’t so hard.

I didn’t know I was fighting a retard.

(Enter Reason)

Reason. That was great kid, but don’t get cocky.

You beat one person, you’re not Rocky.

Everyskeptic. This feels great, I can’t be beat

Brb, I have to eat.

Reason. No time now, look over there!

Everyskeptic. What is someone in their underwear?

(Exit Reason)

Everyskeptic. What’s there, I don’t see a thing.

Religion. It’s me Religion, check my bling.

Look at me I’m so rich,

Everyskeptic. Yeah, because everyone you hate is a witch.

Religion. Is there anything wrong with that?

Everything. Yes, they starve, while you grow fat.

Religion. Why don’t you try to accept us?

Everyskeptic. Sorry, I hate the short bus.

Religion. The power of God can open your eyes.

Everyskeptic. It’s really hard for me to believe your lies.
Bourgault 5
(Exit Religion, Enter God)

God. Yes, it’s me, I exist.

Everyskeptic. God, I didn’t believe you and that was a risk

I don’t know what point you’re trying to make,

Because I know you are fake.

God. What, I’m right in front of you.

Everyskeptic. You don’t get it; I’m not a Jew,

I’m not a Christian, and I don’t care.

God. Well, then I will strike you down there!

Everyskeptic. Go ahead, I’m waiting.

God. What’s this? My power’s fading!

Everyskeptic. You just exist in my mind.

I was playing with you the whole time.

(Exit God, Enter Common Sense)

Common Sense. Great job! You won the bout!

Everyskeptic. I’m tired, logging out.

(Exit Common Sense and Every skeptic, Enter Facts)

Facts. Everyone, did you enjoy the show?

I’m sorry but we must go.

Remember things aren’t what they seem

Why this is all a dream.

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