April 2, 2008
It was a shadowy, blustery day. The windows presented the illuminant ray of sunlight fighting its way through the clouds. This was a particularly long day. It felt as if it would just go on for an eternity. I writhed in the pain brought on by this day. I wanted a prompt end to this wretched day. I wished to pass on into the next life as a spiritual being. I seem to have forgotten my manners folks. Hi, my name is Herf, Herf Jones, I am a college student attending Ramblern University, and this is my story of a very awkward and somewhat unreal situation.

It all started that fateful day, a day I will never forget. It was January 14, 2007 I had awoken energetically, ready to go forth and live the day that I had awoken to. It was a gloomy, phantom-like day. I got up, went to class nothing new. Little did I know, what was in store for me that day. As I strolled across the bleak campus to my Physiology class I was stopped by my best friend Catherine. “Good morning”, she shouted across the courtyard, “you ready for our presentation on how the brain processes what the eye sees?”

“Yeah”, I responded. We went to class and l noticed that professor Conowits was no in class. I had always made fun of his Persian accent in my notebook. Another thing I noticed was, he never got sick or missed a day of class for any reason.

“So Herf, you wanna go get some breakfast or something ’cus I’m starving”, said Catherine after class.

“Yeah, why not. I should at least eat to get my brain juices pumping.” Catherine and I went to a small restaurant called the Café Jewel. It was small and dark. Most people saw Café Jewel as more of a night time poetry club, but Catherine and I knew they served brunch too. The Café Jewel always had the smell of burn food mostly burnt, rotten meat. The skimpy waitress appeared from a questionable kitchen scene. As she approached, I decided to order something besides my usual omelet bisque. The waitress addressed me first, “What’ll ya have son?”

“I guess I’ll have the hotcakes with a pair of life preservers.”

“What?! You never order anything besides your omelet soup. You o.k.?” said Catherine quite loudly.

“Yea I’m fine I just feel I need a change”

“And you young lady?”, the waitress interrupted.

“Oh right uhh….uumm I’ll have some grits with maple oatmeal.” Catherine replied. She was always so bubbly when it came to breakfast food. Catherine always ordered something that could be boiled. I think it had something to do with getting rid of calories or something anyway that is of no importance. As we watched the meager waitress speed into the hazy kitchen, we noticed something different. The waitress usually tells us how much our bill would be so we could enjoy our meal without worrying about the check, but this time she did not respond, she just took what we assumed to be the orders and left.

Fifteen minutes had passed since the waitress took our order. Something had to be up, she never took that long and there was no one else in the restaurant. Catherine decided to go to the restroom ,and I decided to see what was going down. As I stood and walked toward the kitchen, I could feel my heart pounding feeling as if something was terribly wrong. I gently knocked on the rugged door. There was no answer or sign of life in the building for that matter. “Hello…. I whispered…… hello……. Anyone in there?” there was still no answer. I decided to go to the door of the lady’s restroom and tell Catherine I was in the kitchen.

As I pried open the kitchen door, I noticed that it was bizarrely cold, far too cold to be cooking food. I crept in hoping no one would be angry for my trespassing. “Hello!”, I called again, but there was still no answer. At that moment I felt the ground beneath my feet begin to slip. I was being pulled by someone or something. As I tried to crawl for the exit I realized my feet were stuck to the rug. I was doomed ,and there was no one there to save me. I slid for nearly 10 feet knowing that when I reached the end I would reach the end of my life. In the distance I could hear a faint, familiar voice coming from above me. It called, “Herf……………. What are you doing?…………………………. Get away………….”. I tried as hard as I could but it was no use.

I had been sliding and turning corners for nearly 5 minutes. I soon found out Café Jewel was a lot larger than it looked. As I slid to my doom I thought of an old campus legend that said that Café Jewel was named because underneath the building down to its soul lied the world’s biggest diamond. Then I thought of the waitress. Why had she changed so much? Why had she not come back? Then the answer fell from the sky in the form of Catherine. “What are you doing here?!”, I shouted.

“Saving your butt apparently”, she retorted.

“Well don’t just sit there help me get unstu……..” I stopped in mid-sentence for I had seen the face of my exterminator.

“Well hello there children.”, said a voice that was not too unfamiliar. It was none other than Professor Conowits. He was the campus psycho history teacher. He was always blabbering on about treasure and now he had found his. “I had not expected any visitors to my little escapade, but no matter I’ll just handle you like I did the owner and waitress.”

“What have you done to them? If you so much as laid a hand on those wonderful people so help me I’ll……..”

“Catherine. Catherine. Catherine must you always be so lovely and full of life. The world is not all pickles and rainbows.”

“Pickles and rainbows?” Catherine and I said together.

“Shut up! Now you both will share the fate of the other two” Professor Conowits said as he pulled out a chrome 38. He aimed the gun at my stomach and fired. There was no doubt, I was shot. Catherine was stunned ,and as Conowits aimed the gun at her, I jabbed his knee with my fist. As he fell to the ground in agony, Catherine took the gun and called the police. The cops arrived shortly and Conowits was arrested. When asked why he would kill innocent people Conowits responded, “I wanted the diamond. The diamond!”. The chief of police then turned to me and said, “Son, the only reason you survived is because of the glare brought on by the dim ray of sunshine through that window there.”

“Officer will Herf be o.k.? and what about Professor Conowits?” Catherine shouted. By the shock in her voice, you could tell that she would never be the same again. The policeman then responded, “Your friend will be o.k. As we know, killing people is wrong. Mr. Conowits will be spending a long time in a mental rehabilitation center then he’s going to jail.” said the chief. Then he turned to Professor Conowits and said, “To kill someone for a treasure you don’t even know exists that’s sick and wrong.”

Two weeks later I awoke only to realize that I had been dreaming the entire time. The doctors said my roommate accidentally hit me in the head with a bat while I was sleeping which caused me to drift into a coma. As I came to my senses I jumped up and shouted, “So it was all a dream?!”

“Technically it was a dream, but to you it all felt real.” replied the doctor.

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