Becoming a Hollywood Role Model

March 31, 2008
By Sarah Torp, Palatine, IL

What is a Hollywood role model, exactly? A Hollywood role model is a celebrity who people look up to. You must go through a tedious process to become a Hollywood role model. You need to achieve four levels: building an outstanding reputation, gaining fame in a positive manner, establishing red carpet poise, and topping the A-list. By completing these four levels with intelligence and class, you will become one of Hollywood’s elite role models that Americans emulate.
The first step in achieving your goal is building an excellent reputation for yourself. To show your class, have a child. Your child needs a minimum of three names, and two names should be nouns. After, marry a celebrity with little wealth and questionable character. This man shouldn’t be father of your child. The next step is crucial; accept the offer to do reality television. This reality show is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your intelligence and build your reputation.
The second level you must achieve is gaining fame in a positive manner. It’s essential that you engage in a public feud with another celebrity. The two of you should feud about something meaningful, such as clothing, handbags, or men. During your feud, drive while intoxicated, surpass the speed limit by at least fifty miles per hour, and get caught. Make sure you look beautiful in your mug shot because a bad picture might ruin your spotless reputation. Now it’s time for you to cheat on your spouse. Feel free to cheat with any man who will have you. After cheating, don’t apologize to your spouse; there is no need for this. Instead, buy him a gift that costs at least $100,000 dollars. You can also try to patch up the problem by purchasing a dog. Everyone should be unsure of whether it’s a puppy or a hamster. Finally, gain more positive fame by making headlines. You can dent your Mercedes by hitting a tree, steal designer clothing that you could buy hundreds of or release nude photos of yourself on the internet.
You have finally made it to level three: establishing red carpet grace and poise. Never wear underwear unless it’s absolutely necessary. At this point, you should also flip off, yell at, and break a paparazzo’s camera. These actions show immense elegance. Now you should drive while intoxicated again, but get caught with marijuana and cocaine too. Go to a rehabilitation center one day per week, and then give up after three weeks. Make it appear as though you are trying to get better.
Now you’re a celebrity role model. Because you have made it to this elite level, you should write a world-changing autobiography that explains how you made it here and host a deep talk show. So, congratulations on your celebrity role model status. It took intelligence and persistence to be the best. Don’t do anything that could jeopardize your status. Remember, everyone in America wants to be just like you, so never stop being a good role model.

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