The Substitute Teacher Field Guide

March 30, 2008
You may think that the breed of the substitute teacher; more officially recognized as substututial edualis is a strange one. And why wouldn’t you?! With their beady little eyes, and odd annunciations of first and last names it makes perfect sense that anyone would find these stand ins to be out of place, and not quite up to expectation.

Now that you have been formally introduced to the species, let’s take a closer look at the different versions of subs, and the many ways of recognizing them.

A Note of Caution: Keep in mind that only professionals should partake in the observation of these animals. When approaching a sub, do not make any sudden movements, keep eye contact, and exert a confident attitude, remember, they can smell fear.

The Preacher: This category of sub is known for there long sermons on morals and behavior. While the message they try to send is a good one, they can not seem to get it across without putting you to sleep. Diet: Tofu burgers, and Kashi cereal - no animal produced products. Can usually be found at public meetings where the predominant concern is the youth of today.

The Frog: Not much is known about this species considering it was only recently discovered. No one knows where it originated but there have been some suggestions that this form of sub is not really human at all but rather a science experiment gone wrong. This theory is based on their amazing resemblance to a toad, and their occasional tongue spasms as they reach for an invisible fly. Diet: Chocolate covered ants, and other foods officially considered taboo. Can usually be found, on benches next to man made water features.

The Method Actor: This form of sub is constantly coming up with some new method of teaching that usually ends in disaster. Whether its inventive yoga poses designed to reinforce stamina, or singing aloud the preamble of the Constitution to the tune of a random Bob Dylan song. Diet: Tall decaf mocha latte with a spurt of 1% whipped cream. Can usually be found, in the Self Help isle of Barnes and Noble.

The Helpless Pawn: This sub is the larval stage of the Preacher sub. The mark of this sub is the sound of out of control children bombarding the chalkboard with spitballs and newly sharpened pencils. Diet: Packed lunch from home complete with a banana sandwich, but didn’t get to eat it. Can usually be found locked in the classroom closet until the janitor comes to let them out.

These are some of the most basic forms of substitute teachers. Keep in mind that not all subs are bad, and there are the rare few that actually know what they are doing; until you come across one of this nature keep your guard up so you can make a speedy detour when you see them strolling down the hall.

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