Parenting

March 19, 2008
By
Where would I ever be without my parents? Most likely I would be living on the streets, selling drugs just to survive. Throughout my seventeen years of being a daughter to two absolutely flawless parents, I have come to realize that all of their constant nagging, spying, and “I’m always right” mentality is completely necessary. When meeting all of my friend’s parents and witnessing their lack of perfect parenting skills such as my parents, I begin to feel sorry for them. It frightens me to think of the dangerous and doomed lives my friends have without the 24-7 monitoring from the watchful eyes of their parents. For this reason, I have created the idiot-proof guide for all parents on how to become perfect parents just like good, old Mr. and Mrs. Jones.
1.
Don’t spoil your child.
A good parent never spoils their child. For example, don’t give your child the luxury of taking the bus to school, no matter how far he or she has to walk. You, after all, had to walk ten miles to school everyday, in freezing, negative-ten degree weather, which was up-hill the entire way. Therefore, you should not pamper your child with such fancy modes of transportation.
In addition, don’t indulge your child in fashion. Five outfits, one for every school day, is all that is necessary. Have your child rotate these five outfits week-to-week. The only appropriate reasons for new clothes would be if there is a large, revealing, gaping hole in them, or if they exceed a full two sizes too small. Otherwise, money shall be spent on more practical items such as a new tool kit, or another “guaranteed-to-loose-ten-pounds-in-one-week” exercise machine.
2.
Make your child study until it hurts.
Any bad grade brought home is a direct result of being lazy. Even if your child insists that they stayed up the entire night studying, receiving anything less than an A is absolutely unacceptable. “Trying your best” is extremely overrated. If your child cannot manage to get an A, I would suggest keeping them locked in their room to study Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.
3.
Set a firm curfew.
A reasonable time for your child to be home, is when the street lights come on. After that, all the freaks and weirdoes come out. This curfew will also allow your child to be in bed by seven, which will give them a nice, healthy, eleven hours of sleep.
4.
Know where your child is at all times.
It is a good idea to call to check-in with your child every thirty minutes. If you begin to feel nervous about your child’s whereabouts, you may wish to decrease these intervals to every fifteen minutes. Also, before your child leaves the house, be sure to get a full profile of where they will be. If they will be going to another child’s house, be sure to get their name, address, phone number, blood type, police record, and their recent blood/drug test results.
5.
Constantly remind your child about how good they have it.
Don’t allow yourself to listen to any of your child’s complaints. Many times they will try to fool you that having two essays, a two-hour soccer practice, and five tests to study for in one day is stressful. We kids are obviously just kidding. We have absolutely no stresses in our lives. High school is a cake-walk. For instance, why should teens stress over planning out their entire futures when our mothers have to stay home all day cleaning, finding a good take-out menu for dinner, and watching soap operas. What a nightmare that must be!
Also, be sure to continuously remind your child of how lucky they are. The phrase, “I never had that when I was growing up,” never gets old. Don’t pay any attention to the fact that three-fourths of the things kids have today weren’t even invented back then. It doesn’t matter. Kids shouldn’t have a better childhood than their parents did, no question about it.
6.
Band together with other parents.
This step may be most important of all. Let’s say your child’s best friend isn’t allowed to go to a party. By all means, jump on the bandwagon, and do not allow your child to go either. If your boss’s sister’s kid’s friend doesn’t have an iPod, then there is no reason for your child to have one. If you see other children making their own clothes or working out in the fields all day on the news, your child should work this hard as well around the house. Dismiss the fact that this news clip was from Pakistan where they don’t have a child labor law. Your child needs to learn to work hard and be disciplined.
By following these six, easy steps, you are on a sure path to raising a tough and obedient child to gloat about. These rules are to be followed precisely, and they are not open to interpretation. While trying to enforce these rules, be sure not to take any sass from your child about any of your regulations or parenting strategies. After all, the biggest lesson to be learned from all of this is that parents always know best, and that you are never wrong.





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