Life With Lilly Riddle: Aren’t Telemarketers Fun?

March 5, 2012
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I sat down at my tiny kitchen table and bit into my ham and cheese sandwich. I started on my salad (yes I know that’s backwards) when the phone rang. I wiped my mouth and walked over to the phone. I can’t wait until I get caller ID.
A man who sounded just a bit too happy answered me. “Hello, is this Lilly Riddle?”
“Yes . . .”
“I’m Wallace Rockered and I’m from Fitzgerald’s Store and More. I was wondering if you would like to buy our newest product, Shine N’ Glow.”
“It is a cream that you will just love! It makes you face shine and glow! You can buy two bottles for three small payments of 39.99!”
“Well, I don’t-“
“But wait, there’s more!” the man’s annoying voice rang through the phone. “If you order right now then we’ll throw in the Shine N’ Glow carrying case! So, what do you think? Is Shine N’ Glow right for you?”
“Well, I don’t know . . . one time I bought one of your products and it made me break out in hives . . . “
“Get this! There are practically no side effects! The only side effects Shine N’ Glow has are possible swollen face, possible nose bleeds, possible life threatening injuries to liver if used more than once a week, and possible hearing loss if used too close to ears. But that’s it! You won’t have to worry about breaking out into hives!” The man’s chipper voice was getting on my nerves.
My mouth hung open. “Uh, I don’t think I’ll buy it.”
“Okay and will you do a survey on why not?”
“Umm, I think it’s kind of obvious why not, and I really don’t have time-“
“Name two reasons why you won’t buy Shine N’ Glow.”
I sighed impatiently. “I said-“
“Now name five reasons why you would buy Shine N’ Glow.”
“I’m not buying your stupid-“
“Name one way we could improve Shine N’ Glow.”
“Thank you! Because you took our survey, we’ll be sending you one Junior Shine N’ Glow for free!”
I banged my head against the wall and hung up the phone. I shuffled back over to the table and started eating again. I took one bite when the phone rang again. I grumbled and walked back over to the phone. What are the chances it’s another telemarketer?
“Yes, hello. This is Rhonda Michael from Fitzgerald’s Store and More and I was wondering if you would like to buy our newest product, Shine N’ Glow.”
I banged my head against the wall again. “You guys just called me. I don’t want-“
“This is a cream you will just love! It will make your face feel as soft as a bird’s feather and-“
“I DON’T WANT SHINE N’ GLOW!” I slammed the phone back on the receiver.
Just then my phone rang again. My face twisted in frustration. I jerked the phone off the hook and yelled, “I don’t want your stupid product and I don’t want any free samples!!”
The line was silent. Good, I finally got my message across. I smiled.
“Lilly? It’s Hope . . . I only wanted to tell you that I have a new job . . .”
“Oh, Hope! I’m sorry! There are just some annoying people that won’t stop calling me. Anyway, that’s great! What’s the job?”
Hope’s voice was full of enthusiasm. “Oh, it’s for this cool company called Fitzgerald’s Store and More! And guess what product I’m selling!” Hope let out a little squeal. “Shine N’ Glow! Can I do a trial run on you?”


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