Back in Unwanted Time

March 12, 2008
By Katherina Pedercini, Chester, NJ

I’m here. Good, I need to get out of this damn McDonald smelling cab. I need to light up too.

“Thank you sir very much.”

“No problemo miss and my sincerest condolences.”

“Thank you.”
Sincerest condolences? Heh-heh not needed. If only he knew, if only everyone weren’t so blind. It’s nippy out here, the sky is grey, nothing different I guess. My ankles are breaking under the pressure from these shoes and my knees’ knocking together doesn’t help either! Well, I do need the inches from these heels. Yep, perfect day for this lovely occasion.

I took a long drag from my cigarette, watching as the exhaled smoke formed beautiful, intricate designs in the wind as my hair, acting like a net, caught some whiffs.

“Much better...”

What a quaint town, okay let’s see this is Jansen St. so the place should be two blocks over. Whoa! Nice school, guess it must’ve grown. I knew a girl who loved everyday in that place; I guess she treated it as an escape. She’s gone now; guess the country thing never really worked for her. ...Yeah, I’m definitely not sleeping over in this shitty, memory filled town. I need to get back to my apartment in New York City ASAP! Here’s the place, there’s talking already inside, so my attempts to arrive early and set a good example failed. Well, at least I gave them what they’re expecting. Now where’s my, ugh this trench coat has so many friggin’ pockets I can’t keep up. Got it, couple of coats of gloss and I’m good. Mm...Cherry? I forgot I bought this flavor. Okay on the count of 3, 1, 2 –

I opened the heavy oak doors to the huge grey stoned building that seemed too familiar in younger days, a landmark passed by almost everyday. Yet, now everything was so unfamiliar and cold. Welcome back to Medieval times much? *Sigh*
Depressing, so much black. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn my golden wedge sandals, purple skirt and white laced top. At least it’s a royal purple and I have lace like the old ladies. But still, too late now. Well mourning through color isn’t exactly my idea of giving respect anyway. Not that any of my respect exists around here. Oh look, joy, social time! Besides, why is he here? I think my love existed once with him, or at least something existed with him and a girl I knew back then. His lovely eyes, his strong arms and oh look... his wife.

“Hello Jacqueline. I’m so sorry.”

“For wha-Thanks, I appreciate it.”
It wasn’t the right place or time to bring up that talk anyway. He hugged me and surprising myself I hugged him back letting my raspy, smoky smell engulf him.

“Thought you quit.”

“Don’t we all think a lot of things?”
Back off and get your sl**tish wife away from me. My anxiety started to grow as I let out a relieving sigh as they walked away.
Where’s my gloss again?

Alright, now all I have to do is walk up, look down at that face, that face of understanding and passion...I hate it. Yeah, that’s right, everyone get quiet and watch for entertainment. They watch as if it’s not even possible for me to be in existence or capable for me to walk forward at all! I took three steps back. Realizing I almost expected those piercing eyes to awake and command me back to the closet.

Okay, I think it’s time for me to go. Besides, I did more than what was expected of me. I’ll just go back to the comforts of my apartment and send flowers or sympathy crap or something. Alright, deep breaths, calm down, by tomorrow, six feet under it goes.

“Jacqueline?! How are you baby girl?!”
Damn it...

“Fine, just a little down.”

“Aw, yeah sweetie, it’ll be okay.”

“I hope.”
There always was an awkward silence with this woman.

“I need a cig.”


“Thank you. I’m sure it’ll be okay, it just takes time.”

“Yes, everything will be okay dear, you’ll see.”
Of course it will be okay. That’s what everyone kept telling me thirteen years ago. What is it with this world and being okay? Like, is it suppose to be comforting words or somethin’?

A sudden urge to scream at this figure standing in front of me to leave me alone grew. Instead, I accepted her offer for a hug and I quickly escaped to the furthest corner of the room, hiding in the shadow of the corner. As I glanced around the sea of black fleece, silk and cotton I shuddered in the thought of this undeserved and ignorant respect. So many liars in this place!

I stood there for what seemed forever, letting my nicotine rush dance throughout my whole body, twinkling at the tips of my pale, navy polished fingers. Then I saw it, the one person that caused my heart to want to explode out of its cage but instead it quickly shriveled up like a raisin in the sun. That face that use to be so close and now so distant.

“Hello Jackie.”

The voice, which was straining to sound familiar, irritated my ears.
The 60 year old petite woman abruptly tangled her arms around me before I could resist. After about 2 seconds she leaned into my ear and whispered...

“Thanks for coming. Your father would’ve appreciated this a lot.”
I stood there paralyzed, arms tensed at my sides, mouth sewn closed.
Yeah, I’m sure...

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