Forgetten Memories

March 10, 2008
She remembers nothing about her life before she met me.

My best friend and roommate only knows her name because she kept her important documents. She doesn't know if she has family, former friends, or ex-boyfriends somewhere. She just knows that she doesn't remember, but I sometimes wonder if her memory's really the one to blame. She's very intelligent; she didn't forget her knowledge. She doesn't how she knows, but she knows so much. She's forgotten nothing since I met her two years ago, and that's why I think she forced herself to forget.

She could tell me that the song I had playing on my laptop the day she moved in was "Simple and Clean" (the Kingdom Hearts song) and that I was wearing a plain blue spagetti strap shirt and shorts. She can recall that I've worn that shirt exactly 37 times since to this day, and the last time she heard that song was on my cousin's myspace. She could easily say that she's broken 6 hairbrushes since I met her, 4 of which were blue. With confidence, she can state that we went to the mall for the 38th time on March 2nd this year, and we listened to Paramore's "All We Know is Falling" CD on the way. There's just no way she forgot everything, and the doctors don't think she has amnesia.

I think some part of her (maybe her sub-concious mind) remembers. She'll wake up sobbing incontrollably into her pillow some nights, and it takes her hours to stop. Other nights, she'll wake up screaming from a nightmare (I think they're surpressed memories) she can't remember, and she has a difficult time realizing it wasn't real. She says it's the feelings the nightmares give her that cause her to lose control. She says she'll get this feeling of complete loneliness and betrayal sometimes. Other times, she says she gets this feeling of complete fear; it makes her very soul feel afraid, and she's never known fear like this.

I have to wonder what happened to her. She's usually so strong; she's never bothered by what others think of her or what they say. What could cause her to break? It must have been horrible if she did force herself to forget. Forgetting, in this case, would be running away. I've never known her to run away; I'm the one who does that. In some way, it makes me afraid. What if it happened to me? Would I go insane with the weight of whatever it was?

I'll never know what I'd do, I guess, unless it happened to me. I just hope it doesn't. I hope I can help her face whatever happened in the past, but I have a feeling she'll never let herself remember.

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