Alphabet Soup

February 15, 2012
I didn't want to be a destroyer of relationships. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It wasn't my intention. I didn’t even want to go to the party. I didn’t know what I was doing, I was drunk. Okay, maybe a little part of me knew what I was doing and what was happening but I didn’t stop it. Why? I don’t know, I don’t think I’ll ever know. On top of that I can’t really remember what happened, I mostly just remember waking up in a bed-and who’s bed is it? My best friend, Mina’s bed, oh boy- next to a nude Aaron, Mina’s boyfriend. Or I should say ex since it was in her room that she walked in while a topless me was frantically looking under the bed for my shirt while Aaron was still sleeping. Some words were exchanged, along with some violence but that’s all over with and I don’t want to get into details, it’s all too unpleasant for me to think about. But worst of all, is that I will never forget about this night. I will always have a reminder. Proof that this night happened is the little baby growing inside me.

The colorful lights sparkle all around me and little kids run about holding multicolored candy canes squealing with joy. I wish I could be happy during this time of year. I wish I could stop thinking about that night. Why did Carter drag me to the Winter Wonderland city festival? Carter is my closest friend, or perhaps my only friend. He stuck with me through everything and with out him I probably would have killed myself. The truth is I love him. “Remind me again, why are we here?” I ask. Everyone from school is here and their eyes are like lasers on my bulging stomach, I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and cry my problems away. “Because Ashlee, you need to get out of the house!” Carter replies stopping us in our tracks. “What is it?” I question. Carter smiles, one of those smiles that reach all the way up to his vibrant green eyes and light up his face. “Mistletoe.” He states. My head shoots up and sure enough there’s a little red and green mistletoe hanging above us. “You know what that means.” He laughs, pulling me towards him. I loop one arm around his neck and rest the other across the top of my protruding belly, while his hands wrap around my back. Our lips lock but it’s only for a second. Although that second felt like forever. I can only think about the way his lips feel soft against mine, the way our kiss melts together, and the way he gently rubs my aching back with his hands. When he kisses me I forget about everything and nothing matters but us, together. He pulls away a little and unwraps an arm from around me and places the hand of the free arm on my belly. “I felt the baby kick!” he says, his eyes crinkling at the edges. Now are foreheads are touching. I stare into his big green eyes and he stares back grinning at me and rubbing my stomach. When we separate he grabs my hand and starts pulling me through the crowd and past all the vendors. “Where are we going?” I ask, half stumbling and half wobbling along after him. “To sit down of course, you’re a pregnant woman now, it’s better if you sit down.” He exclaims wildly. I roll my eyes at him, but place my free hand over my big rounded stomach; it’s become quite a habit lately. I’m always thinking about the baby now and what happened. Aaron denied it was his baby when he found out and moved away. I don’t know where he moved to. A lot of people think I should give it up for adoption once it’s born but I can’t help but not wanting to. “Shouldn’t we get something to eat first?” I ask, my breath forming little visible puffs in the frigid winter air. “Nope, I brought something for us to eat.” He says as we reach a little black metal table with two black chairs. Carter pull’s out a chair for me as I sit down and then sets a big red thermos on the table. “What did you bring to eat?” I ask, hungrily. “It’s a secret!” he says giddily. “Now I’ll be right back, I just have to go find some bowl’s from one of the vendors!” He says taking off towards the crowded rows of vendors, selling all different kinds of food. I pick at the sleeves of my lavender colored sweater. I’m kind of nervous; it’s the first time I’ve been out in awhile. All the trees in the vicinity are decorated with lights and a plump little Santa is walking around, giving hugs and talking to little kids. There’s an old wooden bench a few yards away where a couple is making out, the girl straddling the guy, I want to puke when I see the girls face. Maybe it’s because of the pregnancy or because the girl’s face turns out to be Mina’s. I feel so sick now, what’s taking Carter so long? As if by magic there he is walking up to the table. “Back!” He say’s setting a bowl on the table. I forget about Mina now and think only of Carter, my baby, and me. “One bowl only? What about you?” I question. “Don’t worry about me! Your pregnant you need all the food you can get; besides we can share!” He smiles his lopsided smile that makes my heart melt. “I was thinking, I want to help you take care of your baby, I love you and I want to help raise your child, before you reply eat!” Carter says his face warm but serious looking. I smile the first genuine smile I’ve had in a long time and tears well up in my eyes and run down my face. He unscrews the cap from the big red thermos and pours it’s contents into the bowl. Inside the white plastic bowl is steaming hot alphabet soup.

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