Amber ville Horror

February 18, 2008
By Adam Klage, Kalamazoo, MI

I was walking down the street to Richland Middle School, I past the Amber Ville house,The house was a bright red with shattered windows, and rotted pillars holding up the house. Then a shrieking laugh came out of the house. That laugh! I knew it from somewhere. The house used to belong to Mrs. Amber ville. Some say she was a witch that casted spells, some say she was a warlock that jumped out at people and scared the stuff out of them, some say she was a cannibal that ate them from head to toe.

She still made the best coffee cake ever. Today the smell seemed different, it seemed more lively! I needed that coffee cake.

The lunch bell rang and everybody ran to the lunch room. I (Joseph Atkins) got my lunch and rushed to the table I sat at. I popped a squat by my best friend Jimmy Amber, Jimmy was a red head, tall and lanky, with those dimples on his cheeks that girls thought were so cute. I thought he was pretty handsome myself. We ate in silence for about two minutes and said, “Dude, I need to go to the Amber ville house to get the famous coffee cake.”
Jimmy broke out laughing like a elephant blowing his trunk, his white gleaming teeth peaking out of his mouth. His laugh was really obnoxious. He stopped and said, “ Oh wait, were you serious?”
I replied, “Of course I was serious, you stupid head!!”
“I need that cake right now! You don't even know.”
I sat through the rest of the hours and thought about the savory smell of that coffee cake. Then the final bell rang. I dashed out without all of my stuff, I ran to the cake!

I trotted up to the house, gave the door a slight tap. Then I did an even more harder tap, still nobody answered. Then with all of my might, I wound my foot up and FBI'ed it. I walked into the house with that I'm-so-cool strut. I could taste the lunch from that day, I could feel the cold fall breeze on my skin, I touched the warm blood on the shattered window, I could smell that scrumptious smell of coffee cake.
I walked a couple of steps then it hit me like a parked car or a parked car that seemed like it was still going. My vision went all blurry, I started seeing stars that were twirling around my eyes. I woke up to the dark cellar that you see in the medieval movies. I felt so far away from the real world, so far away it was like I was in Jupiter. I opened my eyes to the sight of the tall lanky red head, who I thought I knew since kindergarten. I thought back to all of those times in the sand box, all those times we got into fights about who was a better super hero, all those times we just played at my house. Then I figured out the person I most trusted turned out to be a back stabbing freak who's mom who is a cannibal, witch, or a warlock. My thoughts got broken up by Jimmy's husky voice, “You imbesal! What are you doing in my house?”
I started my answer then Jimmy intervened and said “Notorical question, pal.”
I thought out loud, “Your house?”
Jimmy furiously spoke out “Yes my house, you fool!”

“My name is James Amber ville the VIII!”
That laugh that was so ear piercing broke out louder than ever, it sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
I thought Man oh man, how the heck could I be so stupid.
Then Jimmy started rambling on about how it's “his house” now and all of that junk nobody wants to listen to.
I thought so hard that I felt like Jimmy Neutron. Then it came to me, the pocketknife I brought just in case!! I cut one rope discreetly, so I could throw the knife.
I said, “It's over, you filthy little snake!”
I wound up and threw that knife as hard as I could, it hit him smack dab in the middle of his chest!

I found a way out of the cell. I bent down and said to myself I got to get this cake! I just flat out started sprinting, sprinting like Carl Lewis dodging and weaving for nothing. I got to the kitchen and I threw up at the sight I just saw. It was James! His face was demented in a sunshine yellow color he turned into a mutant! He said, “Buddy it's never over for me! It's over for you.”
Those were the last words I ever heard from my so told best friend.
He took the knife by the cake and said, “Any last words ,chump?”
I said nothing and took it like a man, until I lied in the grass saying to myself I am dead over and over again.

I was walking down the street to Richland Middle school. I smelled the coffee cake smell and thought I will never go there again.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Sep. 10 2010 at 9:56 pm
Revriley BRONZE, Bethesda, Maryland
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
A man said to the universe:
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation." ---Stephen Crane


I think this story has potential, but there are a few things that I feel should be brought to your attention.

First of all, the whole reason for Joseph going to the rotting house is...hard to believe.  He wanted coffee cake?  That part also was strange.  Some say 'she was', implying she is dead, but then you say "She still made the best coffee cake ever".  So, did she move?  How come Joseph can smell the coffee cake if she doesn't live there anymore?

Your sentences should be smoother, and you shouldn't rush your story.  It's like you're giving a play by play, a summary.  "Then I figured out the person I most trusted turned out to be a back stabbing freak who's mom who is a cannibal, witch, or a warlock."  Describe what he's feeling instead of telling it.  (Also, don't have so many titles for his mom~witch and warlock are almost the same.  Also, it's: WHOSE mom IS, not WHO'S mom who is)

At the end, it's confusing.  If he died, how come he's walking down the street to the middle school?  Is he a ghost?

These cover the basic problems: Show, not tell...and work out the kinks in your plot.  

Please don't become upset at this advice~I'm just trying to help.   Again, your story has potential.  You just have to flesh it out. 


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