Too Late

February 16, 2012
By , Inverness, IL
The blood; it was right there, right under my skin. I could see it. How much longer am I going to have to wait until I actually have the guts to do it? The safe answer is forever, but we all know that’s not the correct answer. One day, he’s going to take things too far. One day, she’s going to stab me in the back one too many times. When I imagine myself in the future, I don’t see any of these people. They mean absolutely nothing to me; yet, they are the reason I finish the day. Where would I be without these people? How long until I’m able to stand up on my own and walk away? I can be successful; I have a bright future. It’s like I have this anchor that’s holding me back from these opportunities. These doors can only be open for so long, and then just as you’re taking a step inside, they slam the door right in your face.

I live a stereotypical normal lifestyle. I’ve got family and friends and even two dogs. My house is nothing to scoff at either. Schoolwork is a top priority of mine, and as a result of that, I’ve never gotten a B . . . Until this year. B’s are absolutely unacceptable according to my parents. No matter how much I try, or how much help I get, I’m obviously not trying hard enough because I’ve still got that B. Let me tell you something, I’m trying. I really am, but my parents can’t see that. They never will.

I guess you could say I’m more of a social person. I have friends, sure, but definitely not a clique. Those are different. Throughout high school, many people have that one “group” that tends to be there for them in their toughest times and stick with them through anything and everything; I don’t have that, I never have. I’m friends with the jocks, druggies, cheerleaders, football team, baseball team, soccer team, and any other team you can think of. None of these people know who I really am. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe it’s time I made the first move, took a huge step, and decided to trust someone. Why? Nobody cares anyways. Whenever I’m so close to taking that chance and believing that someone actually might care about me, I think back to the one and only time I’ve ever gotten close with anybody. I cried myself to sleep night after night not accepting the fact that the only person I’ve ever trusted left me. Not even an explanation, just gone. Probably because they can’t stand to be with someone who is as screwed up as I am, someone with actual problems instead of just the ordinary high school drama. I’m not normal, and nobody can accept that. Nobody ever will.

Sometimes I wish that I could just remove all feeling and emotion from within me. Why do I feel so awful all the time? I wake up in the morning unsure of what I feel or what’s going to ruin my day that day. My emotions overpower my thoughts. As much as I try and convince myself that I’m okay, nothing’s going to change how terrible and lonely I feel. So here I go, about to relieve my emotional pain. Try to take my mind off of everything and convince myself that the physical pain is easier because mentally, it’s literally tearing me apart. Anything is better than feeling like this. Here I go . . . I can’t do it.





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