February 3, 2012
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Why me? Why’d I do it? I used to be the smart sweet girl who everyone loved. Innocent pure free, now look. You still see happy, but then you look deep down into my inner core. It’s a whole different story. Inside I burn. The addiction controls me. I can’t stop it! It started so innocent, oh so innocent as a kid I sometimes dug nails into my wrist. It was because of the abuse. He hit me. He pushed me. He pulled my hair. He put bruises on my body and made me lie. He made me say I tripped and fell. I hated the lies. That what consumed my life lies, ALL LIES! When we went out to eat they made me lie about my age. They made me lie about who caused the abuse. I caught myself calling my grandma the one who did. I saw her drip like the blood I now spilled. That is when I did it for the first time. I did it to punish myself, to escape the lie. After that every time he’d yell I’d do it, so I wouldn’t cry and get hurt worse. It became an escape
When I entered middle school I did it to dim the peer pressure and bullies voices. In high school it got heavier. I entered a deep depression and almost bleed from the marks. I went through it several times now I’m a full scale cutter. I bleed.

The blade cuts through my skin like butter. I can’t stop now. Is it too late me? Is it? How do I do this? Only one other knows my fiancé. Wait what he will do when I said I did it again. I tried. I did, I tried hard. Yet I failed. Now I sit crying, not knowing what to do. I know it is hard to stop, impossible really. I know it’s changing me for the worse. How do I stop?
Why me? Why’d I do it? Why did I let myself fall………
I’m crumbling in my wretched skin that holds heinous secrets. I’m scared. I’m a failure and I’m lost. Will there addiction kill me?

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