Pain Unmasked

January 14, 2012
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Once upon a time there was a Senior , her name was Jessie, she was in love. Through the halls of school Jessie pined for Castiel. He was her every thought ,she just wished that he would think of her. They had known each other since freshman year. They had been in the same school together since they were children. Sadly they were friends, just friends. She first really took notice him in sophmore year, they had a lot classes together but that is not what truly led them to their fated meeting.

The first time that they truly noticed each other was in physics. At the beginning of the year they were oblivious to each other. Both of them had no friends in this particular class so they both sat alone. Sitting alone did not bother Jessie but she preferred to sit next to someone. If she sat next to someone then she could tell them her life story, no really ,she kinda did that when she sat next to people. It was no that she was self absorbed , but Jessie had a lot of thoughts that ran through her head all at once. She liked to pour out her ideas at the closest human being, when there wasn’t anyone around ,she did the next best thing, she talked to herself.

So they were both alone in physics class, but as most people know, you can’t stay alone in a science class because partners are required a lot. Castiel and Jessie were left out of all the groups so they were left to partner up. At first Jessie was a little hesitant because she couldn’t seem to hang out with boys. There was something about it that made her awkward and quiet, which was not a characteristic of Jessie’s. So when Castiel and Jessie got together they did not talk except to do their work. While they were doing their work they found that it was just easier to sit together, and that was the beginning of Jessie’s problem.

After being together on the projects and working together Jessie got comfortable with Castiel. She found that he was a smart kid with a sense of humour. He was quiet but that made it easy for Jess to tell him things.Once Jessie got to know Castiel she couldn’t help but to throw ideas at him. She just had to tell him the jokes that popped into her head. When something reminded Jessie about anything she shared it with Castiel. Quickly Jessie became friends with Castiel. She found herself to be happier when she was near him. She never stopped smiling when he was in the room. Castiel seemed to smile more when she was around too but she thought he was just being nice. While she babbled on and on he would sit quietly and listen. Sometimes Jessie wondered if he ever even paid attention to her talking. She wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t ,or that’s whats she told herself, she was used to people ignoring her. She was wondering this on the day that he proved he was listening.

Months ago jessie was doodling on her notes when Castiel looked over. Jessie had doodled a comic of people being attacked by a shark but it looked a little like a dolphin so Castiel teases her about it. He says “are you sure that’s a shark it looks more like a shark /dolphin?” and then Jessie smiles and replies “ maybe its a sholphin”. Then when Jessie was wondering if he ever really listened to her babbling ,he said I was looking through my old toys the other day for project materials. and I found a sholphin. At that moment he truly stole Jessie’s heart.

Years of high school flitted past, and soon it was senior year. Jessie was still in love with Castiel, but she never found out if he loved her back. She could feel her heart breaking. Every time she saw him smile at Katty she wished she wasn’t at school so she could cry. It was not that they were dating but Katty had a crush on Castiel and they always hung out together. If he liked anyone it would be Katty. The worst part was that she never saw him anymore. They never had classes together and they had different lunch periods. Even Jessie’s other friends weren’t in classes with her. She felt isolated and alone.

As the year progressed things got worse for Jessie. One of the worst being her soccer team. She had tried so hard to make it to varsity, and she did, at least she made it onto the roster. The problem was that she just wasn’t as good as the other girls. In order to get playing time she had to play on junior varsity, that was alright, but for the homecoming game. All of her years playing she had dreamed of playing in the homecoming game. She just wanted her friends and classmates to see her play. She was a senior, she just wanted this one time to be able to play with the other seniors. All through the game she sat there, she hoped, and she hoped, and she hoped. As she watched the time tick down she started to realize she wouldn’t go in but still her foolish heart wouldn’t give up hope. To the last minute she hoped to play, just a little, she didn’t care if it was just a minute but then there was the buzzer. She didn’t give up hope until that sound, then she just tried to stay numb, and she managed it. The problem with being numb is that it is hard to stop. it is a defense mechanism, numbness. Each time you get hurt you put it up until you can’t take it down. You cannot bear the pain that comes with feeling.

The year continued but Jessie was trying to stay numb, and a lot of the time it worked.Jessie would let the happiness she felt for her soccer team’s winning streak bleed through the numbness though and then the other emotions would follow. She felt a little sadder with each game she did not play in. Jessie hated that at the end of a game she had nothing to be proud of . She also hated that she couldn’t stop feeling hopeful and then feel hurt at the end of the game. She knew that she was not a great player and that for the best of the team she had to sit out. So with these emotions battling inside her she would try on the numbness again, anything to escape the hurt.

On the year went, Jessie continued to perfect the numbness. Soon though Jessie did not care about anything at all. Senior year, a year that is supposed to be full of promise and happiness, was all wrong. She started to slip into darkness. Letting it take her soul. She had perfected the numbness, she no longer cared about everything. She told herself that she was better off this way, but deep down she knew the truth of it. This way of living was wrong, if she couldn’t enjoy life then what was the point.

She turned to darker and darker thoughts while on the outside she kept a pseudo-layer of herself, a shallow layer of false happiness. For her family and friends she smiled. She laughed. She continued on through life, doing homework, sports, singing, all the things she used to care about. This act that she put on was so phenomenal that no one could see the real her, or maybe they just didn’t want to see it.

Towards the spring Jessie’s mother had a bad feeling about something. She couldn’t figure out what it was though so she let it be. All weekend she left it alone until she realized that she hadn’t seen Jessie all weekend. This in itself was not all that unusual, lately Jessie kept to her room, she barely came out on the weekends. The fact that Jessie’s mom had a bad feeling is what really worried her. In the depth of her very soul she felt something was wrong, maybe it had been for a while. Jessie’s mom walked towards Jessie’s room, cautiously, and when she got there she put out her shaking hand and opened the door. She felt the cold of the metal seep into her fingers and shivered. In increments she opened the door.

What Jessie’s mom saw was not alarming, it did not seem all that bad. Jessie appeared to be asleep on her bed. She looked happier than she had in a long time. Then slowly the paleness of Jessie’s skin registered. The lack of the rise and fall of her chest created a rising terror in Jessie’s mom.

Barely moving at all, she crossed the room, approaching the bed. All the while nervously laughing at herself in her head. Jessie isn’t dead that’s ridiculous, she is a happy and healthy girl. When she was finally standing over Jessie she saw a crisp white sheet of paper, uncrinkled, perfect writing scrawled across each neat line. It was laying there next to Jessie’s corpse, that is what it was. Her mother knew Immediately when she saw the paper. Then she looked around and spotted it, the image of suicide, the empty yellow bottle turned on its side. Even in death Jessie didn’t fail to be picture perfect.

With no sensation left in her hands Jessie’s mom picked up the paper. So perfect, so beautiful, just like her daughter. Her eyes flicked through the lines eager for the last words she would read from her wordsmith of a daughter.
To whomever, if anyone, cares to know,

I find that questions left unanswered can break people’s hearts. In my case that was so. I feel that you deserve to know the reasoning .Too many questions, and doubts were tossed through my head. Too much pain was carried in my heart. Too much hope to survive. I know I am young but I thought about what would do with my life and found I had no thoughts on the matter, that in itself was enough for me. I had so many thoughts all of my life, on everything, on nothing. I knew that if I had no thoughts for a future than that meant there would be nothing for me. Therefore I decided to not waste time. If I was to amount to nothing than this was how it always was fated to be.I disappointed myself and if I disappointed myself then there was no question of the disappointment I caused others. I felt everyone’s disinterest in my life. I know you didn’t have endless time to waste on someone who didn’t matter so I wanted to do what was best for all. I tried to find something to excel at, honestly I did. I tried sports, but failed. Music followed sports but ended the same. School was the same I was good but never the best at anything. Maybe I was born to make others feel better about their talents, I know I never found one in myself. I remember looking in the mirror wishing , just wishing for something to give me meaning, maybe that was the problem. I didn’t look hard enough. On the surface I was ugly, even inside I was nothing special. I had a gross laugh, an average face, I was smart but no genius, I was too clumsy to do dance, too normal to be dramatic, everything I was was imperfect. That was a true torment of mine. To admire and love dancers, singers, actors, authors, scientists, but to never be good enough to be but a poor empty echo of the greats. I could not live with that. I also could not bear the pain of being so un-loveable. To feel so strongly of Castiel and never feel the warmth of his love. To be left behind by friends and to be alone was what really killed me. Although you did not know I was already dead long before this, so do not mourn me. My body , a shell of who I was, a sad mockery of the Jessie you knew best , was all that was left. My soul had perished much earlier. To just keep going on with life when everything else has been lost was never something I could handle. So if this causes grief for you I am truly sorry but my pain was too great. I assume that at this moment I am in a much better place I am not afraid, in fact I feel, the stirrings of a long past forgotten emotion, hope. In the end that emotion was my downfall but all is forgiven and I will embrace this hope of a better place. There are no hard feelings between me and hope. So although this is the last you will hear of me do not think of unhappy things, have hope.

Your broken and lost ,


Tears streaming down her face Jessie’s mom sets the letter back down on the bed. The last words of Jessie having been read.

The next day came and life went on as it always does but the world seemed a shade darker. Although school went on hers felt a little colder. You see hardly a person at her school disliked her. She was kind and compassionate towards others. She was respectful and helpful to adults. Her smile given to complete strangers was a beam of light into dark hearts. Without Jessie at school it was not the same. Everyone mourned her lost.

Castiel went to school unknowing what had transpired the day before. When he got to school there were Jessie’s friends, crying. He asked them why they were upset and they told him. The awful truth was told and with it a part of him died. Jessie, the most wonderful girl was gone. She would never say hi to him with that cute goofy grin ever again. He would never hear that loud and amazing laugh fill the room again. The most beautiful face in the world was gone. The most talented girl was gone. She was gone and he couldn’t even say goodbye. He could never tell her now. He would never feel her enthusiasm rush into him and make him giddy. All that wonderful, amazing, beauty gone from this world. She would never know that he loved her. All that love that he did not share would waste away.

If he had only known ,he could have saved her, she would have gone on to do world changing things. She would have saved so many people, she could have she had already been... the best thing in this world.

And thus ends the story of Jessie, she never knew, but she was the girl that changed my life. After her story ended more people shared their stories of her, how she had saved or changed their lives for the better. Not one person who went to our school was worse for knowing Jessie.

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