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Decisions

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“What’s going on, mom?” I say.
“Nothing, same old stuff, you know how it goes.” Mom replies, her hands start to shake with anger.
“This is so stupid, mom. We need to get out of here.”
“I know, but first I need to find a job before we go anywhere.”
I let out a sigh of impatience.

Entry # 8: I am so fed up with this. I am tired of hearing him say the most degrateful things to her, and her just putting up with it, when she and I both know it isn’t right. I look at her. She has lit up a cigarette, and is hitting it as if she is trying to get her pain out. I always think that when you really love someone, you can’t just up and leave. As much as you may want to, it is just not physically possible. Same applies to my mom. They have always stayed in touch, even when my mom was married to my dad, and Ray was married to his son’s mother. I can remember when he would be over when my dad was at work. He was introduced as “mom’s good friend”. We had to sneak around to meet him, and go out to dinner.
But that was in the past.
I tell her that when something like this happens, an argument like this, you see who the real person is; the true colors of a person.
I hate to see her cry, and when they really fight, she hibernates in her room for days on end. She calls Maria, and I am guessing Maria tries and help but it’s like none of us know the right thing to say to her.
Entry #9: It would be so much better if her and I moved out of here. We would be so much more happier. We are so miserable here. We walk around, not talking to one another, like we don’t even know each other. It is so bad. Any chance I have to leave the house with any one of my friends, I jump on it in a minute.

Later on that night, I was in the kitchen, getting a bowl of cereal and you’ll never guess what they were doing. They are arguing again, of course. Surprising, I know. It was about the kitchen this time and how it’s dirty, and how there are dishes in the sink. Yet it’s his house, and me and my mom are the pretty much the only ones that keep it clean.
When we first moved up here, it was all going good. Everyone was happy, I started school up here. I, my brother, and my mom were all going to start over. Lately, though, it’s been complete and utter hell. I would have never thought it would be this bad. NEVER.

When it is just her and I, she is as happy as can be. Laughing, smiling. We have such a good time when it is just me and her. When HE comes into the picture, the atmosphere changes immediately. We get quiet, no one wants to talk, there’s that awkward silence, it just isn’t comfortable.

Entry #10: Well, today wasn’t so bad. My boyfriend, Steven has helped me get my mind off of it a little bit. He is so amazing. He makes me feel like I am actually worth something, even though deep down I do not think I am. He tells me how amazing I am, and how much he loves me. It makes me feel so good that he tells me these things and actually means them. I can definitely see myself with him in the long haul.
Entry #11: I am thinking about that one night in the car. My mom said we were just going to return some movies and get some food. I do not like going anywhere with him in the first place, but I didn’t think too much of it. He was talking to me about school, trying to make small talk. And then it happened. He says, “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here for you.” And he touched my thigh!!! Automatically I panicked. My body froze completely. He probably didn’t think anything of it, because he is just weird and creepy and twisted like that. I think about that night every single day. There is no way I can tell my mom though. Oh my gosh, she would freak out and probably kill him for doing what he did to me!! As much as I want to tell her, I just cannot bring myself to say the words. Maybe when I am older, a lot older, I will but not now. I wonder if he thinks of that night too. Probably not. I just want to scream at him, and ask him what made him do such a thing. But I keep my mouth shut. :
[flashback experiment] I miss my daddy. I wish him and my mom never got divorced. There was so much negativity growing up, but I, personally, think he is great. His actions in themselves may not be all that great, but as a person, he is so fun to be around. He makes me laugh whenever I am around him, he makes me safe. I can remember him and I going to the park on our bikes. It was our little thing. We would ride up and down the streets in the summertime, and then go to the park for a little bit. I remember he would push me so high, and I remember getting butterflies coming back down. Then we would go home, and he would barbeque for dinner. He always did make amazing barbeque.
I hate to hear my mom talk bad about him. I am wondering if I should tell my mom about what Ray did.

[Explode a moment experiment]
[dialogue]
“I want to ask you something, mom.” I sit on the loveseat, with her in her usual spot, on the couch, next to the end table with the lamp on top of it.
“Well, since you aren’t moving out, I was wondering if it would be cool if I moved out in stead and moved in with Steven.”
Moment of truth.
Silence.
“Well, why do you want to move out?”
“Because I honestly cannot take it here anymore, mom.”
“What is so bad here that you cannot take it, Miranda?”
“Mom, you don’t understand. I am so uncomfortable here. I hate to be around him. He makes me uncomfortable. I just want to leave. I’ll be out of school in June, I have a job.”
She looked at me, then looked away.
“ It isn’t that bad here, Miranda.”
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?, I was thinking to myself. I was getting so mad.
I looked her straight in the face.
“yeah, it really is though, mom. Remember that one night that me and him went out and got food? Yeah, well, he touched me.. I think of that night every day, mom. You have no idea how that affects a person.” At that point, I just broke down and started to cry.
My mom was speechless. The look on her face I will never forget. I think it was a mix between wanting to cry and wanting to find Ray and do God knows what. I couldn’t take it any longer. I went to my room, closed the door and blasted my music.
Later that night, she came in my room.
“I am so sorry that happened to you, Miranda. Why did you wait until now to tell me?”
“Because I was petrified on how you were going to react to it.”
We sat on my bed and talked about it for the rest of the night. We cried, we tried to laugh, but we mostly cried.
Entry #12: Well, I finally told my mom. She didn’t take it too well. She cried most of the night, as I did too. We talked about it over and over again. Turns out that we ARE going to move as soon as I graduate which will be in two weeks. I am so happy we are getting out of here. I wonder what Ray is going to say when he gets home and me and my mom’s stuff is gone, and so will we. Oh well, he brought this upon himself. Go goes around comes around, my friend.
This is the last time I’ll be writing until we move. I’m going to be bus packing. I’ll start up again when we move and get settled. So long, and farewell.





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