Insignificant Lies

January 4, 2008
By Chealsye Bowley, Bradenton, FL

I'm a liar, and I'm a fraud. I will admit that, not with pride, nor with guilt, but with the simple air of honesty. You do not know how far I have come, or how far I am willing to go. It isn't you; do not credit yourself with how I turned out. I do not expect you to even begin to comprehend my speech, to even understand my syllables.

We will never be the same, and I'll take a step back. Away from the acting, absent from this play---I will not participate in this lie any longer. Nonetheless this isn't getting easier, and it should be, shouldn't it? It should. Oh, it should.

You may think of me as arrogant, naïve, cynical. Choose whichever adjective you wish. It will not leave an effect, no impact will be felt. Do what you want. You no longer have any power here.
I'm not ignorant to your actions. I'm aware of every mistake you've made, including me. Every lie I've ever told was in preparation for you, for this. They say if you do something enough you'll get it out of your system. Or you get addicted. Whichever, it's all a gamble; a game. Your life, your entire future is in your next roll. And here I am: calm and holding trick cards up my sleeve. My goal was never to elude you. I was simply experimenting. Seeing how far I could go before you saw through my schemes and my lies. I needed to see if you knew me. It's not like I didn't love you. I did, just not enough to tell you the truth.

My past, my secrets, my dreams, my aspirations, my scars are all exactly that: mine. I stutter for a reason. I clasp my hands close and my eyes go vacant all for a reason. These scars are here for a purpose, each has its own story. A story better than that of the drunken night you got your tattoo. I won't deny my nature. I lie and I'm a fake. All my faults are laid out on the table. I have to admit I don't care for being scrutinized, especially when your words will end up being ineffective. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't. That has to count for something, right?

I am not ashamed of this declaration. I am not brought down with shame by my previous actions for I have none. I'm a liar and I'm a fraud. I will admit to that, not with pride, nor with shame. This confession doesn't mean anything. This affair is senseless.
You're not strong enough to change me, far too weak to even try. This was such a pointless endeavor, and I used to put my faith in you. I had hope. Your fickle ways and your vagabond persona only served to show me the insignificance of myself. Now the only hope I have left is that I hope you got exactly what you wanted.

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