The Lack of Desire

December 5, 2011
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I ran out of the back door of my home, struggling to put on my coat. I ignored my mother, who asked where I was headed off to. I slammed the door closed and entered the black abyss that was the night. I walked and walked, trying to disregard the unbearable pain that was eating away at my insides. There were thousands of voices going through my head, telling me what the logical thing to do in this situation was. But I didn't want to be logical. I wanted the one thing that made me happy again.

Finally, I reached the pond behind my home. The moon reflected eerily off the water's surface. The silence screamed at me as I fought with the ideas running through my head. I sat down on a stump not far from the edge of the water and tried to breathe.

After a few beats, I decided that I no longer wanted to.

Breathing was uncomfortable being that he no longer was. I stared out at the body of water and tried to understand why anyone would want to take my William from me. Why taking someone else’s life for no reason was acceptable to some people. Whatever the reason, I would never be happy again.

I took a deep breath and tried to stand, but my legs weren’t letting me. While attempting to remove any thoughts from my head, I removed my coat and dropped it on the ground. The rigid chill from the night air tore at my skin, but I ignored it. I leaned over and untied my shoes slowly and carefully, focusing on each knot and loop that the laces formed. I slid my feet out, removed my socks, and placed my feet on the ground, feeling the cool dampness of the soggy leaves on the ground. I tried to take in everything around me, as this would be the last time that my eyes opened to it. I looked at the trees and watched them sway in time with the gentle breeze that rustled my jacket, lying in a ball on the ground. I bent down and picked it up, then reached for the pocket on the left.

I pulled out a crumpled photo of William, and strained to look at it in the darkness. He smiled up at me, the intensity of his green eyes drawing me toward him. Only I couldn’t go. My heart began to beat rapidly, and my façade of indifference began to fade. My vision blurred due to a wall of tears, and I fell to my knees. I cried for what seemed like forever, partially because my William was gone, and partially because my emotions were blocking me from seeing his face once more, even if it was simply in the form of an old photograph.

I rose from my seat on the ground and walked toward the pond, picture in hand. By now, I was sure the 30 pills I’d taken were about to kick in full force. My toes broke the surface of the water, and despite the bitter cold, I continued my long, relentless strides. My days with William flashed before my eyes. Our many days sprawled out on the floor near the fireplace in his bedroom played through my mind now, as I walked out further, further, further, and the water hit my waistline. I could feel his gentle fingertips pushing the hair out of my face now, as I lowered myself into the water, ignoring my uncontrollable shivering. I could smell his cologne now, as I pulled the now wet photograph of him up to where I could see it in the moonlight.

His laughter, loud and expressive, now rang through my ears as I slowly allowed my head to sink below the water. I closed my eyes and held William’s picture close to my chest. All I wanted was to be in Heaven with him, and I was determined to get there. Right away. I began to worry about what my family would say, but at that instant, my chest tightened up and staying under the water became painful. I struggled and tried to stand in the water but I lost all strength, and…

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