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Captian John S Flannigan
John Scott Flannigan was born November 3rd, 1950 in Inverness, Scotland to Scott and Julia Flannigan. Flannigan had a relatively peaceful childhood up until age 7, when his mother abruptly died of cough medicine overdose. It wasn’t really her death that affected him, moreover, the consequences that followed shortly afterwards. Scott Flannigan suffered major depressional issues, and took refuge in the world of alcohol. His father was constantly drunk, taking out his anger and sadness on Flannigan, beating him half to death on a daily basis. Flannigan didn’t look down on this practice though, as he later claimed that his father was taking advantage of something called “spirited parenting.”
At age 13, Flannigan soon discovered that his father had an affair back when Julia Flannigan was among the living, resulting in an introduction to his older brother, Frank Flannigan. Frank Flannigan had just gotten kicked out of University College Dublin for genetically mutating the Irish potato plant, resulting in the second great Irish potato famine. Frank commonly beat his younger brother with the help of, for the most part, his father. It was rumored that one day Flannigan was playing a friendly game of soccer outside all alone, when Scott and Frank Flannigan had a drunken contest to see who could beat young Flannigan the hardest, resulting in the invention of the sport of rugby. At 15, Flannigan soon realized that he needed to exercise and become more masculine to stand up against his father and eldest brother. Schoolmates tell of his desperation…
--“He spent all day working out, and he always claimed that he wouldn’t rest until he was EXACTLY AS MASCULINE as his father…”
Flannigan’s dreams would soon come crashing down on him when on his 16th birthday, he was told that his father was a homosexual, and wished to start a relationship with Frank Flannigan. Humiliated, hurt, and most of all shamed, he was determined to have nothing to do with any of his family members for the remainder of his life. So a surprisingly understanding Frank Flannigan lent him a boat ticket to Norway. Flannigan tore this ticket in half. Determined to be exact opposite of what his siblings were, in 1966, instead of taking a ship to Norway, he SWAM across the Atlantic Ocean….
Flannigan ended up in Nova Scotia, Canada. After a year of living there, he publically claimed that the country wasn’t masculine enough for him, and ran south. He ended up in Las Vegas, Nevada around January of 1967. He quickly took advantage of the cheap thrills, extensive gambling, and wide variety of beverages offered in Las Vegas. As a birthday present, a female Flannigan was courting at the time offered him a meeting with her father. A reluctant Flannigan agreed, and was introduced to Marvin Centron, a scientist studying cryogenics. He invited Flannigan to participate in a series of experiments, who agreed for a hefty sum of 50,000 dollars.
Due to his increased amount of wealth, Flannigan soon was wed to Mary Centron on May 3rd, 1967. Flannigan, however, was soon drafted into the Vietnam War, much to his delight. Flannigan was known to disagree with many of the instances of tactical retreat, or as he referred to it, “cowardice and femininity,” that occurred within the daily processes of the army. He became so enraged at one point that he spit at Lieutenant Dan Taylor and his platoon as they were retreating from what appeared to be a strange noise. However, Flannigan was so masculine and strong that his spit flew through anyone it touched, similar to a gunshot wound. As a result, the army called in air support, killing all but one of Lieutenant Dan Taylor’s infantry men, who saved the life of Dan Taylor himself. Flannigan was arrested for the ambush and was sentenced to be a test subject of his father in law, Marvin Centron.
By 1970, Flannigan had returned home a self-proclaimed war hero, and due mostly to his charming aesthetic and suave demeanor, and the public bought it. They worshipped the ground he walked on. He even offered Tulsa Maximilian, one of his biggest fans, an opportunity to be his personal maid. She accepted, and soon they developed a lasting bond that his wife soon grew jealous of. Eventually, Flannigan was caught cheating on his wife with Tulsa, who shortly thereafter was found to be a transvestite. Flannigan was again shamed by his actions, and wished “to be wiped off of the face of the planet” as he had described, despite the ample amounts of support and large fan base he still currently possessed. This is about the time Marvin Centron offered Flannigan an escape from his life of turmoil and despair. He had set for Flannigan to take part in a secret government cryopreservation experiment, in which he would be frozen for 50 years, and then re-animated. This was to be done upon Flannigan’s death; however, he was a very impatient man. So, by injecting a mixture of diacetylmorphine and arsenic, he died on his birthday in 1975...
Re-animated in 2025, Flannigan was praised for being the only sane man left on earth, though he had no idea what had happened. It turns out the China, the Koreas and Vietnam had become one civilized empire, and along with Russia formed A.F.R.O. (Asians Fraternizing with Russians for worldwide Oppression) and they plotted to spread Communism and treachery throughout the world using their A.F.R.O. Newly Integrated Noncivil Jingo Army (or A.F.R.O. N.I.N.J.A.). They had conquered every country except America and Japan, though they had spared Japan because Nintendo was based there, and everyone in the entire Communist regime was a huge Pokémon addict. Now, Flannigan actually agreed quite nicely with the policies of Communism and dictatorship in general, but he figured the game Pokémon wasn’t masculine enough to exist in his world. So he set about to eradicate the game from existence. He first ran for President, and won the election rather easily considering the desperate situation America was currently in. Then he immediately hailed himself Dictator of America, and ran the country with an efficiency never before seen. He re-designed the way America worked, focusing mainly on slaving everyone out to turn up enough of a profit for the defense budget, so that America was further protected from the, as he so called it, “The Second Red Threat.” A large part of his plan was to legalize all forms of narcotics, and pump out enough of them, along with adequate doses of propaganda, to keep everyone dumbed down. “Resignation of the Eggheads” as he called it. Once he established a worldwide foothold, he began to make his move…
He first set out to destroy Japan, his primary target, and did so with ease using a series of sneak attack bombings on all of their ports, docks, and harbors. He then used a heavy duty airship and dangled a replica nuclear warhead above Tokyo. The entire country cowered in fear, and mass suicides occurred. Japan was eventually forced to surrender. Flannigan eventually illegalized all Nintendo products manufactured after the year 2002, and anything having to do with Pokémon. This enraged the Chinese populace, who, due to Flannigan’s manly influence and incredibly dashing looks, thought that American laws applied to the entire world. China began to riot. And so, to put down the rioting, A.F.R.O. went to war with America. And of course, with all wars, America continually massacred the A.F.R.O. N.I.N.J.A. and the A.F.R.O. citizens until the American masses began to rebel due to Flannigan’s unwavering sense of cruelty. Although Flannigan was reportedly “deeply impressed with the manliness of the rebellion,” he was forced to put down anyone who stood against him. He then progressed with the war for several more years.
By 2050, Flannigan had accidentally exterminated every person that didn’t live in America with his obviously brilliant, yet obviously stubborn, leadership. He had been responsible for the deaths or over half of the world’s population, or about 5 billion people in total. Flannigan felt some remorse for these people, but he insisted on brainwashing the entire populace into believing that it wasn’t an honest mistake, and in fact, those people HAD to die for the common good. He now had intentions to make it up to himself and his moral code by visiting his wife and apologize for the affair.
He had failed to realize, however, that his ex wife was now 107, while he was just 50 years old. She had grown to hate him, mainly for the affair, but also for leaving her without a job, which forced her to resort to prostitution and welfare checks to get by. She was deeply embittered, despite how sorry Flannigan truly was. She, in a crazy drug-induced rage, set about to murder Captain Flannigan. And on November 27, 2064, while Flannigan was giving a speech to high school students about the dangers of alcohol abuse, she shot him twice in the back of the neck. Flannigan died instantly. The entire country mourned him for years to come, and newspapers read “Flannigan is Flannigone. Country mourns him deeply…” If it was any consolation, Mary Flannigan was sentenced to death by “Audio Visual Torture” in which she was forced to watch the Star Wars Christmas edition specials, along with re-runs of every TMNT live action movie that wasn’t good, and every bad music video ever made. Her last words were “gotta get down on Friday…..”