The Taser

Chapter Three

Lenny is the “bully” of the series. He’s a fat, thieving, redneck raccoon who moved up from Kentucky after the trauma of seeing his father get hit by a “human” car. He now lives in an overturned trash can in an alley with his ruthless mother and annoying little sister. Lenny’s not bullying everyone because of his father’s death, but because his mom was bully as well as a thief and now passes it on to her son.

“LET GO OF ME YA’ DUM’ RATFACE!!!” Lenny’s mother, Darla, was kicking and squirming as a rat cop tried to fasten handcuffs onto her wrists. She had walked into the mini-mart like any other citizen, but came out with her coat stuffed with chips, bacon, milk gallons, candy bars, and any other groceries she could get her poorly manicured paws on.
Darla had thought she made a clean getaway until a carton of eggs fell out her pocket and smashed. A nearby cop on duty spotted her. Darla gave a weak smile and scampered off.

Leonard “Lenny” Rackelcoon sat on his heavily patched couch, looking at a cracked, but working television screen. “This stinks! I wanna watch Dinersaur Tales!” his little sister Lindy whined. Lenny didn’t bother noticing. He spat on the soiled carpet and continued to watch TV, when the doorbell rang. “Answer it sis.” Lindy stuck out her tongue. “Jeez, I gotta do everythin’!” moaned Lenny as the shuffled over to the door. He opened it, and saw a sight he wasn’t so surprised to see. A cop was there, struggling as he tightly clutched Darla’s wrists.
Lenny knew his mother had a criminal record. Once, she stole a dress from a department store. She claimed the store ripped her off at one point so she was getting revenge. Another time she bit a dog that she thought tried to rob her. (Ironically, it was a cop taking back the stolen dress.) She even carjacked her own mother.
“I’ll take it from here mister offy-cer’” Lenny said, grabbing his mother’s arms. “Ya dum’ cops don’t care about mas’ tryin’ to take care o’ their youngins? Imma sue ya filthy pests!” Darla jeered at the cop as he hurriedly rushed through the smell of rotting fruit and diapers.
“Ma, where’s are catch for the day? I’m stahvin!” Lenny stomach grumbled so loud a passing bat outside had heard it. “Well, I din’t gets anythin today; as ya just saw, but I did get ya a little sumthin-sumpthin…” Darla reached into the pocket of her dirty smock and pulled out a stocky, rectangular device Lenny and Lindy had never seen before. It was black, had two odd little knobs at the end, and a yellow lightning bolt on the side. “Like it? It’s a lightnin’ box! Them cops use it to shock us convicks. She held out her arm. There red marks all over them. “Done a number on me!” she then handed it to her son. “I love it!” Lenny said with glee. And imma have some fun wit’ this little thingy he thought with a sneer.

Phillip was at a wedding. Apparently he wasn’t squirming. He didn’t fall asleep, prank anyone, whine, or even play on his Nintendodo GS. He stood there at the altar. Wearing a crisp black suit, his unusually untidy hair all combed and gelled up, and a smile spreading quick across his face. It was his wedding.
Except Phillip wasn’t any older. He was still 12, but his bride surely wasn’t. He looked up to her, her pretty face beaming as well. Her light blue eyes peered down at him. I love you she whispered. I love you too…Trixie the beautiful dog and the joyful squirrel were leaning in for a kiss when the rose on Phillip’s lapel shocked him violently.
Trixie was disgusted “Ugh! This is how you treat a lady? Well forget it! I’m running off with Dan Skunk!” and with that, she ran down the aisle to the handsome, effeminate skunk, standing at the end of the altar. “NO! Trixie! Come back!” Phillip wailed as her scurried after his bride. The rose on his lapel electrocuted him again, and he awoke.
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!” he squealed. Phillip was in his bed. It was a dream, but something really did shock him. He opened his eyes. They looked into the dark blue ones of a fat, scruffy raccoon. “AAAAHHHH!!!!” Phillip screamed. He fell out his bed. “Hahaha! I got ya good Phillie!” Lenny hooted. “What the heck’s wrong with you?!” Phillip snapped “what the heck is wrong with you?” “Who said that?” Lenny asked.
Phyllis stood in Phillip’s doorway, in her pajamas. And the look on her face didn’t show she was pleased. “You were screaming real loud you jerk! And what the heck are you doing here, Lenny? You know what time it is? It’s like three in the mor—” Phyllis collapsed with a thud! Lenny blew the end of his taser as if it were a pistol. “THANK YOU!” Phillip squeaked. “But seriously, what’s wrong with you? Where’d you get that?” a malicious smirk spread across Lenny’s face. “Well Phil,” he replied, tossing his taser. “You’ve just been…ELECTRIFIED!!!” he said in a heroic voice “WHAT IS ALL THAT RACKET?!” Phillip’s mother Sally had awoken and was heading down the hall. “Gotta go Phil, see ya!” he ran to the window and leaped, but as told before, he was overweight, and was stuck in Phillip’s window. “Dad-gummit! Err… a lil’ help?”

“After what I'm sure was a long night for a lot of you -- and needless to say it was for me -- I can tell you that some election nights are more fun than others. Some are exhilarating; some are humbling. But every election, regardless of who—” “AAAUUUGH!!!!” Barack shrieked. He was in the middle of giving an important speech when he was zapped right in the neck. It was one of those rare moments when he wasn’t goofing around or acting like an actual dog. “You’ve just been… ELECTRIFIED!!!” Lenny howled out his new catchphrase. Two burly German shepherds in suits were charging towards him. “See ya!” he called out, and scampered off.

Trixie Foxx was taking a stroll down Fuzzle Avenue, unaware of the whereabouts of the “electric-coon” everyone kept rumoring of. She, however, didn’t seem to believe them. Trixie just kept a small grin upon her face and calmly walked down the street. It wasn’t the only thing that puzzled her; she was hearing things about a young boy almost marrying her. The thought of it made her shudder when she saw a familiar, but fiery looking face.
Phyllis just so happened to be marching towards her. She looked as if someone had stepped on her bushy tail. “Hi…Phyllis. Is something wrong?” Trixie kindly asked. “You wanna know what’s wrong, Trixie?” Phyllis squeaked “It’s that brainless, irritating, crazy, two-faced—wait, what I was talking about?” “Someone you seem to hate,” Trixie replied “this isn’t about this “Electric-coon,” guy is it?” “Oh it surely is” Phyllis said, breathing intensely. “Phyllis, you can’t possibly believe this!” Trixie snapped “Trixie, I’ve seen him. It’s Lenny for goodness sake and—and—” Phyllis’s blue eyes grew huge. “And what?” Trixie was starting to get anxious. “RUN!!!” Phyllis cried. She darted off and scurried up a tree.
Trixie was starting to get annoyed. “Oh for crying out—GAAAHHH!!!!!” she fell, quivering. “HAHAHA!!! Ya jus’ been—OOMPH!!!” he then stumbled to the ground, and a huge lump grew from his head. Phyllis stood over him, sneering and holding an enormous frying fan that seemed to belong to a human. “You fat, immature, son of a—”

Lenny ran around all over town, zapping boys, shocking girls, electrocuting the grown-ups, and even the babies. And while he was hooting away, anger was building up in all the animals.

“Boy, it’s great ta be me!” Lenny said in a singsong voice as he skipped down the street, doing his usual “shocking spree”. Until suddenly, everything went dark. At first, Lenny thought Phyllis had struck him on the head with a frying pan again, but he could see that he wasn’t unconscious.
Lenny was being tossed and tumbled around as if he were in a washing machine. He was on the verge of throwing up when finally, light had come again. He found himself lying on a floor.
He knew for sure that this wasn’t his house; the walls were clean, the carpet was a bright blue, and there was definitely more space. “Leonard, try not to get anything dirty, please!”
Lenny looked up. A white bunny with a pale blue flower in her hair was frowning at him. But Laura Bunnyson wasn’t the only one here; it seemed that all his friends were here, not a single one of them smiling. “Wha’s all this?” he asked. “Lenny, this is an intervention.” Malia said. Lenny was puzzled. “An inny-what?” “An intervention, but that’s not important.” Phyllis walked up to Lenny, holding a small piece of paper. “Leonard, although you’re an annoying, self-centered, arrogant jerk…I don’t really have anything positive to say to you actually.”
Phillip shoved her out of the way. “Look Lenny, you gotta stop tasing everyone! It’s not funny!” “Yeah!” everyone else said in unison. “Well I think y’all are jus’ a bunch of wimps!” Lenny snapped. He spotted Sharon the clumsy chipmunk holding his taser. He shoved his way through the throng of little animals and growled at Sharon. “Oy vey!” she shrieked, and dropped the taser. Lenny’s friends tried to grab hold of him, but three of them were tased, and Lenny made a clever escape.

Them jerks don’ know wha’ they be talkin’ about! They know it’s funny! They don’ jus’ wanna admit it! Lenny thought. He was amped up for another “tasing spree” when he spotted Sally Squirrelson, pushing baby Precious on a stroller. Hehe, this a- gon’ be perfect! He slowly walked towards her, whistling casually. “Why hello there, Leonard.” Sally cheerfully said. “Hallo, missus Squirrelsin” he replied “say, ya ever been…shocked?” He slyly asked Sally was baffled “what are you talking about?” “I mean… THIS!!!” He whipped out his trusty taser and aimed it towards Sally.
What Lenny didn’t know was that Sally was the scariest mom on the block. She snatched the taser from the devious raccoon and smashed it instantly in her paw. “WH-what—the?” “I know what was going on…and know you’re going to pay the price…” she pointed to a mob of furious animals, all holding weapons and other things they could find. Sally peacefully strolled off, cackling, while Lenny was running for his life. And to this day…Leonard Rackelcoon still goes around town, tasing people for his pleasure.
THE END XD





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