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I’m standing here in disbelief, staring at my best friend Annie in shock. All of us are in shock. didn't mean to hit her. It all happened so fast, I wasn’t thinking straight.
“Emily, you need help.” Annie whispered, grabbing my arm and pulling me to the side of the room.
“What’s your problem?” I sneered back, yanking my arm away.
“You know what I’m talking about Emily.” She pleaded, sadness obvious in her eyes. “The drugs, drinking, not eating; it needs to stop.”
“Shut up Annie!” I whispered firmly, looking around to see if anyone was listening to us.
“No, you need to quit Emily! I’m not kidding anymore. You’re sick and you need help!”
Then I punched her. Square in the face. The skin around her eyes instantly puffing up and turning different colors.
Oh God, what did I just do?
“Emily!” My mom yelled, running over to us, drawing everyone’s attention.
“Annie… I… I’m so… didn't’t mean…”
It’s been a few days since my freak out. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was all such a blur. One second I’m listening to Emily telling me I need help and then everything is black and I lost control. Next thing I know, Annie is on the ground, my mom is freaking out, and everyone is staring at us. didn't’t know what to do next and panicked. So I ran, I ran until I couldn’t breathe any more. Then I finally called for a cab and went home.
I haven’t stepped out of my room since I got home and locked it behind me. My mom has been knocking on the door every few hours, trying to get me to come out, but I won’t budge. I can’t bear to face what I did to Annie. Or even worse, what she may have told my mom and God only knows whom else.
Hearing another knock on my bedroom door and my mom’s concerned voice, I get up and walking into my connecting bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I turn on the shower and wait for the water to warm up.
As I begin to get undressed, I stop when I see my reflection in the mirror. I hardly recognize the girl staring back at me. Her dark hair is thin and frail. Her eyes are dark, nearly black and a little sunken in, making her skin look ghostly pale. She’s much too skinny, her bones popping out and showing in places they shouldn’t. She looks extremely unhealthy.
“Who are you?” I softly whisper.
Stepping into the shower, I just stand there and let the steaming hot water scorch my skin. I raise my arms and stare at my wrists, analyzing the cuts; some old and scared, others new and freshly scabbed over. Then, for the first time in years, I buckled down and cried, the water drowning out my screams.
A few hours later, when I knew no one was home, I left and drove to the cemetery.
“Hey dad.” I said softly, sitting down in front of his gravestone. “I can’t believe it’s already been three years. I’m sorry I haven’t been here since your funeral. We drifted a part so much after you and mom divorced. I wish I could take back those years before you passed. But you were drinking so much, all the time. I was scared to be around you. I hated you for choosing the alcohol over me, your baby girl. Everything about you changed. I felt like you had a hallowed out heart that was heavy in your chest. I tried so hard to fight it, but it was hopeless. You were hopeless. I just feel like after you and mom, you pushed me right out of your world. I was so young. How could you do that to me, your own flesh and blood?”
Standing up, I started to walk away, but something inside me made me turn around and go back. “The thing is dad, I haven’t been doing so great lately. I’ve been doing horrible things to myself. I feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t know who to turn to right now. I really messed up with Annie and mom hardly trusts me anymore. I understand that though, I haven’t given her any reason to lately. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough anymore. You’re probably so disappointed in me. I’m sorry dad. Despite everything, I do love you. I really wish you were here so you could help me. I miss you so much.”
“Emily, is that you?” I heard my mom ask as I walked in the front door.
“Yeah mom, it’s me.” I replied, finding her cooking dinner in the kitchen.
“Where were you sweetheart? I tried to call you, but you left your phone here.”
“I know. I forgot it. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay sweetie, you don’t need to be sorry. I was just surprised to find you had left.”
“I went to visit dad.”
“I figured it was about time. And I just needed someone to talk to.”
“Well I’m glad you went. I feel like that would’ve been good for you right now. But you know if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here.”
“I know you are mom. This was just something I needed to do on my own.”
“I understand.” She smiled, walking over to me and softly kissing my forehead.
“I’m so sorry for everything mom.” I said softly, wrapping my arms around her. “I love you so much.”
“Oh, I love you too sweetie.” Pulling away slowly, she sighed, a sad look on her face. “You know we have to get you some sort of help, right?”
“I know.” I agreed, tears stinging my eyes. “Could we talk about everything first? The last few years have been a little crazy and I want to tell you about it.”
“I would really like to tell you what I said to dad today too.’
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m ready to face my demons head on.”