Love Is Big

November 7, 2011
I sit with my back against the stall. Once again, I have made myself sick. Being skinny is in, and I definitely am not that. Actually, I’m fat. But I’m working on being like those girls in the magazines and on TV. I know it’s bad for me, I really do, but I also really don’t care. The girls at Central High School are cruel. Especially Gretchen, captain of the Varsity cheer squad, and of course dating the hottest guy in school, Zach.

“Oh hey, Jayne! Got any more candy, or did you eat it all already?”, Gretchen snickered.

“No Gretchen,” I say, “I have none.”

“Well that’s a first, chunky,” she laughs, “Gosh, lose some weight!”

She turns around and walks away, her perfectly curled hair bouncing back and forth. Being compared to her is like being compared to a rich and famous super model. Gretchen is simply perfect. I know they say that nobody is perfect, but she really is, no doubt. It’s hard to see Zach following her around like a puppy dog. God, he deserves so much better than that she-devil. I wish the boys would gaze at me like they did with Gretchen. She’s made fun of me since kindergarten, and now everyone’s chimed in to cause me more emotional pain. Especially the boys. That hurts the most. The only person that doesn’t make fun of me is Colin, my best friend.

“Come on, Jayne. I think you’re a great person. That’s all that matters!”, Colin explains, putting a slice of pizza on his lunch tray, and then one on mine. I slice of pizza is all I purchase. He tries to get me to buy chips or cookies, but I pass. I don’t need the extras. I’m fat enough already.

“Thanks man, but I don’t think I’m all that great, or pretty,” I say, “I’m fat, and you know it, Colin.” I am crying on the inside.

“Whatever. I think you’re beautiful. You know I love ya! You’re my little sister practically,” he says playfully. I blush at his ‘love ya’ comment. I really do love him. Secretly, of course. And he thinks I’m beautiful. Holy cr**.

I smile, and lead us to our table. Colin is popular, so I have no idea why we’re friends. His dark hair is always neatly combed, and accents his chocolate brown eyes. He’s smart, too. Plays football and baseball. A total jock. Well, the sweetest jock I’ve ever met. We’ve been best friends since before preschool, cause our families are close. He’s the only person at school who doesn’t make fun of me. Colin defends me against his jerky friends, but it’s not like he can “beat up” the girls that taunt me.

“Ready for history, girl? We have a test today!”, Colin says, sounding worried. He didn’t study. He never does, but still receives straight A’s.

“Yes! I actually studied today!”, I lie. I study everyday. I only said that to sound cool.

We get to class, take the test, and both pass with flying colors.

“Hey, big girl. Got any chocolate?”, Matt jokes, “I’m hungry. Come on, I know you have some.”

Colin jumps out of his seat. “Leave her alone man, I’m serious.”

“What are you gonna do, punk?”, Matt questions.

Matt stands up, almost a foot taller than Colin, and shoves him into a desk. Colin gets up and swings at Matt. He gets him right in the nose. Matt’s nose is dripping, and his shirt is covered in blood.

Boys are fighting over me! I don’t know whether to be excited, or to go get help, so I sit there. The teacher walks back into the classroom after using the restroom, and breaks up the fight. Colin is dragged down to the office by a security guard, and he doesn’t look back.

I’ll have to walk home for a while, cause Colin is grounded from his car, and he’s my ride home. I set off towards my house. After only five minutes, I am huffing and puffing, struggling to catch a breath. The autumn air is cold, and as I inhale, it burns my lungs. The rattling of a muffler is coming closer. I hear it in the distance,

“Need a ride, fat a**?”, Zach yells from the driver’s seat. Gretchen is cackling, and my face turns red.

“No thanks bud. I’d rather walk than be caught dead cruising around with you losers”, I say, feeling not so confident. I immediately regret my choice of words. I used a sarcastic tone.

“Whatever!”, Gretchen screams, flipping me off. I laugh, but I really want to cry.

Zach punches it, and they speed off. A light grey trail of soft smoke spills from the back of the car.

I start to cry, and sit down on the cold, cracked cement. Snow starts to fall softly. It’s a little early for snow; it’s only November. An ant crawls past my turquoise sneaker. I wish I were small like that.

“Wait a minute, what am I saying?”, I say out loud, “I don’t need to be small to be loved!”

A tear falls to the sidewalk, causing the ant to scurry away. I’ve always been loved, and I’m just now realizing it? What is wrong with me? Colin taught me how to love myself, and I now appreciate it. He thinks I’m beautiful. I love him, but tell no one.

All the rest of the way home, I tell myself that I am beautiful, and it doesn’t matter what other people say or think. Maybe some day fat will be in, and skinny will be gross. I won’t let anyone bring me down from now on, and I truly do love myself, just the way I am. All thanks to Colin. He is my best friend, and taught me the most important thing: self-confidence. I don’t have to look like a twig to be beautiful.

When I get home, I eat. I don’t make myself sick like usual. And I certainly don’t go sit up in my room and cry about all the mean things people said to me. Instead, I eat an apple with peanut butter, and take my dog for a walk. Making myself sick isn’t the answer, and neither is crying and moping all day. It is time to turn my life around.
Two and a half months later…

I have now lost 36lbs. and feel beautiful. It’s not the old me that I knew and loved, but everyone else certainly loves me now. Zach dumped Gretchen because she cheated, and everyone laughed when Zach busted her. She totally deserved it. As for Colin, he is still my best friend, and now also my boyfriend. I loved him all along, and I’m glad he felt the same way. Colin loved me even before I lost my weight. I didn’t need to be skinny and fake for him.

All thanks to Colin, I feel truly beautiful. He taught me great things. Who cares what everyone thinks? I am now happy. It only matters that he loves me, and he always will.





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