the beggining, of the end

October 15, 2011
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I awoke to the first morning on this strange world, not knowing if I was really alive without you. I am a flower, but you where my petals. You where the only reason im still alive today. I was the moon, you where my stars. There are just to many ways of expressing what you mean to me. And while I sit here and think about what to write, I am caught up in this silly little dream I had of you dying. I sat there and I listened to our favorite band for the whole night. I sat there and cried. I cried about losing you, and me getting so depressed I wouldn’t eat, sleep and all I would do was write and listen to our songs. I wouldn’t even talk to my best friend.
And that’s how it is now. I ran to you, in the middle of the night but you where gone already. I regret so much I did that night. Thinking, maybe if I ran faster I would have seen her. Perhaps she wouldn’t have died if I ran faster. Even though my feet were bleeding. You where calling to me continuously, I could hear you in my head. And I still hear it today, in dreams and in real life. In my dream I came to Bannockburn and I came to your house. Your mum let me inside and I went upstairs and all your stuff was gone. I kept asking everyone why it was gone but no one would tell me. So I sat in the corner of your room and just cried.
When I woke up some one was shaking me, I couldn’t believe this person was here, they hadn’t talked to me in ages. They said ‘Lilah quick get up, Bekk's been in a car accident.’ At that point I realized what was happening, it wasn’t a dream. It was a vision. I knew what was going to happen. Knowing was not a good thing at this stage, it was just terrifying. So I did a massive ninja jump out of bed and ran outside. I cried endlessly the whole way there. Knowing what would happen. I got out of the car and the person said, ‘run, you know where to go, she’s calling for you!’ That was when the voices started. ‘ Just run Lilah, run!’ the person was screaming out from the car. So I was running like I've never ran before. Bolting up the hallways even though it was a hospital I've never been to before, pushed the door so dramatically open, then sprinted up the hallway, as if my life was at stake, and it was, I then ran into your room without checking the number because I knew it was yours, and all I could see was your mum with a nurse by her side patting her on the back while she was holding your battered, lifeless hand. I ran up to your bed and I was screaming ‘Bekk, no Bekk. I'm here, in here!’ but you where gone already.
For a second I thought you opened your eyes, but then reality hit me. ‘This isn’t real’ I was thinking. ‘She’s going to be alive. Dreams don’t come true.’
But this one did. So now I sit here thinking what I would do if this situation did come to life, and I work out that I would have to do exactly that. Exactly what I did, because I can’t run any faster, I can’t wake up and wait out the front for the person that I thought hated me to just turn up.
So now I have myself thinking. Why did these people come and get me? How did I know how to get to your hospital room? Why was she calling for me? Wondering isn’t helping though. I needed answers. And I still do. Now I'm scared to death.
I loved you with all my heart, because you where the only one who mattered to me. I don’t know what in going to do without you. You where my only family. So here I am, at the beginning. Of the end.
Life as a matter of fact is just a dream, and even reality itself can’t beat it. We don’t know what’s actually happening in life, so grab it. Before it all crumbles away into dust. Like what happened to mine.





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