A Last Lullaby- The Beginning

October 14, 2011
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Prologue-I met his eyes as I raise the knife.

“Liv,no!” he whispered. As the blade reached it’s target, the words to my song drifted to me:

“When I left, I don’t even think I saw you cry. I am forever broken. You can’t fix me…”


Chapter 1: Pain. 5:45 in the morning and I’m already getting the snot beat out of me.

“What is it this time, Dad?” I whined. Another blow to the back.

“Don’t get smart with me, brat. Get up! I have to be somewhere, so get your a** to school!” he hissed.

“All right, all right.” My hands found the alarm clock and turned it off.
That’s me: Alivia Nathanson. Daughter to John, the abusive alcoholic. I examine myself in the mirror. No black eye today. My eyes narrow as I take in my reflection. Chesnut brown hair, startling green eyes, a perfect tan. I think I’m pretty. My friends think I’d be a knockout without my scar.
That’s right, scar. 1.5 inches across my right eye. Yet another reminder of my dad’s rages.

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This article has 23 comments. Post your own now!

CautionwetPaint said...
Nov. 16, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Hey, I really like this! you should definitely keep going with it, and develope the main character a little more. Turn it into a novel! :)
DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Nov. 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Thanks! I'll be posting a character sketch in a little while.
Jappyalldayeveryday said...
Nov. 12, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Honestly so many people have written about abusive fathers...
DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Nov. 14, 2011 at 11:00 am
Ya but this kinda came from my own experience, so it'll be more original. Btw, I'm looking for constructive criticism, not negative comments
milforce said...
Oct. 30, 2011 at 9:24 pm
This is a pretty interesting plot and at this point, you could do just about anything with it. You just need to fix a couple of sentences and it'll be really great! I hope to read more soon. If you can, please read my story, Rat Key.
Emiri said...
Oct. 30, 2011 at 6:51 am
Wait, that's it? There are certain things that count when you're writing a book: the interest-level of the plot, the personalities of your characters, and the writing style of the author. I want to see where this is going, and i want to see where it's going to go in your words. But one word of critique: saying "daughter of joh, teh abusive alcoholic" is a repeat. If you just said "daughter of john, the alcoholic" or something, that wouldn't repeat the fact that he's abusive and would give us a r... (more »)
DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Oct. 30, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Kay, thanks. I'll post more soon!
Joyce_Cankar said...
Oct. 29, 2011 at 4:09 pm

The prose which you write in is more for one of those stories with detectives named, "Private Eye". It is interesting though somewhat unbelievable. Maybe I need to read more fo what you've written. 


The section where you mention her friends is pretty neat. I can't wait to read what they actually say to Alivia. 


Also, it's pretty obvious her father's an alchoholic without you saying so. Even if it weren't true it is what most people would fir... (more »)

Joyce_Cankar replied...
Oct. 29, 2011 at 4:10 pm
...It is what most people would first think.
DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Oct. 29, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Okay...may post more and will try to make it more believeable..would you like to give me an idea as to how I do that?
Joyce_Cankar replied...
Oct. 30, 2011 at 12:36 pm

The passage is somewhat unbelievable because for the umpteenth time I'm reading about an abusive parent and a child with scars. 

This scene could have well been taken out of a David Pelzer novel or memoir. 

Your story is written with an almost cliché plotline that could be mistaken for another author's story.


I can't tell you how to write your story, though, or else it wouldn't be yours. 


I must remember that I... (more »)

DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Nov. 14, 2011 at 10:58 am

 i don't mean to be cliche. The idea kinda came to me...I've never read anything like it before. I'll try to rewrite the beginning though. Thanx


IamtheshyStargirl said...
Oct. 29, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Very interesting, I think you could go far with this, though you need to work on your spelling, sentence structure, and dialogue.

I think this would make a very intriguing story, maybe you should write it in short story form before you try to turn it into a book.

DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Oct. 29, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Thanks. Yeah, I know I need to work on sentence structure...I am actually writing it as a short story.
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Ahhh, Cool :)
JillianNora said...
Oct. 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm
I agree with purplemango - about leaving who the abusive achoholic is to a litte late. You don't want to reveal everything straight from the beginning.
JillianNora replied...
Oct. 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Sorry! sent that before I was finished. Yes, I think it's definately worth continuing. I like the idea a lot:)
IreneEYtonKratz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 28, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Five stars from me. This is great and you should continue it. However, the only thing that really confused me was the tenses of the first sentence of the prologue. They don't agree. Otherwise, great work!
DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Dec. 6, 2011 at 11:07 am
Yeah, I realized that after I posted. Whoops! I will post the whole novel around February, so check it out!
Kvothe28 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 28, 2011 at 5:58 pm
Yes, I would defenietely keep going. You should post the rest too. It could go a lot of places. =)
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