A Last Lullaby- The Beginning

October 14, 2011
By NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister


Prologue-I met his eyes as I raise the knife.

“Liv,no!” he whispered. As the blade reached it’s target, the words to my song drifted to me:

“When I left, I don’t even think I saw you cry. I am forever broken. You can’t fix me…”

Darkness.

Chapter 1: Pain. 5:45 in the morning and I’m already getting the snot beat out of me.

“What is it this time, Dad?” I whined. Another blow to the back.

“Don’t get smart with me, brat. Get up! I have to be somewhere, so get your a** to school!” he hissed.

“All right, all right.” My hands found the alarm clock and turned it off.
That’s me: Alivia Nathanson. Daughter to John, the abusive alcoholic. I examine myself in the mirror. No black eye today. My eyes narrow as I take in my reflection. Chesnut brown hair, startling green eyes, a perfect tan. I think I’m pretty. My friends think I’d be a knockout without my scar.
That’s right, scar. 1.5 inches across my right eye. Yet another reminder of my dad’s rages.


The author's comments:
Kay guys...I have written more, but I want people's opinions. Should I keep going?

Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 23 comments.


on Dec. 6 2011 at 11:07 am
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Yeah, I realized that after I posted. Whoops! I will post the whole novel around February, so check it out!

on Nov. 21 2011 at 12:53 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Thanks! I'll be posting a character sketch in a little while.

on Nov. 16 2011 at 8:39 pm
SpringAhead GOLD, Phoenixville, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 99 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't call me crazy, it drives me nuts!"








~Anonymous

Hey, I really like this! you should definitely keep going with it, and develope the main character a little more. Turn it into a novel! :)

on Nov. 14 2011 at 11:00 am
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Ya but this kinda came from my own experience, so it'll be more original. Btw, I'm looking for constructive criticism, not negative comments

on Nov. 14 2011 at 10:58 am
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

 i don't mean to be cliche. The idea kinda came to me...I've never read anything like it before. I'll try to rewrite the beginning though. Thanx

 


on Nov. 12 2011 at 8:10 pm
Jappyalldayeveryday, Detroit, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
They say that good things take time, but really great things happen in the blink of an eye

Honestly so many people have written about abusive fathers...

on Oct. 31 2011 at 4:52 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Ahhh, Cool :)

on Oct. 30 2011 at 9:24 pm
milforce SILVER, Bloomington, Illinois
9 articles 0 photos 135 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Those who have the ability to act, have the responsibility to act."

This is a pretty interesting plot and at this point, you could do just about anything with it. You just need to fix a couple of sentences and it'll be really great! I hope to read more soon. If you can, please read my story, Rat Key.

Joyce_Cankar said...
on Oct. 30 2011 at 12:36 pm
Joyce_Cankar, Montreal, Other
0 articles 0 photos 23 comments

The passage is somewhat unbelievable because for the umpteenth time I'm reading about an abusive parent and a child with scars. 

This scene could have well been taken out of a David Pelzer novel or memoir. 

Your story is written with an almost cliché plotline that could be mistaken for another author's story.

 

I can't tell you how to write your story, though, or else it wouldn't be yours. 

 

I must remember that I've read only an excerpt, and not the whole thing. 


on Oct. 30 2011 at 12:12 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Kay, thanks. I'll post more soon!

BluBliss GOLD said...
on Oct. 30 2011 at 6:51 am
BluBliss GOLD, New York, New York
14 articles 0 photos 161 comments

Favorite Quote:
Bella's love for Edward was like, "Omg. He's hot. He's mine because he sparkles. Now I'll brood the wholle book while I'm with him."

Wait, that's it? There are certain things that count when you're writing a book: the interest-level of the plot, the personalities of your characters, and the writing style of the author. I want to see where this is going, and i want to see where it's going to go in your words. But one word of critique: saying "daughter of joh, teh abusive alcoholic" is a repeat. If you just said "daughter of john, the alcoholic" or something, that wouldn't repeat the fact that he's abusive and would give us a reason why he's abusive.

on Oct. 29 2011 at 8:11 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Okay...may post more and will try to make it more believeable..would you like to give me an idea as to how I do that?

Joyce_Cankar said...
on Oct. 29 2011 at 4:10 pm
Joyce_Cankar, Montreal, Other
0 articles 0 photos 23 comments
...It is what most people would first think.

Joyce_Cankar said...
on Oct. 29 2011 at 4:09 pm
Joyce_Cankar, Montreal, Other
0 articles 0 photos 23 comments

The prose which you write in is more for one of those stories with detectives named, "Private Eye". It is interesting though somewhat unbelievable. Maybe I need to read more fo what you've written. 

 

The section where you mention her friends is pretty neat. I can't wait to read what they actually say to Alivia. 

 

Also, it's pretty obvious her father's an alchoholic without you saying so. Even if it weren't true it is what most people would first think. 


on Oct. 29 2011 at 3:23 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Thanks for all the input. I will probably post more later...

on Oct. 29 2011 at 3:22 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache." ~Talon McCallister

Thanks. Yeah, I know I need to work on sentence structure...I am actually writing it as a short story.

on Oct. 29 2011 at 1:09 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Very interesting, I think you could go far with this, though you need to work on your spelling, sentence structure, and dialogue.

I think this would make a very intriguing story, maybe you should write it in short story form before you try to turn it into a book.


on Oct. 28 2011 at 11:03 pm
JillianNora SILVER, Forest Park, Illinois
8 articles 2 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." -1 Timothy 4:12

Sorry! sent that before I was finished. Yes, I think it's definately worth continuing. I like the idea a lot:)

on Oct. 28 2011 at 11:02 pm
JillianNora SILVER, Forest Park, Illinois
8 articles 2 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." -1 Timothy 4:12

I agree with purplemango - about leaving who the abusive achoholic is to a litte late. You don't want to reveal everything straight from the beginning.

GreyGirl ELITE said...
on Oct. 28 2011 at 8:36 pm
GreyGirl ELITE, Pohang,Kyungbuk, Other
170 articles 122 photos 392 comments
Five stars from me. This is great and you should continue it. However, the only thing that really confused me was the tenses of the first sentence of the prologue. They don't agree. Otherwise, great work!


SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!