Insanity in the CIA

October 24, 2011
More by this author
Major Blacklist turned around. He smelled something. “That smell... It’s an interesting smell The kind of smell that smells...smelly.” A bit disturbed by this smell, Blacklist began to run. Only when he stopped did he examine his surroundings. Nothing. A blank sheet of nothing. There he was, literally in the middle of nowhere. Yet there had to be something there because Major Blacklist was standing on a hard surface. He knelt and touched the lack of ground. He could feel the ground there with his feet but when he tried to touch it, there was nothing there. He moved to stand where he had been touching to see if he would fall. He failed. “Now, this is weird.” he said in a French accent. “I wonder if...” thought Blacklist. He stood up straight, bent and touched his toes, stretched his back, then rotated his head and his shoulders. Then he crouched, and sprang into the air, rotating his body as he did so. He stopped rotating and hurled towards the anti-ground face first expecting pain. None came. He seemed to just fall and fall and fall. Blacklist rotated again to land on his feet and did.?
Remembering his little running feat, the Major took off running. He ran as fast as he could and just kept running. Farther and farther. He never ran out of breath, he never got a stitch in his side, and he didn’t lose any strength. He decided to stop and test one more thing. He held his breath, and after 40 seconds he found that he had to breathe in again. “How interesting. It would seem that I am in the absence of life.” He pulled out his gun and shot himself in the head. “ Huh, and death, and yet I require oxygen”. While he was standing there, thinking deep philosophical thoughts, he wondered if he would ever need to eat. A whistling noise could be heard. Major Blacklist turned to face the sound. Then he saw it, whatever it was. The thing was flying at him extremely fast. When it was only 100 yards away he figured out what it was. A french fry. He moved to catch it. Then he did, and the french fry took him with it. The Major held on to find out where the fry was going.

A little over an hour later, Blacklist could see outlines of buildings up ahead. Just outlines, no physical features. When they reached the buildings, the fry went into what looked to be a fast food restaurant. Blacklist let go and fell to the ground. He jumped up and when he looked around, everyone was staring at him. A man stood up from a booth and walked over to him. “So you’re the bringer of the french fry. We don’t get a lot of new people here. I’m Sir Isaac Von Talles.” Sir Isaac extended his head towards Blacklist. “I’m Major Blacklist, CIA.” said Blacklist. He held out his hand to Sir Isaac who just stared at it. “Here it is customary to hit heads together.” Sir Isaac extended his head again and Blacklist slammed his head into Sir Isaacs head. An audible crack could be heard, “Thank you, Major.” “You’re welcome.” “Major Blacklist, we need some law enforcement in this town and I want you to do it.” “Are you sure?” “Yes. You are the bringer of the french fry.” Sir Isaac Von Talles grabbed a random utensil and said, “By the power of Nothing, I ordain you, Major Blacklist, to be the enforcer of all law enforcement, and the laws you enforce you shall come up with on the spot.” Sir Isaac then proceeded to break Major Blacklist’s nose with the utensil.

We pause the in the telling of this story as a better description of Nothing is required at this point. Nothing is a space that was never completed. Randomly, people from the real world appear in Nothing. A copy of them stays in the world but the original goes to Nothing. Nothing is filled with nothing (besides people and the french fry). There is stuff there, but it’s made of nothing. For example: the restaurant that Blacklist flies into, from the outside you can only see the outline of it. If there is a wall, you just see right through it to the other side of the building. You don’t see what is inside, you see right through it to the other side of the building. It’s like looking at a TV screen when you see through the camera. There are other things too, but again it’s all outline. If you want to get inside the building you can’t walk through the wall into the inside, you pop out on the other side of the building. To get in the building you have to find a door and open it. But you can’t grip nothing, so you have to mimic like you’re opening a door, and the door in front of you will open. The same concept works for everything else too, you mimic what you want to happen and it will happen. (The french fry taking Blacklist into the restaurant was the only exception to this rule, because the french fry is mystical). Also, in Nothing, because there is no set ground, you can freely move up and down. There are many different ways to do this. It is up to you to choose which one you like. Thus is the life of someone who lives in Nothing.

One day many months later, the Major was out on the street just going about his business when he passed by a man in the sky arranging pencils in a random order. Upon seeing this act, Blacklist brought his leg up like he was climbing stairs and then proceeded to climb some stairs made out of nothing. When he got to the man, he asked him, ”What are you doing?” “I’m randomly placing pencils in the air.” “You are strategically placing pencils in the sky! One can only wonder for what purpose.” Major Blacklist picked up the man, brought him back down to where the average ground is and took him to The Maze, a building used to discipline law breakers. Law breakers are dropped into a maze made of a glass-like substance (that you can’t walk through but you can see through) and you aren’t let out until the sentence is up. The only other way to get out is to find the exit, which is nearly impossible.

After Major Blacklist dealt with the arranger of pencils, he went to the entrance of the maze, pulled a microphone from the wall and said into it, “I need the Offender of the Public, now!” A few seconds later, out of the wall popped a man who needed a shave, but having no razor, he remained bearded. “I need information,” said Blacklist. “You will to give it to me.” “I don’t know anything! I don’t even know that I don’t know anything!” “Have you ever hear of the infamous nose expansion torture?” “No sir.” “Excellent. Because there’s no such thing. Yet.” The Offender of the Public changed his claim and decided that he might know something after all. He told Blacklist what he knew and Blacklist hit him back into the maze. Using the information that he just heard, he went to interview people on the street. “Do you know where to locate the doughnut that is covered with purple?” “What!?” “Can you eat your pants?” “Why?” “Who was the governor of Russia in 1328?” “Well...” “Shut-up!” After spending 3 hours 38 minuets and 48 seconds interviewing various people to gain more information based on the knowledge he acquired from the Offender of the Public, a.k.a. “the bearded maze man”, he heads to his stomping grounds, the diner where the fry brought him. There he ate some waffles.

While he was enjoying his 9 waffles, two men in overcoats were sitting in the standard place where suspicious looking people sit, the corner booth. They started humming the ‘Pink Panther’ theme very loudly. Then they stood up and walked to the counter where Blacklist was devouring his waffles like a person who just got off a low-wheat-diet. They sat down on either side of him and started up many different conversations at the same time. “How about this weather, huh?” “Did you hear about the big game?” “What’s your name?” “Have I met you before?” “What’s your life story?” Then the leaned back and talked to each other. “Do you think he suspects anything?” “No, but he hasn’t said anything yet.” “I think he’s that one guy.” “That one guy that did that one thing.” “Yeah, but what were we supposed to do with him” “I think we have to bag him.” They leaned forward again and put his face in his waffles, and Major Blacklist blacked out.

He woke, stood up, then looked around him. He was in a cell. He looked through the bars he saw the two men from the diner, but something was different. “Wait, no they’re not the same men from the diner. Those men didn’t have glasses or a big nose or a mustache.” said Blacklist. “So it must not be those guys from the diner.” Then the guys from the diner took off their Groucho Marx nose and glasses and unlocked Blacklist’s cell. He ran away laughing like the mad-man he was. He ran through many different hallways, doors and rooms. Eventually he came to a pair of doors that were really big. Major Blacklist opened them. Inside he saw a terrible sight, “So, we meet again. Jallil Mann! You won’t get away with it this time!” “Who are you?” “ I’m Major Blacklist of the Central Intelligence Agency. And you are my arch-nemesis.” “Oh! How nice. Now do you need something or can I get back to my laundry?” “I’m here to engage with you in mortal combat. Prepare thineself accordingly, thou knave!” “Look, I’ve had a long day, I got reprimanded at work, the electricity went out and now I have to do my laundry by hand! So, as you can see, I have work to do and I could do without the babbling nonsense of various idiots. Not ten minutes ago, two men in overcoats wearing Groucho Marx glasses were in here saying things like: ‘Outside a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.’ or ‘I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.’ and then there’s always ‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful night, but this wasn’t it.’. Now will you leave! By the way, I’ve never met you or done anything to affect you.” “Oh. So sorry.” Major Blacklist disappeared. No one, in both the real world and Nowhere, has seen him. They say, however, that if you sit in his office cubical in the CIA headquarters and spin in his chair for 3 minutes, you will hear him laugh maniacally.

Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

Site Feedback