It's Not Easy Being Invisible

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The passed couple of months have been very hard on me. I, who use to be so happy and full of life, have fallen into a deep pit of depression too steep to climb out of. The air I breathe has become dull and isn't as refreshing as it use to be. I feel hope reach my lungs whenever I inhale and I try to anticipate that I'll get that same feeling of relaxation that I use to get on a fresh, brisk Autumn day but disappointment is the only product of those deep breaths in the vicious respiratory cycle that never ends. The colors I'm use to seeing everyday aren't as bright as I once remembered them being. In return, everything I see has become boring and less beautiful than it was when both the spectrum and I were vibrant and alive. Even the steps I take don't feel the same. I float around, drifting along trying to re-discover my ambition to find something meaningful but the chances of that become slimmer and slimmer as each day passes and as I come to realize what I've become.

The strong, sturdy, steel chain that was my life has become broken and is missing some vital links that cannot be found. I can't sleep; I lie there on my once comfortable mattress every night and have a staring contest with the ceiling in which I always lose. One quality’s night sleep, just enough to have one more dream, is all I ask for. Dreams can take you to a place where everything is O.K. and all of your problems escape you. I would give anything just to get a sense of that, even if it lasts just a short moment. I can't eat either; I stare at food that I use to crave hoping that my appetite will finally rise, yet it remains hidden and unwilling to reveal itself. If only I can have one more meal where I can fully savor and remember the taste I know it has, but it seems as though my taste buds have forgotten. Whenever I do try and eat, the food passes right through me without any flavor to recall. In short, everything that made me human is gone and the senses that gave me the opportunity to enjoy whatever life had in store for me is has gone missing too.

I roam the hallways of my school unseen and unheard. Blind eyes and deaf ears surround me. Silence or being cut off whenever I speak is expected and has come to the point where I wouldn't mind
being bullied. Even that would reassure me that I'm part of the world that I feel so detached from. Unfortunately though, getting spoken over or being walked through has become part of the daily schedule. The little faith I have left pushes me to go to school everyday hoping that something changes but the regular routine insists that I remain transparent.

Jealously and envy flow through my veins and intercept every cell trying to make them one of their own whenever I see other kids talk and laugh with all of their friends. I want that and need that. I use to have that but once I changed to who I am today, so did everything else. I try and try to get someone's attention but I remain a ghost to everybody, even my best friends and family. Those who use to be so close to me have never been more distant. In my time of need there is no one there to help me and give me the proper care needed to get out of this incredibly rough stretch. With no guidance or directions given, I've become lost and all alone in my own world. The words I say are not being heard and the punchlines of my jokes I’m so use to telling, aren't getting any laughs. As others enjoy their life and let the future sneak up behind them, mine remains dormant, forever at rest.

In my never ending marathon of finding a solution to my problem, there is no finish line in sight. Horizons of nothing squeeze and suffocate me like a boa constrictor taking its prey. My struggle is a claustrophobic, uphill race where I'm the lone competitor, only ensuring that I place last. There are no water breaks, rests, or an any motivations in the chase to catch something way too quick and smart for me to grasp. The only competition there is are the numerous obstacles in my way doing their best to keep me from passing on. As much as I try and relentlessly put one foot in front of the other I go nowhere. My panoramic view of no promise remains untouched.

Ever since I died, my life has been turned upside down and all memory of who I was has abandoned ship sinking to the very abyss I wish to join. My untimely death was the accident that threw me off the ship and into the non-forgiving, lifeless water that I became apart of. The passing time is the endless crashing of the waves that draw me farther and farther from the boat as each wave flows by where the current is too strong to be broken making it impossible for me to swim back on board. After enough time, the eagerness of the crew to rescue dwindles down to almost nothing and the search for my body stops completely. Lifelines being thrown go from being just a fingernail's length away to not being thrown at all and the lights from the ship become dimmer and dimmer until they become completely invisible like me.

As you can imagine, things alter and change when you become a ghost. Everything becomes so alien and foreign. Things that you thought you knew and never doubted once in your life becomes questioned with the sudden change of perspective. In this new mindset, everything has become out of sync except for my mind. The mind is the only thing that seems to work properly after death. Thoughts of all different variety rush and crowd my mind which can become my best friend or worst enemy. Those very same thoughts can be inspiring and fill me with optimism or drive me mad with a glass of milk half-empty. Emotions are the only real things anymore and become so strong that they become over-powering and there's nothing to do about it. The worst part is that I don't even know what exactly to feel. There are so many different rogue emotions flying around in my head that I don't know which one to feel and so they seemingly blend together to the point where I barely have any feeling at all which is worse then anything in the world.

It's not easy being invisible. I'm my only company in a realm where I'm talked to by no one, heard by not even the crickets, and not known to be in existence. Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster get more attention than I do and I'm real... at least that's what I think. I've become desperate, willing to do anything just to get any type of recognition like an older child jealous of the younger brother or sister in the family but no matter how hard I kick or scream the spotlight remains on the younger sibling. I'm in a two-way mirrored world where nobody can see me but I can see them clear as day. I can't find the words to describe how aggravating it is that the life and people I left behind are so close to me, but really, they couldn't be any farther. It's hard to struggle with the reality that I'm not part of anybody else's reality anymore. Ever since I died and the memory of me followed, I've been looking for answers of what to do next or how to deal with this situation but all I find is more questions. How long will I be like this? Are there other people like me? Where will I go if I do “pass on”? Those are just some of the questions that constantly bombard my defenseless self unarmed with no explanations. Uncertainty is the only definite thing right now in a place where nothing is cemented.

Patience is all I can ask for right now in my time of need. Getting angry or all worked up over something I can't control won't help anything and only make matters worse. Doing that will drive me crazy in a place where I can't afford that happening. I don't even know what kind of place I actually am in but what I do know is that I have to treat it like a very delicate ecosystem. One rogue emotion can offset everything and make the time in this place worse than it already is. With that said, I've learned to find, or try to find, my peace in mind. I can't worry over the little things like I use to. Those little problems that that stressed me out and seemed like the end of the world to me now seem so stupid and useless. If my alive self had the same train of thought as I do now maybe I wouldn't be here. I'm not saying I wouldn't have died but maybe I wouldn't have anything holding me back like I do now. I've wasted so much time worrying about those idiotic problems that don't deserve any attention that I missed so many opportunities pass right by me. Now the roles have reversed and I'm the one floating by. The regret haunts me (which is ironic because I'm the one who is suppose to do all the haunting) so much that it never leaves the corner of my eye and it follows me everywhere I go. If life had a re-do button and it was that easy to change things, it would've been done already. Unfortunately, it is not that easy and I'm gonna have to “live” with the decisions I've made or didn't make. However, it seems as though I have more than enough time to accept and come to terms with my passed life and finally move on. If or when that does happen, hopefully I'll know what to do next.





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