All Nonfiction Bullying Books Academic Author Interviews Celebrity interviews College Articles College Essays Educator of the Year Heroes Interviews Memoir Personal Experience Sports Travel & CultureAll Opinions Bullying Current Events / Politics Discrimination Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking Entertainment / Celebrities Environment Love / Relationships Movies / Music / TV Pop Culture / Trends School / College Social Issues / Civics Spirituality / Religion Sports / Hobbies
- Summer Guide
- College Guide
- Author Interviews
- Celebrity interviews
- College Articles
- College Essays
- Educator of the Year
- Personal Experience
- Travel & Culture
- Current Events / Politics
- Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking
- Entertainment / Celebrities
- Love / Relationships
- Movies / Music / TV
- Pop Culture / Trends
- School / College
- Social Issues / Civics
- Spirituality / Religion
- Sports / Hobbies
- Community Service
- Letters to the Editor
- Pride & Prejudice
- What Matters
It was dark out that day. The mist surrounded us - made it seem like we were in our own little world. All I could see were the edges of the fog, nothing beyond the beams of the headlights. It was quiet for once, the very first lull in our conversation. Cally could sit for hours just staring out the window if she didn't have anything to say. I glanced over at her and let out an almost imperceptible sigh.
"Say it," she mumbled, without turning from the window. "There is something on your mind, I can tell." I laughed a little, an uneasy laugh. Of course she knew. She always knew. I pulled over onto the shoulder and turned off the ignition.
"I don't know, Cal. I just.. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I'm broken or something."
She turned around and sort of glared at me. It was so unexpected I wanted to laugh again. Genuinely this time. But I didn't. She was already serious. She cupped my face in her hands that were always warm and looked into my eyes. She didn't say anything at first, but I knew she was just trying to articulate her thoughts.
Finally she said, "Each one of us is broken in some way or other. I don't believe there is one person in this world who we can consider whole. Those little experiences we have, both good and bad.. You know, the ones that make us question who we are, or test us to our limits. They break us without us realizing it. They show us the parts of ourselves we never knew were there - the only way we change. I don't think we were ever really whole to begin with. I think from the beginning we were jagged, interchangeable pieces that are meant to be shaped over and over again as we change because of those experiences. All those people out there, you and I, we all live our lives striving for that happiness. That wholeness. But i don't think we were ever actually whole, Talan. I don't think we were ever meant to be. And you know what? That's okay. Do you want to know why? Because if you don't feel like you can be more or do more or feel more, then what is left to strive for? What is left to gain? It means you've already lost yourself in ways you can't even imagine. In ways that can't even be found. It is better to feel broken and in pain, than to feel absolutely nothing at all." She leaned forward, touched her forehead to mine and closed her eyes. I closed mine too, and breathed deeply, letting the depth of her words and the warmth of her touch sink in.
All too quickly she let go, just like she always did. She leaned back and drew her legs up onto her chair. She wrapped her arms around her knees as they came up against her chest. The oblivion outside the window had her full attention again. I could only guess what was going on inside her head.
I started the car again, turned on the brights, and pulled out onto the deserted highway.
"Cally?" I said quietly, my eyes on the road.
"Thank you. You always know what I need to hear in order to be okay."
"Mmhmm," was all she said, and I couldn't help but grin. She was sitting here, right next to me, but her thoughts were a thousand miles away. Without another word, she reached out and took my cold hands in hers. And I wished I could live in that moment forever.
I still do. I always will. I still wish she were sitting next to me in the truck, holding my hand as she stares out the window. I just wish she were here period. Here to ease the pain of her own absence. The hollowness I feel without her.
I promise I'll keep feeling, Cally. I'll keep feeling the pain of losing you. The dull ache in my chest when I realize you're not around. But only to keep myself from forgetting the joy I felt when you were here. The happiness that was your doing. I'll never stop feeling. I promise.