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Timmy the Toad – a fictional-but-not-so-fictional parable MAG
Timmy the Toad was NOT a happy toad. His father, Corporal Punishment, was very mean to him. His mother, I.N. Difference, was just a cruel woman who didn't like having a son. She wanted to be a musician. Timmy grew up very sad, but he also was very mad. He was mad at his parents for not loving him. He was mad at his school for rejecting him (Timmy was very shy in school). In fact, he was mad at the whole town of Amrica for just existing.
So, one day, Timmy, the not-so-happy toad, went to Shootem Up, a local gun dealer, and bought a gun. Of course, Timmy had to wait five days before Shootem could give him a gun, but that just let him plan even more. Timmy decided to get revenge on his parents and the world by shooting someone. One day, he saw ol' By Stander walking in Amrica town square and BOOM! With a shot, he got By, right in the patoot! They took By to the hospital and removed the bullet from his posterior and then they took Timmy to court.
When the judge asked Timmy, "What caused you to do this?" Timmy got scared. He decided to try to get out of it by blaming someone else. He said, "Well, sir, I saw Mr. T.V. Vilence the other day, and he was pretending to shoot someone and it looked like fun!" The judge, of course, was shocked. He said, "Well, what about the gun? Didn't you get the gun from someone?"
Timmy the Toad thought about it for a minute, and said, "Yessir, I did get the gun from someone. Mr. Up, the gun dealer. He saw how upset I was, he should never have sold it to me!"
Well, the whole town of Amrica heard this, and the mayor of Amrica, Hi Steria, said, "Well, obviously, Timmy here is the victim! I say we round up T.V. and Shootem, and throw them right out of Amrica! Then it'll all be okay."
So, the town threw out Shootem Up, the gun dealer, and T.V. Vilence, the play actor, and they thought all was well. One day, however, Timmy the toad decided he was sick of life again. So, in a fit of fury, he grabbed a butter knife and poked ol' By Stander again, right in the derriere! The people of Amrica again got together in court, and decided that poor Timmy had been victimized a second time. They decided to blame the company in Taiwan that made the knife, and devised a plan to drop immense amounts of bombs on the knife company. The Amrican citizens were tittering amongst themselves and their plan, when, as usual, that old busybody, Vocef Reezon, decided to speak.
Vocef quietly began, "Now, I didn't particularly enjoy watching T.V.'s little plays. I thought they were stupid and senseless. But, don't you see? Amrica was built on freedom. I don't think everyone should have their freedom, no matter how stupid or senseless, taken away from them. T.V. didn't commit the crime, so why should his freedoms be taken away?"
He paused for a moment, nervously cleared his throat and began again, "And, though it's not totally wrong for Shootem to have some restrictions placed on him, like it or not, Amrica's laws do say that we can have weapons. Although Shootem is selling weapons, we have to protect his rights. Taking his rights away could have horrifying results. So we take them away. Who's next? Where does the line finally stop? We can't let this happen. Everyone's rights are important."
Vocef's chest filled with pride as he began again. He was happy with how he was vocalizing his beliefs. Surely they couldn't disagree now? "But there are cases when someone's rights have to be infringed upon, and that's when they take someone else's rights away by breaking the law. And if those rights are infringed upon, then we have to punish the person who breaks the laws. It's time to draw the line. People must start taking responsibility for their actions. T.V. didn't shoot By Stander in the patoot, and neither did Shootem Up. Timmy the Toad did. And that's what's important. He's the one who broke the law. T.V. was not hurting anyone by putting on stupid little revenge plays. We're only hurting ourselves by searching desperately for someone to blame for your actions. Thank you."
Vocef stopped speaking, sat down, and watched as the assembled citizens of Amrica stare at each other in blind confusion. Finally, Hi Steria stood up and shouted, "Let's throw Reezon out too!?" All of Amrica agreed that this was a good idea and did so. Then they went on with their plans to bomb Taiwan.
And the citizens of Amrica lived happily ever after, at least until Timmy the Toad decided that he was upset with the whole story and dropped an entire store of pornographic magazines on By Stander's head, but that's a different story altogether.
Names have been changed to (thinly) disguise the guilty.