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The Three Little Pigs: What Really Happened

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One beautiful spring day, I was taking my usual morning stroll around the neighborhood. My name is Paul, and I am a very intellectual pink pig. I have wonderful blue eyes, always read books, and wisely built my house out of bricks. This was my idea, an idea much smarter than those of my brothers, Peter and Patrick. They are both pigs too. Both of them are shorter than me, and really have a way of pulling neighborhood pranks and attempting stupid stunts. It wouldn’t be peculiar to see either of them trying to set off all of the sprinklers in the neighborhood, or maybe even trying to kick over a garbage can while riding a skateboard. Oh, and did I mention their latest stunt, trying to jump off of their roofs with kites, thinking that they could fly, but they hopelessly failed. Yes, that’s my brothers for you. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that not only do they sometimes not use their brains, they never use brains. I mean, they actually built their houses out of straw and sticks. How stupid is that? I told them not to, and that their house would sooner or later fall down, but they wouldn’t believe me. I’ve never told them this, but they got their stupidity from an accident that happened when they were younger. One time, our pet dog was running around the yard while they were in car seats on the deck. You see, my dog got the urge to bite something, so he bites the car seat. The next thing you know, two piglets are being dragged around the yard constantly hitting their heads on rocks. Afterwards, they each had concussions and have never recovered. And this is what I was thinking about as I was wandering around the neighborhood. Well, until I met my dear old friend Wally the Wolf.

“Hey! How are you dear friend?” questioned Wally.

“I’m doing pretty well, just taking my morning stroll,” I replied.


“It was wonderful weather over the weekend, don’t you think? My family and I decided to…” explained Wally for what seemed like endless hours. Halfway into the story, I obviously got bored, and started to think about my brothers again. They really were horrible brothers my entire life. Never once did they ever listen to me, involve me in any games with them and their friends, and always tried to make my life miserable. During this process they would always pick on me too. Sure I was the older one, but there were two of them, and one of me. So, they would always start trouble in the house, and then when my parents came, and I was fighting back, well you get the point on who was the one who got into trouble. They never believed me, and always told me not to pick on my little brothers.

My life went along like this for much of my childhood. At one point, things got so bad, that my parents decided to just ground me for life. Sure a lot of parents tell their kids this when they do something really bad, but my parents literally grounded me for life. They hated me so much that they never even talked to me. One day, my parents were driving home from the grocery store down Drury Lane. They had went there so they could pick up a container of vanilla extract in order to bake cookies for the weekend. It was raining, and the roads quickly got so slippery that my parents could not handle the car anymore. The car slid viciously into a ditch. Yep, that was the last of Mommy Pig and Daddy Pig’s lives.

Well, now that resulted in another problem, who to give the family fortune to. You see, my parents were pig millionaires. They found a winning lottery along their fence one day that blew from the wind, and what do you know, it was a winner. You would think that they would split the money between their three children, but it didn’t end up that way. They were so angry at me that they decided to leave me out to dry, giving the money to my two brothers and not me. They hated me and loved my brothers. Luckily, I still had my great education to rely on at least. All my brothers had though was money, a lot of it, and didn’t spend any money at all on education, figuring that it was not important to them at all. This is how I ended my thinking, and quickly got back into my conversation with Wally.

“… so that’s how I spent my weekend,” finished Wally in a rambling, now hoarse voice.
“Interesting, well I’m very glad that you had fun. Hey, what are you doing the rest of the day?” I asked, interested to see if my evil plan would work out. You see, I finally figured out a way that I would be able to get back at my two revolting brothers. I would be able to get the family fortune in an intriguing way that would even satisfy my dear old friend Wally. Wally was always a quick thinker, and acted quickly about everything, whether it was running, cooking, or making decisions. Usually, he agreed to every task that someone would ask him to do. Wally would be the perfect friend to set up to act as the bad guy in my evil plot, and he would never see it coming.

“Well, actually my day is free until tonight. You see, tonight I’m throwing this party for my wonderful grandmother. She’s turning eighty today, which is pretty old for a wolf, so I just thought that it would be a very nice thing to show her how much that I appreciate her. I need to make sure that she knows how I feel before she goes to the grave,” exclaimed Wally.

“That is such a generous thing for you to do. Your grandmother should be very thankful for your thoughtfulness, and is lucky to have you as a grandson. Also, it is stupendous that you do not have anything this afternoon, because I was wandering if you wanted to play have a picnic with my brothers and me,” I asked.

“This picnic of yours sounds wonderful, we should get started on it right away though, for it is beautiful sunny weather outside now, but it may rain this afternoon,” Wally stated.

“Of course, you would never want to have a picnic in the rain now would you,” I replied.

So, we headed off. As we were in the middle of the park now on the west side of Mudville, we proceeded east to go back to the area in which my brothers live in. I had told Wally that we were going to have a picnic with my brothers, which wasn’t entirely a false statement. Most people would assume that Wally, my brothers, and I would all sit around a table and have a peaceful lunch together, but that wasn’t what I had had in mind. Instead, we were going to have a picnic with my brothers as the main course. Yes, you heard right, there not a big wad of wax in your ears, we were going to eat Peter and Patrick.

After a mile walk back to the other side of town, both Wally and I were steadily approaching my youngest brother Patrick’s house. Patrick is the stupider of my two brothers. After five years of studying, he is still illiterate and can not tell the difference between colors yet, and he is not color blind. Anyone walking down the street probably thought Wally and I were the most ridiculous pair that they have ever witnessed. It isn’t everyday that you notice a black, fury, malicious wolf walking down the path with an innocent looking pink pig. Finally we were at Patrick’s house. The weather was still wonderful, and Wally just looked so excited that he was about to have a picnic with his three good friends.

“We’re finally here,” exclaimed Wally, eager to get a good meal in his stomach. Little did he know, he was going to get an extraordinary meal to eat.

“Okay, just go knock on his door really hard and yell to find if he’s home,” I told Wally. Wally then proceeded to walk up to door. He quickly brought back his hand, as Wally always did things in a fast manner, and knocked hard on the door. Then, he proceeded to shout…

“Little pig, little pig, do you want to come have a nice picnic with your brothers and me?” questioned Wally.

“No way!” screamed Patrick, “I would rather cut off the hairs from my chinny chin chin!”

“He says he won’t come,” explained Wally.


“Well, why don’t you blow down his door,” I suggested, “by blowing down the door he will know that I’m here too, as that is what I always do when I visit his house, it’s kind of like a thing between him and I. I constantly tell him how easily a straw door could just blow down, and am trying to encourage him to rebuild it.”

While explaining this to Wally, I accidentally (wink wink) forgot that Patrick always stands right behind the door while talking to someone whose outside. Usually I just blow down the door without talking to him first. Also, Patrick is a very weak big, and would be seriously injured by such a force falling on him.
As I had hoped, Wally decided to take my advice and blow down the door. So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the door down.
“Aaaaaahhhh!” screamed Patrick. The door fell right on top of him and killed him in an instant. As Wally and I walked into the house, we gently pulled up the door and found a dead pig lying on the floor.
“Oh no, I killed him!” Wally gasped, “I never meant to kill your brother, I am so sorry.”
“Don’t worry Wally, it wasn’t your fault, and it’ll be all right,” I replied
As we were both very hungry, and didn’t want to leave a rotten pig lying on the floor, leaving an odor throughout the neighborhood, we ate Patrick. Finally, half of my mission was complete, and I was one-step closer to acquiring the family fortune.
Next, it was time to go to my other brother’s house, Peter’s. Wally, who still thought that we were still going to have a wonderful picnic, now with just one of my brothers, joyfully skipped down the road to Peter’s house made out of sticks.
“Now just go up to Peter’s door and ask him if he wants to have a picnic,” I commanded Wally. So, Wally walked up to Peter’s door, brought his hand back to knock quickly, and soon tried to talk to my brother.
“Little pig, little pig, do you want to come and have a nice picnic with your brothers and me?” Wally questioned.
“No way!” screamed Peter, “I would rather cut off the hairs from my chinny chin chin!”
“Peter says that he doesn’t want to come on our lovely picnic either,” stated Wally, “did you have some issues with your brothers while you were younger?”
“No no no, don’t be silly. Now just blow on Peter’s door just as you had done on Patrick’s,” I told Wally.
“Wouldn’t that be a bad idea, I mean last time I tried that I killed one of your brothers?” asked Wally.
“It’ll be fine, this pig is much stronger than the first,” I exclaimed. So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the door down. This time though, the door didn’t fall on top of a little pig. However, Wally did blow with such force that the air current blew all the way into the living room in which Peter was in, and caused him to fly right out of the window. Now usually, you would survive if you just flew out of a window, but Peter’s case wasn’t a typical circumstance. Once he flew out the window, Peter landed on a patch of roses. The thorns all went into Peter’s skin, and he shortly lost all of his blood. That is exactly how Peter died his horrible death. We decided to eat Peter too, as we were both still hungry after our last meal, and where both concerned with the environment as we didn’t want a horrible smell to be in our neighborhood air. Now my plan was finally complete. Both the pigs died, and I was obviously the next heir to the fortune. They didn’t have kids or wives, so that would leave no one else to have the money except for me.
I had expected my plan to just run smoothly from here, but that wasn’t the case at all. First of all, the neighbors were very suspicious that two billionaire pig brothers had died on the exact same day. After viewing the houses, and seeing that each of the doors were blown down, they assumed that they only one that could blow down a door would be Wally. Wally was arrested, and then was sentenced to jail for life, and I never saw my dear old friend again. It was kind of horrible that it was my plan, and I tricked Wally into blowing down the doors. I should really take a moment to feel sorry for him, no forget that I’m done feeling sorry for people and I just want to get my money. Wally going to jail would’ve been just fine, since my plan wasn’t ruined yet, but something went very wrong. In the paper the next day, it was said that the money that my billionaire brothers had all went to their other brother. Well that made me think, I’m their other brother, but I don’t have the money. As I read on, I realized that the money went to the fourth little pig, Pedro. A FOURTH LITTLE PIG! Who ever heard of this pig, certainly not me, and wouldn’t I be the first to know my own family. Well, it turned out that Pedro was adopted at his birth because my parents didn’t want to deal with four little pigs in the family. Nobody ever told me about this though. So, my plan didn’t work, I had no money, no family, and no friends either. This is exactly why I am writing this story right now. Maybe somebody will feel sorry for me and decide to be my friend. I am actually a very kind and caring person. Please, read this and come to 123 Pig Lane Mudville, AZ 50921.





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