Still Yet A Tyro

October 3, 2007
I feel it within me, the hatred and pain rising up and spilling out my eyes like a running faucet. I can sense the anger rolling inside my gut, making me sick to my stomach. Within the depths of my brain I can feel tension as I constantly turn the idea of the hated one around in my thoughts. I want so much to be rid of all this agony welling inside me, but no such comfort touches my spirit. Each day I live my life thinking about what could happen. I constantly day dream of a better way to live, only with the realization that it is all fiction. My eyes burn when I get so flaming hot inside. No tear can soothe the sensation. I often grit my teeth to where they hurt, just in attempt to rid myself of the demon of hate inside. Looking around I see no one understanding what I feel, all of the people near by just living wearing their own fake smiles. They seem so happy that I wish to spit upon their cheerful face. I want to scream at them, but I hold myself back.

Its amazing how the coming of new people can turn your life into a spiraling madness. It seems that only weeks ago I was somewhat happy. I had friends that truly belonged to me, ones I never thought would go astray. It crushed me inside to see them walk away with their backs turned, simply not caring about the times we've spent together. They shrug me off as just something former, carrying no meaning whatsoever. I brew with sadness, not wanting to cry but feeling the tears coming to my eyes. I just wish that I could make them see, have them understand what they mean to me. Those people that they left me for, however, get no such emotion out of me. Every time I look into their eyes I feel absolute detest. When those individuals speak my name in a friendly manner, I try hard to keep conflicts low. Those people took the rug right out from underneath my feet, leaving me standing alone and confused. They appeared suddenly without any warning, quickly snatching every happiness I had away in a flash. I tried not to let it bother me, but Every time I see them standing together at the corner of the street, I feel the horse of hatred rear up inside. I can't look away from the sight of their joy, but inside I just want to run from the problem. I can't seem to come to conclusion that things have changed, and that soon enough I will once again smile without this burden.

I constantly look at old photographs of happier times and weep myself to a puddle of tears on the grass in front of me. I watch every sunset thinking about those people that meant so much to me before. Every time the lyrics of a sad song fill my ears, my eyes swell with tears of mourning. It is exactly that, I am of mourning for the loss of my friends. It is as though they had left forever, but the harder part is that they are still right in my eye's sight. I can still see their smiles and hear their laughter. Being able to see them in joy's presence caused a more painful process of letting go. I swallow the lump down in my throat, becoming angry as the sentiment lodge there goes away. Anger fills the place of sadness, making me tough and bitter. The anger in me only lasts a small while before the melancholy returns to haunt me. Every beautiful thing I fall gaze upon reminds me only of the way I felt when looking into my special friend's eyes. Every moment I remind myself of what had been and what is now no longer in action.

The emotions I have spun around are opposing each other with full fury. Love, hate, sadness and anger all swirl about causing great confusion and despair on my part. I sit in the middle of a empty parking lot thinking only of what my next move will be. Giving up would end all hope that used to spark and light my soul. Moving on would put to rest all the memories I wish to feel again. Risking everything to get them back would more than likely leave me alone once again, crying my tears into my hands. I see nothing left to continue on for, nothing around to keep my smile shining. The only thing I seem able to do anymore is hope and dream. My dreams carry me to distant places and times, soothing me from the pain I feel when I'm tuned into the world. I get carried off back to a time when I thought nothing would change. Every time I snap out of my thick, oozy dream state, I realize that life will continue on, throwing me through its roller coaster spins and twirls. Love and life is just that, a spiral that swoops low as well as towers high. It is only wise to say that I am merely a tyro in this long journey set before me. Love is only something I have yet to experience. I wipe the tear from my eye as I dust myself off. Just as the sun goes down on the horizon, I walk home with my hands in my pockets, content with my surroundings for the first time in quite some while.

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