Revealing a buried hope

October 3, 2007
By Elisa McGinley, N. Richland Hills, TX

It was love in itself that had killed me. I was at one point full of a rich spunk that trailed me from behind like a stream of silver following a shooting star in the midnight sky. My personality was bouncy and full of glee before that wretched spell over casted my sunny days. My innocent state of mind didn't yet know the danger put before me when I had met that one male, the one who did me in. I didn't see anything coming; the flashing warning lights weren't bright enough to reach my eyes. If only I sometimes wonder, things could have been different. But in my heart I knew that everything that had happened was outlined and supposed to happen. It was all just a series of events that led me to the place I am at now; a place where there is no pain or tearing emotions, no anxiousness or unease; instead there is only a quiet and calm stillness that spreads peace.

My heart had been too big as a young girl. I felt everything particularly harder than my peers, who simply spent their days acting like girls should, dressing up fancy and dreaming of a future with money and love. I instead, was sitting and thinking, a thick coating of syrupy sadness covering over everyone of my thoughts. I felt deeper and to a greater extent; each raindrop feeling more to me than other people around. I seen the world differently, and I knew it. My teachers and adult figures thought of myself as a uncontrollable and easing distracted teenager, but in truths my mind was floating so high it was impossible to capture, and too liberated to concentrate on only one beautiful thing in life at a time. It saddened me to think I was causing the family stress, but it was all subconscious. I couldn't control myself, I knew, so I decided I wasn't going to try if it was only to be punching thin air.

When I had met him, I knew I knew somewhere deep inside me that something wasn't right, or maybe too right. Something clicked inside, like the perfect puzzle piece in the right spot. Time quite ticking as annoyingly fast the moments I was around him; the world seeming to slow pace to meet how him and I were feeling. We were close instantly, the connecting between us being stronger than any two magnets to any sheet of metal. Friendship blossomed like marigolds in the early morning, the tendency to get much greater being there and strong.

As time grew up on itself the greatness of our friendship expanded to overwhelming heights, eventually forming a powerful connection of first love between us. Neither of us knew what we were in for, nor did we really care. We were too hypnotized by the drug-like effects of the euphoric feeling of love that had so strongly hit us for the first time. Our eyes always seemed clouded when we were around each other, but they were filled with the thoughts of the other person. It was perfection presented directly in front of me. I was finally happy and content with everything, only because of the one addition to my life that he, in himself, was. I never wanted it to end, but instead to stay with me forever so I could bask in its rays of comfort and completeness. I tried not to think about the end, but the thoughts still poured in from the world around. The worries blurred with the great times, giving a bittersweet covering. I loved, I hated, I felt every emotion within the time period. I was ripping inside, partially from an ignorant happiness, the other from a dreading worry of losing the love I had.

Over time things changed, as they always do, but this time for the worst. Him and I grew more distant, and in my desperate attempt to repair things I humiliated myself wholeheartedly. I was in a state of absolute panic; the worrying finally adding upon each other to form an animal-like craze. I did everything I could, but still the water that was his love fell between my fingers, leaving me only to sit in the puddle wet and cold. I was heartbroken to the worst extent I had ever been before, and hoped to forever be. I burned inside my chest, I was cold to the touch, I was everything but happy. I walked dazed and disoriented, wanting only numbness to come over me like Novocaine before a dentist visit. I wanted to feel nothing at all.

After awhile the crying and weakness slowed to where my daily life could be lived. I was able to breath deeply without shedding tears for the first time in a month. I was in deep mourning for the part of my life that I had lost; the part that was him. I was trying to heal, but found the process a challenge if possibly at all. I was content and finally able to live with that constant pain in my heart and lump in my throat. I was used to the agony now. Inside me I still wanted a connection to him at some level though. I loved him, it was a true and obvious fact. I cared for him more than I did my own family, showing only my intense feelings. If friendship was the way it all had to work, than I wanted that. I almost drove myself crazy trying to get it. He was stubborn and close-minded, making the crowbarring of my attempts at peace a challenge. I finally succeeded and was at some level content with myself. But after awhile of having the first level of communication down, I felt that I needed more. I got it, only to slightly loose the self respect I had had before. I was happy with the knowledge that I had a connection to him, whether it be fake or real. I was euphoric to simply have anything, because a mere little thing was better than nothing at all. So, I lived that way until my mind and heart couldn't stand being numb, and had to start feeling again.

I became protective and jealous, two characteristics that were never mine before I lost my mind to love. I started feeling that I couldn't trust anyone; they were all out to take from me the only happiness I seemed to have at that point. My best friends and I separated because of my own foolish actions and strong case of paranoia, leaving me alone to wonder about what I was going to do. I still felt in my heart the hope for a small slice of future with him; the only hand grip I had now at all. I could also feel that crumbling, and the fact of knowing I was going to fall being a heavy burden to carry.

My life was being to nosedive. I knew it, I accepted it. I didn't want myself to loose all hope for a future, but it was something I was going to have to undergo. I feared so greatly to loose him, that I wanted to always remember the times when I knew he was mine. I couldn't bare to see him go again, to feel that heartache all but a second time. When I seen the final day of our closeness closing in on me, I decided that I could not live with the fact of knowing I was again crushed for months at a time. I took the pill bottle in my hand and chugged, crunching the powdery tablets between my teeth. I swallowed with a gulp of water, the final sip in which I was to take as a living creature. I fell in a ball, crying and sad as I realized there was no going back. I had loved him too much; to the point in which I would rather be dead then see him go from me. I wished only to die knowing that it wasn't the end quite yet, that I had hope in my heart before it stopped beating. As I closed my eyes I pictured his face, I heard his voice, I felt his touch. I died there, mentally in his arms but alone in physicality.

I look down here now, alone and in solitude in the place where my soul found its spot. I watched with tears in my eyes as my loving family and friends suddenly all came back together at the sight of my dead body. I got to witness the true feelings he had for me when he realized I was forever gone and dead. He cried, his whole body shook as he regretting every pain he put on me and began missing the times we spent so happily. I knew then that he cared, that he loved even though his hard shell made it appear he didn't. That is when, after all the mental pondering in my solitude, that I realized I had made a mistake. I suddenly didn't wish to be apart from him, but now there was no way of going back. I was forever left only to stand by and watch, never again being able to feel or be touched by his fingertips. I was no longer there; the portal now permanently closed. I regretted. I wish I hadn't. There was always hope, it was always there, just sometimes it was buried deeper than I wanted it to be. That whole time I had thought there was nothing to look forward to, only to realize after the end that I was fine, that there would have been a second chance, that he cared. The worst thing was, but at the same time still, was that he cared. He really did, with a love that now I cannot enjoy. I inhaled deep the clean air that surrounded me and blew the soft cotton of the cloud away from me, taking also away with it the view of him and his tears. I looked up, pondering in solitude for the first time for forever.

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