Till Love Do Me Part

July 22, 2011
I let love take over me. Let is control my every thoughts, moves, and actions. I couldn't do any thing that involved love bringing me down. I was a slave to love and I had to obey or else.

It was about two years ago. That when I first was in love with him. I was lovesick. I couldn't help the feeling I was feeling, the way love ran through my body. Love was like a drug I got addicted to.

His name was Julien. Julien Reeves. He's two years older than me and a grade higher, but I still loved him. He rode my bus for about two years. I only knew him for one year.

At first, I thought he was kind of funny. You know, strange. But then, I changed my attitude about him. I started to realize I was falling for him. I was rising up to heaven because of his love. I was crazy in love.

Julien didn't know me until the end of my eighth grade year when we first talked together. It wasn't the most comfortable conversations, but I was happy that I was talking to him. But then, I found out he was leaving weeks later.

What could I do? I wanted him more than anything. I wanted him to stay, but how. So, I went through a phrase of depression. Serious depression. The only thing I thought of was him. That's it. I lost intersects in a few things, especially with my friends. I went through a month of depression.

Then, he came back. Turns out, he was going to be staying for awhile which made me happy. But while he was gone, I started to forget him. As I was thinking of him, I stopped. Julien coming back made me realized something.

I don't really love him.

It hurt to say it, but it was true. I was all lovesick for no reason. So, I denied talking to him, doing things I usually don't do anymore again. I was beginning to be happy again for once in my life. But when my summer's break was over, that all changed.

Coming to high school as a freshman was hard for me. All of the older kids looking at you and knowing who you were. It was horrible, especially the first two weeks. But soon, it got better.

I was in classes with my best friends and life was getting for me. Except for Julien. Seeing him in high school killed me. I wanted to bury myself under dirt, closing my door from the world.

I was finding myself in love again.

How could I? Why did my heart have to burst and be in love again? But the different thing about my heart that time was it wasn't all lively and joyful, it was dark like a snow on a winter day. Completely dark. Nothing inside.

There's was nothing I found good to me, but Julien. I wrote on my notebooks, binder, web pages, everything about Julien. He became my life.

Even my friends knew about it. They knew how much I was in love with Julien. They knew the way I felt about him. But they didn't know how obsessed I became.

What was worst was he became an assistant for my Spanish teacher. So, I saw him every two-three days a week. I loved seeing his face in front of me, but then again, it hurt me. How could I stand there watching him when he didn't even watch me?

It became horrible when I took manner's in my own hands. It talked to him again. I actually spoke to him again. This time, though, I was nervous. I felt okay doing it. But that wasn't what made it horrible.

Seeing his face did.

His brown hair looked like a flow of sweet chocolate. His eyes reminded me of a sparkling blue sea and his lips made mines watered. He was gorgeous and that was why talking was heard for me.

I kind of enjoyed chatting, though. No kidding. Although our conversations weren't good, we still talked. Sometimes I was ask questions and sometimes he will. We didn't talk everyday, but close enough.

But that all change when she came along.

Taylor Giselle. She rode both Julien's and mine's bus and she began to talk to him. I could tell he loved talking to her. Enjoy her company. When he wasn't chatting with me, he was chatting with her. With her.

I began to hate her. Hate her coldly. What was worst was she was in most of my classes. I hated seeing her face. Seeing her made me loathe her more.

Also, she was more prettier than me. Beautiful with her blond hair and pale skin and skinny body. When it came to me, I was just a flop of fish. Useless. Unpretty. I hated it.

I tried to hid my anger, but anger took control of me. Sometimes, I will figure away how to bring myself pain. Either cut myself and hit my bracelets against my wrists. That was the one way I control myself. And it worked. Sort of.

Weeks gone by before we know that homecoming was coming soon. Everyone was waiting for homecoming dance, asking out people and buying their dresses and suits.

And here I was, depressed and lonely.

You don't know how had I wanted someone to ask me out. It was killing me seeing all these couples walking by me while I was still single. I wanted Julien to ask me out. The only person.

So, I took the chance.

I asked him out. Without any problem. Well, one problem actually. He already had a date.

I was heartbroken. I literally cried at home, holding myself together. I didn't feel like moving out of my bed. I didn't want to go back to school. I was sick of life. I hated it.

It took me a while to get back on my feet. My mother said she wanted me miserable and depressed all because of a guy. She said there were other guys and for a minute, I actually believe her. I didn't want to believe her, though, at the same time. I did managed to get out of bed later, though, because I had a idea.

I got a dress for homecoming. A red and silver dress and some silver open-toed shoes. My mom curled my brown hair and I was picked up by my friends. I wanted to enjoy the night so much. This would be the night everyone would remember, I thought.

When I was inside the building, I saw Julien immediately. What got me outraged was seeing how was his date. Taylor, herself. My heart crashed to the ground, my face changing. My friends tried to take me away from Julien, calming me down.

But I knew what I was here for anyway.

I danced for a while, trying to get the best of my night. I goofed around with friends and got a couple laughs. I was enjoying homecoming alright. I didn't even think of Julien for a moment. But when the slow dance came, I knew what to do.

I walked over to Julien's side and asked if I could dance with him. Although, he had a date with Taylor, he agreed and we both went to the dance floor. My heart was racing like a horse in a race. My hands were getting sweaty, but I continued to dance with Julien, enjoying the moment. And the best part was Julien smiled at me during the time of the dance.

When the dance was over, Julien was about to run off back to Taylor, but I held his hand for a while and then, reached up to kiss him. I felt him confused for a moment, but then, he kissed back. I held onto his neck and pulled in closer. His lips were so soft on mine's, being careful, but going all out.

We kept kissing until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I let go off Julien's neck and turned around. The minute I turned my head, Taylor slapped me straight on the cheek. I rubbed my cheek and stared into Taylor's eyes. I felt fire and rage rolled up my throat and knew it showed in my eyes, but instead of hitting her back, I ran off.

I heard Julien yelled back at me, but I continued out of the door, not looking back. I stopped outside the door and took a breath. I stared around, seeing if anyone was around. A few couples were, but I didn't see it as a huge deal. Sneakily, I walked off into the woods next to the gym.

I walked farther out in the woods until I knew I was far away. I stopped and closed my eyes. I opened my purse and grabbed on my father's pistol. I continued to close my eyes and dropped the purse on the ground. The pistol was still on hand, held on tight. I got the pistol ready and held it to my temple. My fingers were close on the trigger, waiting for me to go. I close my eyes tight and was close to pulling the trigger when I heard a yell.

Someone was yelling my name. A guy. I turned around and opened my eyes. Julien was staying right there, looking at me. I was so shocked that I couldn't even let go of the pistol. Before I could even let go, I felt my fingers pushed the trigger. And then . . . .

Everything was black. I couldn't feel nothing, no sense at all. I couldn't opened my eyes or smelled. I felt empty, paralyzed. While I let love take over me, I let it killed me. It was stupid of me to just let love control me and damaged me like this. I was stupid and just lovesick.

And the worst part was . . . I died in front of Julien's eyes. The only memory and last memory I had of him was seeing his face in the woods. The look would never leave my mind ever again. I lived until love did me apart. Until it did both of us apart. And now, I can never love again because what love did to me.

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