Little Alex Westbrook studied her big sister for one week. She then proceeded to write a report about the thoughts that seemed to go through her sister’s head. Once published, psychiatrists were impressed by the accuracy of Alex’s speculations. OMG. It is, like, morning. Okay, hair time. If my hair is not straighter than it is naturally, I will most definitely be a social outcast. Now I must draw thick lines around my eyes. Without thick lines, nobody would be able to locate my eyeballs, and my color would not pop. It would be awful if my color ceased to pop. I would faint. Now, since I spent the whole night texting, ILYSM, to my friends, I’m way tired. Starbucks to the rescue! I could never be my cute, peppy self without my daily ingestion of espresso. For breakfast, I will have nothing. Eating nothing makes me healthier. I can’t believe that Mom won’t let me wear my jeans. They are extra cool, since I bought them pre-ripped. I have no idea why she would object to such awesome jeans. My mother is stupid. I will tell my friends about her stupidity on MySpace tonight. My friends have no interesting things going on in their lives and I’m sure that they only care about my issues. OMG. Kelsey is so hilarious. I know what she means about Mrs. Crawford always saying, I think teen girls are, like, stupid. Time to, like, punish you for no reason at all. There is a hot guy. I’ll act like I’m stupider than usual and talk about popular music around him. He will definitely take me to the dance, because I am so great. For dinner I will have a piece of celery. I will not run in gym class when I am supposed to, but I can’t risk getting fat either. Good old celery will keep me healthy. Wow, this new soap opera easily relates to my life. My friends and I always fight like these girls. I love my friends so much. Hmm, it seems to be 12:00 A.M. Time to text my boyfriend, even though he constantly begs me to stop. We have been together for two whole weeks, so I am positive that we will get married someday. Tomorrow, after school, Kelsey and I should go to the mall. We can terrorize bored cashiers and flirt with guys that we will never see again. Tomorrow will be the best day of my entire life. Oops, it’s already time for school, and I never slept. I guess I’ll just have to down enough energy drinks to kill me. Thank goodness for energy drinks. It’s amazing how far modern science has taken us. We can go the rest of our lives without sleep and it won’t be a problem. Wow, I feel lightheaded. Wait, am I blacking out? Oh my god, I think I’m about to pass out. Must-find-energy-drinks-now! NOTE: my sister then had to be escorted to the hospital. To the surprise of her concerned family, she was angry. From what I could tell, she was fuming about the doctor’s lack of hotness.
Inside the Mind of a Teenage Girl
September 1, 2007