One glance. That was all it took for my heart to melt into my shoes, and feel like it was being stabbed at the same time. He doesn’t care about me. I’m nothing to him, I haven’t been in months. I’m scum on earth where he’s concerned. Why is it we love the things we can’t have? Not shouldn’t no, if only it was that easy. I can’t have him. Is that the appeal? Of all the guys I have dated in the past, why is he so special. Is it truly because he refuses to notice me. Goes out of his way to avoid me. Acts as if I don’t exist. Did he even love me? Why does a simple glance at him make my heart feel like mush? I repeat, I’m nothing to him. Not in the sense that he will look over at me and not feel attraction, but that when he looks at me he sneers. Does he feel the way I do? Did he ever? When he said he loved me was it the truth. I didn’t ask him if he did, but he told me anyway that he loved me. Well if you love somebody how can it just go away like that. Was my action so horrendous that he refuses to acknowledge my existence because he can’t believe he ever loved filth like me? I pray one day he’ll be waiting outside of my classroom swoop me up in his arms and cradle me close as if nothing ever happened. He never did that while he claimed to love me, but my imagination craved for it. I could never approach him, no. not until I’m certain he feels the same as I do. I doubt it will ever happen, he deserves better than me if all I am is a cheater. He will always deserve better. Because now I realize I am truly nothing. He has goals. I have scenarios. He has dreams. I dream in class. He has friends. I have a way with the written word. Even if I did ask people who claim to be my friend for advice, they laugh at the situation and say I need to get over him. I can’t, the mere thought of him with anyone else makes me cringe. I suffer in silence when I see him in the hallway, and if he comes within a few feet of me I practically have a panic attack. I can’t move on. Or maybe I choose not to. I guess I really never tried. But I have a feeling trying to get over something you love is no small task. I don’t think it even matters anymore if I do or do not love him, he will never change his mind. And nor will I. The pain seems to become a part of me every passing day. And I realize that sometimes when I look at him he looks back. The thing that worries me most is if I’m misinterpreting it. Should I attempt to get him to talk to me? How can I base a conversation on a simple situation such as eyes just so happening to cross, I have to make myself believe he doesn’t care, and leave it at that. One glance.
July 6, 2011