A Modest Proposal, Written Out for the Hard of Hearing

July 16, 2011
TO ALL THOSE 65 AND OLDER: PLEASE DISCONTINUE YOUR READING OF THIS DOCUMENT. TONIGHT IS BINGO NIGHT AND YOU KNOW IT IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING SITTING AROUND HERE?

TO ALL THOSE UNDER 65: Enough of these capitals, you can read this, can’t you? Continue reading and enjoy your enlightening experience without the distraction of constant flashbacks to how papers were written in the old day.


As one looks around the world before them it is hard to imagine how we’ve managed to amass such a vast collection of controversies. In the same manner that more questions arise when a single one is answered, more problems tend to appear when one is fixed. We have issues fixing our crumbled economy which has resulted in massive unemployment, arguments over illegal immigration that are getting worse by the day, and the question of what will happen when we run out of non-renewable resources; but these only scratch the surface. We are the plumber to our system’s over-pressurized pipe: when one leak is patched two more water spouts burst out in an endless loop that seems to create more problems than the fixes are worth. Now is the time to depressurize that pipe, Pascal by Pascal, and mend the source instead of attempting to simply cover it up.

Being the profound politician that I am, it is difficult to leave out a topic of concern that stands tall, if not taller, in comparison to the aforementioned dilemmas; the ever growing elderly population. Simply put, what do we do with all of them? There are 40 million people over the age of 65 in the United States alone, and most, if not all, have retired. The unfortunate fact about their unemployment is that they have hidden, under-developed skills that could be of great help to society as a larger whole. But they would rather stay at home and keep their noses out of peoples’ business now that they have the ability. Yes, while I am sure we would all love to be lounging around on a daily basis without a care in the world we realize we must work to allow for the survival of our economy and our country, and I cannot sit idly by while they do.

Under the current circumstances of our economy we simply cannot afford to continue to support our seniors in any way, shape, or form. By age 65 people tend to have lost most merit they once contributed to civilization, and that is why we need to remove their dead weight from our society. By ridding our country of them a number of different areas of our entire society will flourish. For example, for quite a few years now we have rewarded every one of their unemployments and lethargies with a monthly check; something my friends in Congress tell me is called Social Security. I cannot comprehend how any group of people could support such an asinine concept. And with this money they continue to exploit resources that could be used by true, hard-working people who deserve such commodities. Gas, for instance, is a non-renewable resource that is being eaten up by our older population in order to put, in their own words, “screaming metal death traps” on the street. And at the wheel of these death traps are barely responsive seniors, who only add to the “screaming”. Another inimical example involves our nation’s health care. Let me ask you a question: what group of people see doctors or are in hospitals more often than any other combined? No, not clumsy people; old people (who can actually be quite clumsy, so you were half right).

What I propose is that once seniors reach age 65 they take a special personality test, to which they each answer carefully and in complete honesty for it will decide their future. Most of them would be put to death, which would generate jobs for those without, immediately stimulating our economy. It is my estimation that exactly of 954,673 people would be able to become employed once again, helping our country advance itself by removing our parasitic elders. But this would not be the only positive effect; in fact, a great deal of aspects within our American system would improve. Once the older population begins to die down we will have to pay less and less money to them (which, as of right now, we are doing for no reason whatsoever). This money could be put to better means, such as towards my pay—err… to tax cuts for the wealthy business owners so as to create jobs. (Yeah, let’s go with that.) Without the elderly, prices will gradually decline, as companies will not be making as much money and they will believe it is simply because consumers think prices are too high. This, in turn, would create a greater surplus of goods and services at a substantial value lesser. Quantity and frugality over quality and costliness, am I right? Yet another benefit from this proposition includes a great increase in the well-being of the rest of our country. We would be keeping our bad drivers off the road and out of hospitals, so more people can get to where they need to be and receive the treatment they so rightly deserve. This decrease in our population would put the United States on a pedestal of a once-thought-improbable height.

But not all of our older companions would be disposed of; some would be put into two prestigious programs that would allow them to be themselves while benefiting the rest of our countries’ citizens. That is, if their information on their personality tests coincide with what these programs require. The test would be a game of BINGO with the prize being a new riding-mower (a drivable lawnmower). By offering such a possibly enticing prize the high scorers would easily be weeded out from the low scorers on behalf of their interest in it. But only half of the seniors at a time would know of the prize; the others who are playing for an unknown cause have another way to score points of their own. Their method of scoring high is to pick fights and/or argue after they’ve lost. The extent to which they fight for their unknown cause is directly related to the score they receive. Only the highest of scorers would go on to live and support our great nation in one of these two ways.

After speaking with my personal friend and economist, Stephen Colbert, he has informed me that the elderly of our great country have an incredible talent that has yet to be put to productive means. It is common knowledge that an elderly person’s greatest possession is the green carpet to his/her dwelling (which is more often than not their porch, rather than their home), to which that would go great lengths to protect. So why not make the best of such an impressive endowment? Instead of being put to death, a few thousand of our seniors would be placed on a 2,000 mile-long porch, from sea to shining sea, along the Mexican border. This porch would be paid by the government with the money that they are saving without having to be giving out social security. When the sole of an illegal immigrant steps upon the soil before this magnificent porch, a backlash of unimaginative proportions would break loose. Canes would fly free through the air, along with a multitude of cusses, as thousands of senior citizens prepare to defend their porch (and unknowingly their country) with their very lives. Both Colbert and I find it hard to believe such a simple solution to illegal immigration was never found, yet are proud to be the one’s to put forth such an effective resolution.

Another possibility for a portion of their population that I’ve found was brought up after attending an important congressional meeting. Our modern day political system has, in the past few decades, had some major cutbacks in finding congressmen and women. And let’s face it, even though they’d like to be recognized as adults, they are not yet at that age. They aren’t even teenagers, they are toddlers; whiny, immature, stubborn toddlers. As the offspring of our economy, they know nothing else than to fight and fight until they get what they want; a skill obtained from their entrepreneurial parents. And while this natural competition seems an honorable trait, the problem that arises is when one gains true knowledge of what they’re fighting for; they’re bird-brained infants, and to them “baby gets what baby wants”, with or without beneficial over-arching motive. So I propose to replace these arguing babies with arguing seniors. You may ask, “But Chris, what advantage would that have?” and my answer is one of maturity. While both groups would do nothing but argue in congress, our senior citizens are far more mature, and would put on a far greater show for the rest of us. Who knows what, if anything, they will get accomplished, but it will be more entertaining for the rest of the world in the process.

This solution is the only one that will work; believe me, I know. It’s what the American people have been asking and waiting for, and I am here for them; no underlying motives here. It’s time to help pull our country out of the gutter we’ve driven it into. And if we have to crack a couple eggs to make an omlette, so be it. Soon enough we will be able to have our omlette and eat it too.





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