Someday I will

June 29, 2011
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It’s been almost five years now. Forgiveness is the last thing I intend to offer you, even as yet. As you stare at me, I refuse to see you. I refuse to talk to you. Strange as it may seem, not a single day fails to take me down memory lane reminding how it all came to be.

I was very young when my parents left me. On from that day, I believed there was no God; all worshippers were only fools, desperate fools. There was no God. Even if there was one, God was evil, which is why a terrible dark fog was allowed to cloak two beautiful people. We were lonely, me and you. We didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to survive. Mere breathing in and out seemed to suck the life force out of my being; our being. The sight of random ladies carrying their children made me weep. The echo of the laughter of kids as their fathers threw them high up into the air, made me weep. The sweet scent of flowers in the garden, as they bloomed happily, blameless, naïve, unknowing, made me weep.

My world was shattered into bits. Re-building was worse than a grave hope.
But back then, when I was certain more than ever I would forever be drowned in this sea of anguish, I had not known you’ve pledged yourself to me. I had not known.

Whenever an opportunity arose, I drifted towards my favorite spot; my swing. It stood right there just like me. Lonely, detached from the rest of its play mates, facing the vastness of a gentle river. I had memories there. Invaluable ones. It is by this swing did I realize for the first time how much my mother cared for me. When I stubbornly stood on the wooden seat attached to a giant tree by two mighty ropes, and landed flat on my nose, I saw, sensed and felt her tears streaming out. I knew she cared, I knew she loved me.

For the first time in a long time, I was all by myself on the same swing none to shield me from danger. As I sat on it trying desperately to haul myself forward I felt tight, like a giant hand of memories lingering onto the rope anchoring its movement, but as I took a few turns, slowly, gently, I felt at ease. As my feet lifted off, as the wind touched my face and brushed the hair behind, I felt important. Nature was mean once more. Huge raindrops came crashing down rapidly like bullets. I hated the rain then. It took away my solace. But I realized something. Though it was pouring heavily, not a single water drop touched me. For a moment I thought God answered my prayer and my mother was shielding me. When I turned back I saw you. I wasn’t prepared to see you, but I somehow was glad you were there. Your umbrella protected me. There was a slight crack in my heart’s wall.

“Hey you all soaked up”, I shouted.
“But you are safe”, you replied.

You made a choice then to protect me. I knew but little that you will choose me at all cost, all the time. It was just the start.

I couldn’t read your mind looking into your deep amorous eyes. I wish I could have. But after the long wait I had to wait, I felt something I haven’t felt in a really long time. The beating of what seemed like an eternal cascade of water ceased gradually. As the dark clouds lifted, and the grim giant came to being once more, I saw your face clearly. You gifted me a beautiful smile. I couldn’t resist. I did the same. I knew we were sisters, but not till that moment did I ever feel it so strong.

I looked at the river and let thoughts tremble. I realized something then. This river knew me ever since I’ve released my first breath. To me, it was eternal. The flowing, soft, silent, was only soothing. Rocks, logs, barriers never stopped its flow. No dawn, no dusk affected it. It had great power hidden, only to let out in times of need. To me it was special; very special.
Your love became my river- flowing eternally, dependable at all times.

As you cast your glance upon me now, I cannot help but let my mind wander off to those days.

As days, months, years departed, we only grew fonder and fonder of one another. Though we traversed different paths most times, our hearts always lead back home, to each other. You selflessly, willingly, killed yourself at work to get me whatever I desired. To my life once again, returned God. There was a God. Somewhere. You were God’s angel for me.

I had promised myself to loathe all around me, who I believed somehow were connected to the man who took the lives of my parents. But, you changed me. You were my exception to everything, and you taught me exceptions are rare but within reach; within sight. You turned me into a woman, a woman of substance.

But there came a day when he was right there within my gaze’s reach. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t. There was a flashback of a nightmare of blood right before my very eyes. I sensed the aura of blood, blood of my parents floating from the direction he stood. One moment I’m standing few feet away from him and the next moment he lies on the ground with a sharp new knife bought that very day stuck somewhere close to the heart. He was soaked in blood. I remembered at once the way he left the both of us in that thick red river. I was relieved. I felt as if one of my life’s purposes were fulfilled. I might have been wrong. But emotions are colorblind.

It was tragic. I murdered the murderer who murdered our parents. It was unexpected.
When you saw the sight, you chased me away. Tears rolled down. You called me back and asked for a hug. It was our moment. You chased me again. I refused to go. I stayed. I insisted. I stayed. But you didn’t let the uniforms take me away. You forcefully went with them and they foolishly believed you.


Behind the bars you were when you replied.
“Because I love you”.

It was the perfect answer, but I didn’t want to lose you. You were my world.
“Don’t leave me”, I begged.
“I will never”, you uttered softly.
“Let’s tell them the truth. I want to come along with you. Nothing makes sense without you”, I wept. “Please allow me, don’t do this, please”.

You are my sister. Stubbornness was your friend too. They didn’t care what I said. They all believed you. You made them to.

“If you are gone, there is a one in a million dear young man whose spirit will die off with you”, she went on.

“If you are gone there is me who will die with you”, I said.
“He will help you through”, she insisted.
I didn’t understand. I cursed you. I hated you. I wanted you to stay. Stay with me like back then, or go along with you, together. I needed you.

You told me something before they took your breath away; “This is why none can define love. All I know of it is that, love is much more than the laughs, much more than the tears, much more than the drinks, much more than the fights, much more than the high fives-it is the reason that keeps people bound, it is the purpose that keeps people alive, it is the only cause that makes people gutty enough to die for. I love you, and I always will. You are my little sister. The one who gave me a purpose to live for. I will always love you. I will never leave you. I made a choice to protect you by that swing, by that river, and I will. Not a second did I regret my decision and if I had do it all over again, you my little one, will always be my choice over anything and everything. Just give your heart the eyes, the ears and feel. Trust me you will sense my being all over. Be well”

I could only say, “I love you too”. But you knew it said it all. I was angry. You saw that too. The tears that I forcefully stopped proved nothing. You knew it was incomparable to the overflowing affection that was building within me. You smiled and let go. I hated you. I loved you. Hated you for going, without me. Loved you for still staying.

The young man you always adored became an addition to my small world; not a replacement, an addition, mind you. You were wrong. Nothing replaces you. Nothing can. But the addition is beautiful too. He shines a fresh light. Sooner will enter to my world a miracle; a small, fragile, wondrous miracle. If it’s a boy, there are several names to pick from, but if a girl, I already know in mind what it should be.

I feel your presence in all I do. You are the angel that broke the wall around my heart and made me build a bridge instead. What can I say to you. I know you will wait for me on the other end together with mom and dad.

But, I still cannot gather it all up to forgive you. I love you too much to forgive you for what you did. Someday I will. But, today is not that someday.

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