As I was awoken form the rumbling of the clouds and the thrashing of lighting, it seemed to me that Mother Nature wanted me to sink lower into my depression. I forced my limp body to get out of bed and dragged myself to go to the bathroom. “Good morning sweetie,” my mom says but I only reply with “HI” just looking at her irritates me, and it makes me feel even more horrible because she’s my mother and I should love her but she just seems to aggravate me lately. Whatever. I go to the bathroom and then I flop right back into bed. The slight dip in the marshmallow like mattress from where I lay every day and the lavender blanket that surrounds and protects me, I’m safe from the world now. My bed is my safe haven; nothing can get me or bother me when I lay in it.
As sit slightly upward with my pillows behind my head I look out watching the rain bang against my window with such force and anger. It’s like they’re trying to tell me to get my own anger and frustrations out with a good cry, but I’ve cried too much lately, and I just can’t any more. The tears that used to pour out like a water fall only dribble down my cheeks. I can’t stand it, I don’t want to have this feeling anymore, but I just seems to suck me back in every time.
Knock, Knock. “Hey honey are you alright?” my mom asks in the most caring and loving tone that makes me want to throw up. “Yea mom I just don’t feel good. I think I just have a headache from the weather,” I reply with a monotone voice. “Oh, I know so do I, I’ll just let you rest then,” she says. Of course she always has to make it about herself; she can’t even tell when her own daughter is lying to her. Whatever.
I slide down into my bed, and a sigh of relief comes over me knowing I just got a little safer, but that feeling soon fades when the millions of thoughts going through my head come rushing back. So many things, questions, and thoughts…I can’t even focus on one thing before I get distracted by another. It’s a vicious cycle and I can’t seem to stop it, it’s like my brain doesn’t have an off button. All I want to do is sleep, but at night I turn into an owl and let the millions of thoughts I have run around until the morning comes, then I’m so mentally exhausted I crash during the day.
As I stare at the ceiling and think about if I can get out of this slump, a loud bang of thunder fills my body and gives me chills down my back. The hollowness inside me makes the thunder eco louder and louder, saying I just need to scream, to not hold everything in but to just let it out until I run out of air. There’s so much I would want to say and that I probably should say but I don’t know how or who to tell it to. I just need to clear my conscience, but I know I can’t do that without hurting someone and that’s the last thing I want to do. Just another thing to make me more upset.
“Hey can I borrow your mirror?” asks my brother, even though he’s already half way through my room taking it. I don’t even bother responding. It takes too much energy. I don’t understand, why can’t I be myself anymore? It takes energy just to talk? It’s like ever since things started falling apart I can’t seem to make them right again no matter how hard I try. I want things to be the way they used to when everyone was happy and didn’t fight. Now all they do is argue or don’t talk at all, and now I’m slowly losing my friends one by one as well. I want the same energy and outlook I used to have but I can’t seem to find it. I try as hard as I can but it’s never the same.
I sit my fatigued body back up to watch Mother Nature put on her flashy show of heartache and insecurity that’s made just for me, and of course I have a front row seat. I don’t know why she feeds my illness. It’s like she gets some sort of enjoyment out of it. Why can’t she make the sun come out to help brighten my day and get me out of this dump so I can be me again? I just feel so alone and that no one seems to understand how I feel. I don’t know how to change my life and make it something I want it to be, I know I’ve made stupid mistakes in the past but I’m still paying for them now, and I can’t figure out how to fix it. Whatever.
What a performance mother nature; I do believe it’s one of your best. You have officially brought me to my all time low and I’m afraid I can’t pick myself back up. Your smoky gray clouds for the ones in my heart, the crashing thunder for the headache of my running thoughts and the angry rain that cries for me when I’m too upset to be able to. I think you have me down to a “T” now.
“Sweetie are you sure you’re alright? You seem upset,” my mother asks as she comes into my room. “Yes mom I’m fine.” I can’t take it. I just want her to leave. I know she cares, but I can’t talk to her...I just can’t. “Alright I’ll check on you later then.” She says as she slowly shuts the door behind her. I feel bad that I’m such a b**** to her but I just can’t seem to even look at her without wanting to hit her. However, now that my door is shut, I feel snug and secure in my room with my bed and just myself, but the feeling of loneliness soon starts to kick in. Ughh, I don’t get this, I want to be alone but still be with someone. I want to be happy, but I’m always sad. I’m angry but I feel bad about it. What’s wrong with me?
Not only does home taunt me but so does everywhere else I go. I’m just a sleepwalker wandering around with no idea what to do. As I push myself everyday to seem fine, it only makes me weaker and weaker, and people are starting to notice, but I can’t let them see. If I let them know I’m hurting it’s like I’ve given up and I wouldn’t be able to fight for myself anymore. I would just check out in life and then there really would be nothing left. Whatever.
The day is still going on and I haven’t moved and inch, just laying there watching mother natures performance and thinking how I’m going to get myself up and out of this trap. I hear all the noise of my family, Dad watching TV, Mom talking in the phone and brother getting ready to go out again, nothing new, but it’s another thing to add onto my list of thoughts. I try to block them out and only listen to ‘her.’ Wow she sings so beautifully.
The day is almost over and still nothing is done. I should be going to sleep soon, but I know I won’t be able to. I still haven’t figured out all my thoughts…wait is that it? Maybe if I could figure everything out, I would be ok. I could be me again, and I would have all the answers. Oh but...there’s too many, too many things how could I possibly figure them all out? Whatever.
I can hear my mom coming down the hall. I know she’s coming in here to check on me, but I really don’t want her to. She knocks so softly on the half painted door and then slowly opens it and peaks in to see if I’m asleep. “Oh hi honey. I thought you’d be asleep by now.” “I’m just about to.” I answer. “Oh ok, then, well I’m going out. I’ll be home later. Love you,” she says with the biggest smile on her face. Of course she’s going out, and of course she doesn’t even ask to see if I’m feeling better.
I fall out of bed tripping over my long navy blue sweat pants that are too big for me. I turn off the light switch and my night light glistens all over my ceiling. It twinkles and sparkles giving me a warm feeling inside, the same feeling I had when I was little and nothing bad ever seemed to happen. Those days were nice. I crawl back into bed and lay down in the same spot have been in all day. I rest my head down on the pillows and let my blanket just fall on top of me. My hands lay on top of my stomach, and my legs are stretched out. I try to breathe and let all my feeling out but they don’t want to leave. The rain and thunder still haven’t stopped, and I can’t make ‘her’ stop it either. I decide to give in. I just lay there and listen to the pouring rain and the booming thunder over and over and over again, the same thing over and over and over again, it never seems to end. Another sleepless night due to my over-active thoughts and gratitude to Mother Nature for her beautiful music that only I can appreciate. Maybe Mother Nature you’ll lift me up tomorrow with a warm sky and chirping birds, but I know you won’t. It’ll just be another dark day.