You Found Me

June 9, 2011
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Despair and anger swirled around my head, like smoke it was choking me. My eyes darted around the room, searching for something, anything, to relieve me. I spotted a bottle of vodka on my kitchen counter, the clear liquid looked just like water. I picked it up and it sloshed around inside the bottle.
I could do it. I thought to myself. Chug it down, just like water. I need to quench my thirst.

My hand hovered above the cap, fingers twitching. Wanting to reach out, twist open the top and drown myself. I reluctantly placed the bottle back on the counter top and looked around for something else.
There, in the sink. A knife. I walked over and picked it up. Holding it in my hand I twisted it back and forth studying the curve of the blade, how it turned up in a smile. I ran a finger across it and watched with fascination as a drop of blood oozed out of my finger and onto the floor. A ray of sunlight peeked through the curtains in front of my window and fell on the knife, it reflected off the metal and I flinched as the bright light shone in my eyes. I dropped the knife back in the sink and turned my back on it.

This wasn't what I wanted, I wanted my life back, I wanted who I used to be.
I grabbed my sweater off the messy couch and left my apartment. Walking outside helped clear my head, I sucked in large amounts of the sweet, clear air and then let them out. Feeling all my frustration and pain come rushing out with it. I came up to the corner of 1st and Amistad and stopped suddenly in my tracks when I spotted Him.

He was nothing like I had imagined, His hair was light brown and cut just above the ears in a sophisticated manner, He was wearing black suit pants and a wrinkled dress shirt. Slouched against the wall He seemed to have not noticed me. The orange embers of His cigarette glowed brighter as He brought it up to his lips and took a long drag. When He exhaled, He turned His gaze to me and I saw that His eyes were a deep crystal blue. His face remained blank, He was waiting for me.

I couldn't rationalize this, I tried to speak, and choked on my words. I had begged and pleaded on my knees for Him to help me. He had not been around then, why was He here now?
A million questions swirled around in my head, each one begging to be answered. I had so many things to ask, so many angry things I wanted to scream at Him. My hands clenched into fists at my side and I shook with fury. I wanted to run at Him and pound him with my fists, make Him feel the pain I did. But none of these things happened, instead my eyes filled with hot tears and as one trailed down my face I whispered one question to Him.

"Where were you?"

In the blink of an eye, the cigarette in His hand had vanished and He took one step closer.

"Ask me anything" His voice held the power of a thousand men, yet was quieter than a butterflies flapping wings. "I have been here all along Isaac"

I couldn't believe Him, where had he been when everything was falling apart? All my days were spent on my knees praying, all I needed was a sign. Something to cling to in the black hole I was spiraling down. I had lost everything I had ever known. I lost everyone who ever knew who I'am, who I'm not, and who I want to be.

Now He found me, when I was lost and insecure, laying on the floor in a puddle of my own helplessness.

"Where were you?" I asked him again, this time louder. My throat ached as the words ripped through. But when I had said them I felt better. Again I asked him.

"Where were you?" I had kept it inside so long. All my passion came pouring out. I fell to my knees and as tears streamed down my face and into my open mouth I asked him.

"Why'd you have to wait?! Where were you? Where were you?"

The whole time He merely stood there and stared at me with eyes that held the whole world in them. Now He came toward me and placed a hand on my shoulder. I felt the coolness of His touch even through my sweater.
"I was always here Isaac, right beside you"
And I believed.

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